Inside The Mind Of A Mentally Constipated Blogger

Today and yesterday have been mental constipation days as far as blogging is concerned. Ever been inside the mind of a mentally constipated person? Probably so, if you’re a blogger. If not, it goes something like this…

Since good ideas aren’t plentiful again, I decide to go with the Daily Prompt for today, which is “Angry.” I open up a new post and write a few words, then realize that since I don’t feel like writing about my usually silent She-Hulk temper (wouldn’t that make for a sucky comic book character — mom who quickly and quietly fumes something serious in her head?) or offending anyone by writing about certain angry groups of people that have annoyed me, that maybe I’ll pass on this one.

Sigh. Move to Trash. I wonder what my ratio of published posts to drafts that never saw the light of day is?

Shrute-bucks

I go to Facebook. I save recipes for dishes that I’ll never eat, but that my family might like. Well, that Little Man and Sam might like, since Baby Girl is pickier than me. I roll my eyes at posts made by a few angry people and scroll on. Then I get an idea for a post — I’ll write about something sort of funny that happened in Charleston. But then I can’t get past the beginning paragraph and click Move to Trash once again.

Then I decide to wander around the house a bit. Time to set the washer back again since I left the clothes in too long. I fume over the hardening rigatoni remnants in a bowl in the sink not being rinsed out, despite asking certain individuals in my house to be sure to rinse their dishes at least 132 times over the past week. Or close to it, anyway.

I make my way back to my desk, where I see how far back I can lean in the chair without it tipping over. Not far. Then I wonder why the hell I’m still doing that at age 32 and hope that I won’t have a headstone that reads “Death by chair” before I’m 40. And then I open another draft, type a few words, delete those words, and try again. Nothing quite sounds right.

fall-from-chair-o

Back to Facebook. I see that a friend opened up her pool today and admire her deck, which she says they just stained, and realize that Sam still hasn’t stained or sealed the deck he built for our pool two years ago. I head over to the Lowe’s website and price some sealant and send an email reminding my husband to buy it this weekend. Emails are the best reminders, because I have proof when he claims I didn’t tell him.

See that email right there? That isn’t bolded because you opened it? That you responded to? Hell yes, I told you.

Jim-Halpert-Yes

Then I get a good idea — I’ll use one of the silly topics I joked around about in my Making This Blog Hot post. I decide to write a sarcastic post on how to be successful at the blogging like me. But even that fizzles out between a combination of the funny sarcasm not being strong with me tonight and knowing someone(s) will take shit seriously and get all up in my comments section. Maybe another day…

shaking_head_breaking_bad

Sam gets home from taking the kids out for a while and Baby Girl decides to give me a break by force feeding me her snack. I try to resist, but a combination of cuteness and salty goodness makes me cave. And then, just as I’m inserting gifs in the appropriate places, I have a decent idea for a post. But I’ll save it for tomorrow, and hopefully I won’t get stumped a couple paragraphs into it. If I do, to hell with it, and you’ll get a post that you might think BG hit the Publish button on while I was typing it delivered to your inbox (or reader).

What do you think your ratio of published posts to drafts that never saw the light of day is?

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Making This Blog Hot

You know you’re in dire straits when you have to google “blog post ideas.”

I’ve tried, tried, tried to come up with a post for today, but everything I’ve written has either been garbage or there wasn’t enough substance to make a full post. So to Google I went. As luck would have it, I came across a website with an article called 101 Blog Post Ideas That Will Make Your Blog “Hot.” 

Hell yes. Hotness is just what this blog has been lacking.

I scrolled through the list and came across some interesting things, like Host a giveaway. Interesting, but what the fuck would I give away? Lord of the Rings toys? Dirty diapers? The right to name my next child (even though a third child isn’t happening)?

On to another idea. Criticize a website/blog or a person. Oooh, yes, I could have my own Burn Book type post and talk shit about all of my fellow bloggers.

tumblr_mdwkwernis1rla5a5o2_500“Fuck John for not telling me more about his swagger.” Or “To hell with NotAPunkRocker for skipping Christmas cards.” Or maybe “Damn that NerdInTheBrain and her gratitude.”

Eh, maybe not. I’m not a fan of people hating me.

Number 9 is Tell a personal secret. Is there anything I haven’t overshared on already, though? Then there is Bust a myth. Is this kind of like Bust-A-Move? (Fun fact: my husband clued me in on the fact that one of my favorite arcade games shares the same name as a song.) Myth busting seems like it would take more effort than trying to come up with a legit blog post, though. And more than likely, Snopes has already got to it

Number 34 is Start a poll. I’ve never done a poll on this blog before, so there’s no time like the present, right?

That doesn’t really make for much of a post, though, does it? I suppose I could discuss my leg shaving habits in a post of its own and have the poll and all, but I kinda doubt anyone would want to read that.

Directly after that is #35 Write a post about things you regret doing/not doing. Um, no. I’m not trying to add to the depression. Maybe I’ll hit that up in January.

