‘J’ is for Just Stop Fighting

My offspring will not stop fighting, and it’s Spring Break, so instead of only having to hear this fighting in the evenings and on weekends, I’m getting it nonstop. And all of that fighting means yelling and constant tattling.

A few tattles from the past 24 hours:

“Mommy, Little Man’s not being a king!” I made the mistake of telling the kids to play together. LM wanted to play baseball and BG wanted to play kings and queens.

“Mommy, Little is calling [the dog] names!” After watching Coco, Baby Girl decided she wanted to rename our dog Bilbo and call him Dante. Little Man, of course, is opposed to this. So, last night when BG tattled on LM for calling the dog names, I assumed LM had called him dumb or something. Nope. He called him “Bilbo.” Sorry, BG, but calling one’s pet by the name it has gone by for 3.5 years is not calling him names in a bad way.

“Mom, Baby Girl called me a meanie!” Well, at least she didn’t call you an idiot this time, right? All of LM’s name-calling when he gets pissed at BG is really coming back to bite him in the ass.

“Mom, Baby Girl attacked me!” As usual, Little Man presented that as being randomly attacked. You’ve heard of drive-by shootings? Well, there are drive-by bites and scratches in this household. They just happen, for no rhyme or reason. Uh, no. LM, being bitten and scratched is what happens when you rip a toy out of a 3-year-old’s hands, after you told her it was hers to keep. Does it make her right? No, but you definitely aren’t innocent in this.

“Mommy, he’s licking the sucker!” It’s a sucker. People lick them. And it’s his sucker, so he has the right to lick it without being tattled on.

“Mommy, Little Man’s being a floofer!” We never figured out what she was trying to say there, but clearly being a floofer is not a good thing.

“Mom, she’s naked!” Come on, now. That child being in a state of only being partially clothed is nothing new around here.

“Mommy, Little Man is LOOKING at me.” Jesus Christ, child. This is when you start feeling your will to live exit your body. If you were on your death bed, there’d be no holding on for a little while longer. You’d be all “Toodleloo, motherfucker, I’m checking out now. Good riddance.”

Today we are taking the children to Great Wolf Lodge to stay overnight. My husband is taking BG to the kid area and I’m going to watch LM in the big kid area. We will be fight-free until we get back together for supper.

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