Things Kids Say Thursday: Happy Birthday, Batman

Today is my birthday. I’m 33, so — as I’ve been reminded by my husband — I can no longer claim to be “just into my 30s” or my early “30s.” It’s mid-30s now, or so he says. He’s six years older than me, so all those years of teasing him about being old are coming back to bite me.

This morning I told Baby Girl that today is my birthday, hoping she’d sing Happy Birthday in the adorable way that she does.

“No, it not,” she answered. “It not Mommy’s birthday. It’s Batman’s birthday. Happy birthday, Batman!”

Da hell?

“No, it’s Mommy’s birthday today,” I tried again.

“No! It NOT Mommy’s birthday. It Batman’s birthday!” she argued. And then she started singing. “Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to Batman, happy birthday to you.”


She cut her toy birthday cake and sang to her Batman again later — not a word for her mommy. Fucking caped crusader.

The birthday was pretty good, but very non-eventful aside from getting flowers. We’ll try to celebrate on Sunday after the Busiest Week Ever finishes. Little Man has had soccer every day since Sunday and will have it again tomorrow (his team will play for the All Star Championship). Plus I’ve been trying to complete a laundry list of deep cleaning chores, get our sweaters ready, get Little Man’s costume stuff together for the program on Monday, go to appointments, decorate, plus the usual stuff. I believe the drinks I have on Saturday will be well deserved.


Baby Girl Got It

Last week I made a post about Baby Girl being less than thrilled with me when I told her not to stick her hand down her diaper and grab her poop. It was her poop and her stinky butt, after all — who was I to interfere with that, right? Well, yesterday was Baby Girl’s Revenge.

While I was doing dishes, BG walked up to me looking absolutely gleeful and had her arm outstretched.

“Mommy, I got it! I got it!”

She waved her hand at me, and I noticed that there was something covering her fingers. She got it all right — a fist full of squishy poop. (Hope you weren’t eating.) I used lots of wipes. Lots and LOTS of wipes, followed by lots and lots of soap.

Not poop. This is cho

From a different day — not poop. This is one is chocolate, thankfully.

I ordered some long sleeve onesies on Amazon for her to wear under her shirts to make digging around in there a little more difficult while we wait for this phase to pass or for her to get potty trained. I’m not sure if either will happen before she turns three, because a) second child and b) she never makes things easy on us.

Now for some non shitty news…

Remember how Little Man hoped to make the soccer All Star team this year? They had a meeting over the weekend to rank the players, and Little Man was in a three-way tie for 9th place. He had to make the top ten to be on the team, so the coach over the team was going to think about it, decide which two to keep, and then let the ones that made it know. We didn’t hear anything all week, so we assumed that he didn’t make it. Disappointing, but coming in at 11th out of 70-odd kids in their division was still something to be proud of.

And then we got the call tonight letting us know that Little Mad had indeed made the team. They play for the county championship after Thanksgiving, so hopefully it goes well!

How are you guys doing? Anything new (and hopefully nonshitty) to report?

Weekend Coffee Share: Not Cat Poop, Not A Flood, And Not Quite Preschool

If we were having coffee, I would shock you by fixing myself a cup of coffee. Yeah, you read that right — Mrs. Coffee Hater over here just might have a cup. One of my goals this year was to learn to like something new, and coffee was high on that list, as I absolutely love the smell of it, but hated the taste. I set out to find a coffee that wasn’t too bitter. Mission accomplished. It’s a Green Mountain breakfast blend with loads of creamer, but it’s still coffee.

Screenshot 2016-09-04 at 10.31.40 AM

I’m not sure how often I’ll be drinking, since the caffeine made me jittery as hell (I looked it up and it’s three times the amount in a can of Coke, which I usually consume much more slowly), but it’ll be nice to have one every once in a while and not always have to order hot chocolate at Starbucks. I also bought some herbal tea to help with sleep so I can kick my Ambien habit and a mocha latte K-cup pack that comes with creamer. (So that’s TWO things for the yearly goal.) I was looking up the name of the mocha latte so I could be lazy and not have to get up, and this is what Google told me.

Screenshot 2016-09-04 at 10.11.42 AM

It’s not that. It’s Gevalia brand. And they’re froth packets, not creamer. Thanks for making me get my ass off the couch and ruining my laziness, Google.

Now you’re up to date on my coffee adventures.

If we were having coffee, I’d also tell you that our dog came home on Wednesday. He has to stay on crated bed rest for a month, aside from going out to use the bathroom, per the vet, but we set up Baby Girl’s old play yard for him, so he has more space. He’s getting around well when we take him out to use the bathroom. He wanted to run and go after a dog that came in the yard on Friday, so that’s a good sign.

Screenshot 2016-09-04 at 10.31.20 AM

Did y’all see the news about Hurricane Hermine? We were supposed to get 9 inches in my part of South Carolina, had flood watches and all that, so I kept LM home from school on Friday. The other districts around us had announced early dismissal, but not ours, of course. We live quite a ways away from the school, so rather than risk getting caught in a flash flood, I kept him home. There were no flash floods, and barely a couple inches of rain the last I checked, thankfully, but you can bet LM was happy to get a four-day weekend!