Halfway through the list is #51 Create a blog post about your bad habits – Smoking, alcohol, drugs. Tell them something shocking!

Dafuq? That’s just a little too much enthusiasm for someone else’s struggles, person who created that list! And I’m stopping at that one. I now have something resembling a blog post put together, plus I want to save the other half of this list for tomorrow or another day this month when I can’t come up with much of anything to write.

Looking at numbers 1 through 51 on that list only, which is your favorite? Anything you’re likely to use? Maybe the Publish your CV online suggestion?

Do You Want To Write A Story?

This title should be sang to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman,” because I’ve been watching certain videos on YouTube this morning against my will.

Have you ever done any freelance writing work? I have. A lot. While I get some work from word of mouth, most of the jobs I find are on Craigslist or other job boards. And if you’ve ever searched Craigslist for any freelance work, you probably know that you have to go through a bunch of shitty ads to find one decent one worth responding to.

I was browsing Craigslist last night, as I do most nights. I’m not really in a place to do much work right now, but I wanted to see if anyone had anything for a few hours per week. I didn’t find anything of course, but I did find one super shitty job listing. So shitty that it is worth sharing. (Click image to view larger size if you’re having trouble reading it.)

Screenshot 2015-08-06 at 11.55.56 PM

There are just no words for that story line, but I have my doubts about how legit that life story is.

And the compensation–a percentage. So you’re not going to get paid anything to write this unless it sells. It does have Lifetime potential, so it could be the tiniest cash cow ever.

Should I go for it? 😉

What’s the craziest or strangest job listing you’ve ever seen? 

The Theft Continues: 50 Things

If you’re struggling for a blog topic and either your kids aren’t fulfilling their purpose in life–providing you with blog topics–and everything else is too blah to write about, then the best way to proceed is to tell people a bunch of random shit they probably didn’t want to know about you.

I’m kidding–y’all will absolutely want to know this shit.

I’m stealing this “50 Things” thing from Tessa, who stole it from Kitt and Sass. There is probably some more lineage that I could go into, but I’ll stop there. (Does this make Kitt and Sass sorta my blog post grandmothers?)

Without further ado, 50 things about me:

1. My hair is the color of the poo someone with a fiber-rich diet would make.

2. A Perfect Day for Bananafish is my favorite short story.

3. I am married to a man who downloaded 50 Shades of Grey on Amazon (okay, this one was more about outing him and less about me).

4. I tried to get detention when I was a senior in high school, so I wouldn’t graduate with a clean record, and failed.

5. My favorite book and movie changes weekly.

6. Speaking of books, I’m currently reading Little Bee. Liking it a lot so far.

7. I planned to have Little Man naturally. I changed my mind within 30 minutes of contractions starting.

8. I got a paddling in 4th grade for something I didn’t do.

9. The first article I ever got paid to write was about baby bowel movements.

10. The first time I got drunk was when I was 20. I was on a different continent and drunk-dialed my grandma.

11. Sam and I love playing pranks on people. We once convinced his mom that he fell off a “little mountain.”

12. I quote The Office at random.

13. I’m competitive as hell and take certain things, like trivia and video games, very seriously. 

14. I beat my husband by more than 50 points in an NCAA football video game once. He was very upset because I didn’t let up.

15. I will destroy you at fooseball.

16. And then I will dance around the table.

17. I make a hella good NY style cheesecake. Unfortunately for me, I hate cream cheese, so more for everyone else.

18. I have an autographed picture of the cast from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

19. Speaking of which, I believe my hubby and I have watched all seasons of Buffy and Angel at least four times since we’ve been together.

20. One of my most embarrassing stories involves a boy, a closet at church, and a broken arm (when I was 15).

21. I still freak out, gag, curse, etc. over nasty diapers.

22. I have terrible road rage. My husband thinks it’s “cute.” Cut me off, motherfucker, and see how cute I am.

23. I used to wear my Hanson t-shirts all the time in middle school. I still have one of them.

24. My favorite superhero is Spiderman. Not Batman.

25. No one is allowed in my house when it’s not clean enough. Come to my door anyway and I will tell you to leave as politely as possible.

26. All plants and flowers gifted to me have perished under my watch. The one plant that did last was given to me after we lost Baby N, and it lived until shortly after Little Man was born (nope, we didn’t change how we cared for it).

27. I campaigned for Ron Paul back in 2012.

28. I was a major overachiever in high school, which led to becoming a slacker in college. I’ve maintained my slacker status–I absolutely will not do more than the bare minimum. Otherwise, people expect and demand way too fucking much of you.

29. I only buy a purse every year or two, and never spend more than $25 on one.

30. My stepmom saved me from falling out of a raft going over a waterfall.

31. On a different trip, I almost drowned while tubing after I turned over on some white water and my arm got tangled in the life jacket I had tied to the handle of my tube (not smart enough to wear it properly).