LM starts soccer on Monday. And Baby Girl starts her Mommy’s Morning Out thing at the preschool on Wednesday. Big week! The school had orientation on Thursday night, and one little boy hit BG and made her cry because he wanted her toy. The kid ended up being the grandson of the teacher who paddled me in elementary school (I didn’t do anything wrong, but that’s a story for another day). I told Sam that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. I know that sort of thing will happen, though. I was surprised that as assertive as BG is with LM (she’ll clobber him if he gets in her face or takes something from her), that she cried. (The kid’s mom scolded him and made him say sorry, in case you’re wondering.)

Hmm…what else? I’m sure you don’t want to hear about grocery shopping yesterday, or watching lots of college football this weekend, so I’m going to stop here. Have a good weekend!

What’s been going on with you this week?

Weekend Coffee Share is hosted by Diana at Part-Time Monster.


#WeekendCoffeeShare: Soccer, Spring Cleaning, and Origami


Good evening, coffee drinkers and non-coffee drinkers. This has been a pretty busy weekend, so I’m behind on the post I intended to write yesterday afternoon (although I now have more to write about), as well as blog reading, commenting, and then minor household crap like sweeping and folding the laundry. (We all know that the household crap can wait.) 

Since I’m sure you’re wondering what I’ve been so busy with, I’ll tell you: soccer, soccer, soccer. Okay, only a little of it was soccer. Little Man had a soccer game yesterday, and his team won 2-0. Little Man spent half of the game at midfield and half on offense. He loves playing midfielder, but isn’t a fan of playing on offense, although he (quite maturely) said, “I might not like it, but I’ll play where I’m needed.” He did well at both spots and is super excited about the next game. He has become intensely interested in it this season, which has been nice to see! (Can you tell this paragraph was mainly a way to get a parent brag in?)

After soccer yesterday, we got a start on our spring cleaning, which meant cleaning out the kids’ clothes drawers and stuff. We also went through all of Baby Girl’s clothes that were in storage and packed up everything that didn’t have sentimental value to give away.


BG’s preemie onesie vs. outfit for now.

The little preemie clothes were killing my ovaries. “Must have another baby!” they shouted at me and Sam, but Sam wasn’t hearing it and told them to piss off.


The cleaning out extended into today, when we focused mostly on Little Man’s room, which has looked especially rough since getting half a toy story between Christmas and his birthday last month (despite getting rid of stuff before the holidays). He has done okay with keeping stuff out of his floor, but that meant piling toys up on every surface. On top of that, there were all of his collections, some of which needed to go, such as the fruit seeds collection. Thankfully there was no “dead bugs collection” this time.


After we finished cleaning LM’s room, LM and I worked on his school project. This semester, Little Man had to select a topic that relates to Japan or India and do a report about the topic, as well as come up with a costume and include an interactive presentation. After some discussion, he decided on origami. That sounded easy enough, until we actually tried origami together.


Some of our attempts.

Little Man is just like me in some ways, which means his brain shuts down when there’s instructions overload.

folding-an-origami-crane_o_1191555I found a couple origami projects intended for preschoolers, and Little Man and I both were able to complete them. Whew! We’ve been working on putting together a PowerPoint presentation on origami, which has meant doing fun stuff like research. We finished it today, so the only thing left is practicing delivering the presentation.

That’s about it for my weekend. Do tell me about yours!

Weekend Coffee Share is hosted by Diana at Part-Time Monster.


Things Kids Say Thursday: Nuts And Balls

Sam and I were practicing soccer with Little Man on Monday and I told him to make sure he doesn’t put his hands on the ball, as he tried to put his hands up in the air to stop it in the last game.

“Touch it with your head. Your knee. Your chest. Any part of your body that isn’t your hands,” I told him.

LM thought for a moment. “Do want me to try to hit it in the air with my penis?”

“Your what?” I asked at the same time Sam yelled “No!”


During that same practice, Sam was kicking the ball down the field to him so he could practice stopping it and kicking it back (he plays midfielder usually). Sam kicked one ball especially hard. LM stopped it and kicked it back, then told me this:

“You’ve gotta be careful with balls kicked that hard, Mom–they could hit you right in the nuts if you aren’t paying attention and break them.”

I stifled a laugh. “I don’t have ‘nuts.'” We’ve been down this path before.

He sighed. “Fine, if the ball hit those little round things inside your nuts hard enough, it could break them.”

I give up trying to teach him female anatomy–he can figure it out later.


Baby Girl is still on her ‘ball’ kick. If it’s round, it’s a ball. Typical toddler overgeneralizations, but we get a kick out of it.

Up until the past few days, BG would call an apple an apple, at least.

“Eat apple?” she’d ask when she wanted one.

Now apples are also balls.

My mother-in-law brought back some apples from their trip to the mountains and gave us a few. Baby Girl grabbed one off the table and carried it around, showing us her ‘ball.’

“That’s an apple, BG,” I told her.

“Dat ball,” she said.


Ball,” she said, narrowing her eyes at me. And, yes, she really does this–if she perceives that you’re correcting her or otherwise telling her no, she will get huffy and sometimes snarls.

“Mama’s gonna cut the apple so you can eat it.”


I took the apple and peeled and cut it into tiny pieces.

“Here,” I said feeding her a bite.


“That’s a good apple, huh?” I asked, pointing to the cut up pieces of apple on the plate.


She wins again.