32. If you ask me to say the pledge, I will fuck it up. I had to say the pledge over the intercom in high school for two years straight (one of my duties as student council VP and president) and if I didn’t have it in front of me, I’d screw up thanks to getting tongue tied when I’m nervous.

33. I only eat Oscar Meyer bun length wienies made of chicken and pork. ONLY.

34. I don’t like anything cheesy.

35. We found out we were pregnant with Little Man at the same place my husband proposed.

36. I’ve lost my engagement ring more times than I can count.

37. I curse a lot.

38. People who say “only uneducated/stupid people” curse annoy the shit out of me. My college diploma and IQ say “fuck you, motherfucker!”

39. I can’t stand a limp handshake. I will completely judge you for that.

40. I cheat at board games. Like Monopoly. I will so steal some money and property.

41. I got my hearing aids adjusted today.

42. I can pick a lock. I used to do this in the summers as a kid when I would get bored. I have no idea why, but it has come in handy quite a few times (for non-illegal reasons).

43. I have a hair-trigger temper, but there’s only two times you’ll see it. See #22 , plus when I lose to my husband playing video games, because I should never ever lose to him.

44. My husband and I sometimes write shit together. We have written short stories, a couple of plays, as well as an entire album spoofing Doyle Hargraves from Slingblade.

45. I like to tell my husband Marvel is better than DC Comics to annoy him. He will spend at least half an hour defending DC Comics.

46. Mean Girls is one of my favorite movies.

47. I love technology and want all the gadgets. I’ve started badgering my husband for a new laptop that I don’t need just because I want Windows 10.

48. I once served my dad half-cooked bacon and runny pancakes for Father’s Day. When I was 14. I still can’t cook bacon for shit.

49. Sam and I dressed up as hobbits for Halloween once. I was Frodo and he was Sam. We did not use these costumes for role playing in the bedroom.

50. I’m hungry.

I made it! Even if some of these are random as hell.

First Post Challenge

Hollie at My Blog Is My Boyfriend nominated me to participate in the First Post Challenge. I’m a sucker for things like this, so participate I shall.

Here are the rules:

Copy-paste, link, pingback, etc. your first post.

Identify the post: introduction, story, poem.

Explain why it was your first post. Technically this isn’t my first post. The first one was pretty much the same as my About Me page (until I updated it). The first real post was Holy Fingernails, Batman! I wrote about this because I thought it was funny how difficult such a seemingly easy task was.

Nominate five other bloggers. I’m not sure who has or hasn’t been nominated, but if you haven’t done this yet and would like to, go for it! And feel free to post the link in my comments so I won’t miss it. 🙂


Holy Fingernails, Batman!

I am constantly comparing Baby Girl’s infancy to Little Man’s. That’s easier said than done sometimes since there is a solid 6+ years between them, but I’m still back and forth on their eating habits, sleep habits, etc. While BG has been the easier baby by far at this point, there is one thing that isn’t so easy: trimming those damn fingernails.

I’m pretty sure that one of the most difficult tasks for a parent to an infant to perform is trimming fingernails. No joke, I have to wipe the sweat from my brow by the time I’m finished with Baby Girl. It shouldn’t be that difficult, but it is, and it’s that tough regardless of whether she is asleep or awake. She loves to ball up her fists and she has the strongest baby grip in the world. It’s like she’s on steroids (complete with the ‘roid rage when that bottle doesn’t get there fast enough).

As any parent knows, if you don’t keep those suckers trimmed, those precious little hands turn the baby into Edward Scissorhands, Jr. and not only will that perfect little face get scratched up, you will suffer as well.

Here’s the painstaking process I undergo when trying to trim Baby Girl’s nails:

  1. Try to unclench BG’s fist. When that fails, settle for a finger.
  2. Realize that the light isn’t in the right position. Let go, adjust the light, and repeat step 1.
  3. Keep the clippers steady next to her nail as she tries to flail about and trim exactly 1/3 of the nail.
  4. The finger slips out of reach, so back to step 1.
  5. After getting the finger free and getting step 3 out of the way again, realize that this is a different finger. Crap.
  6. Steps 1, 3-5 continue for a solid 15 minutes. I think I’m finally done with one hand and manage to pry her fingers loose for a minute to feel for any snags. I feel at least three because of step 4, so back to work.
  7. Ask the husband why the hell he hasn’t managed to trim a single nail in the seven years the two of you have been parents.
  8. After I finally get everything smoothed out, call it a day because every muscle in my neck and arms are tensed up from the awkward position I’ve been in. Grab a single mitten to put on the other hand if it’s really bad.
  9. Reward myself with a mixed drink. Think “better not, I’m breastfeeding,” then decide I’ll pump and dump. Drink on.

On a sidenote, I remember the first time I trimmed LM’s fingernails. He was just a few days old and I slightly nicked the skin. He had a doctor’s appointment that afternoon, and I was terrified that I would be reported to DSS.