Weirdos Visit Again

Normally I wouldn’t do another search terms post within 24 hours of the last one, but, jeez, I have to.

In case this individual ever comes back, I’ll answer that —

Does Captain Morgan make your breath smell after drinking it? (I’m gonna assume that’s what this person meant.) Yes. And if you drink too much of it, like I did that one time, your breath will smell significantly worse than like spiced rum.

On the off-chance this person meant “Does the Captain himself have the ability to smell after drinking,” then I don’t see why alcohol would cause him to lose his olfactory sense. Although, I suppose it’s possible if the Captain gets blackout drunk — he wouldn’t be smelling anything then.

Oh! And I figured out why I keep getting porn hits. I forgot that I had a) written a post about the time I took porn to school while teaching and b) include a “What’s Your Porn Name?” quiz in a post. And here I am calling other people weirdos.

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I Said What?

Some odd people visit my blog, and I don’t just mean those of you who pop in on a regular basis. More often that not, the terms search terms WordPress shows me that people used to get to this blog are fairly unusual. Sometimes they’re downright creepy. (Thank god I can’t see them all, or I might GTFO.)

This is my March so far. (And I don’t know Peter Kay is.)

I don’t recall posting the last thing on this blog, but I suppose it isn’t untrue.

TWAMS Year In Review

(TWAMS: That’s What Anxious Mom Said. Twams. Yeah, that’s not gonna work. I promise to never use that again.)

So, I guess WordPress isn’t doing the Year In Review thing anymore. I’ve gotten that email or notification (I can’t remember which) the past two years telling me how awesome my year was, which posts rocked the most, etc. I suppose I’ll have to do the hard work myself this time. And by doing the “hard work,” I mean looking at the stats that have been neatly compiled by WordPress

Here goes.

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As you can see from the bar graph, the blog took a hit from 2015. Ouch. I had 193 posts in 2016 compared to 236 posts in 2015. The number from 2015 would be higher if you counted the many posts I changed to private, so that would make the drop about right numbers wise. Maybe this year I’ll blog more and network more, get back on Twitter and Facebook and all that crap. But probably not.

On to more interesting things…

WordPress shows me the top commenters on my blog. It only shows it for the past 1,000 comments rather than for the whole year, so that will have to do.

Joey
StomperDad
Larva225
Just Plain Ol Vic
Draliman
Bradley

Thanks for taking the time to comment y’all and other y’alls not listed. 😀

Now for the top posts that I wrote in 2016 (based on views rather than likes, as that’s what the stats page is showing me). Certain posts and pages got more views (like my homepage, about page, and the You’re Killing Me Smalls post), but I’m going to focus just on what I wrote this year. So, my top ten posts for the year were:

Meet A Blogger: Victo Dolore
Three Fictional Characters Challenge
Meet A Blogger: The Monster In Your Closet
A To Z Theme Reveal: Text Speak
Mommy Started The Fire!
You’re So Lucky
Funny Friday: That’s No Jesus
The Birthday Girl
Mommy Do It
Throwback Thursday: My Shame

Now for a stat that tends to be equal parts amusing and horrifying — my search terms. Here’s the top search terms that led to my site in 2016:

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The top list was more horrifying than amusing. And, boy, I’ve gotten a lot of hits on my Captain Morgan post over the past few weeks. I guess people have been overdoing it with the Captain during the holidays (hopefully they didn’t overdo it as bad as I did, though).

Since that list leaned more creepy than amusing, I’m going to include my top ten favorite search terms from the year:

  1. How to have hair like Meg Ryan
  2. Why do I blank out after Captain Morgans
  3. Puke bake sex
  4. Yoda fuck with him you do not
  5. Stepmom caught cleaning with no clothes on
  6. Anakin Skywalker scar
  7. Realizing you were a crap mother and what to do about it
  8. Captain Morgans makes me sick
  9. My husband is the least protective
  10. Michael Jackson ghost chant got a ghost

Some of those were freaking long! And you gotta love that number seven led to my blog. (Yep, I’m gonna laugh rather than believe that maybe the universe is trying to send me a message, as that will only lead to more therapy.)

I can’t think of anymore stats for 2016 to add beyond these. So, now you know everything about my blogging year. Possibly more than you wanted to know. Almost definitely, even. Aside from blogging regularly and avoiding the week-long (and sometimes more) breaks that happened in the last half of the year, I don’t really have any blogging goals for 2017. Maybe I should change my name to Slack Mom?

Now it’s your turn — did you have any blogging goals for 2016 that you met? Any stats that you were proud of, found amusing, etc.? Maybe you want to share your top/favorite post from 2016 for me and all of the ones and ones of bloggers that will read this post to check out? 😀

Throwback Thursday, Search Terms Style

No, this is not the post I had the idea for when I was writing about my mental constipation yesterday. It’s coming, though. Between being in a brain fog for the first half of the day thanks to a nighttime anxiety medicine that shall be chucked and being busy with other stuff, functional blog writing time hasn’t happened so much. Yet.

This is an easy and quick enough post, though, my blog search terms for last month. There aren’t many, as I’ve been getting almost 100 percent unknown search terms for the last couple weeks or so, but there was a gem or two.

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I’ve already covered my confusion over the sprained ankle family blog last month, and here it is again. (Spoiler alert — before you google it, there is no blog dedicated to an accident prone family with the tendency to fuck up their ankles.)

Now, I don’t want to know why “moms kick testicles” was being searched for, or why it was searched for twice and led here, but the reason for that is the comments section of a post where Little Man referenced my “nuts.”

My favorite of these was the “captain morgans makes me sick” search term. Now, for every drunk person who looks this up, I’ll be the second site they come to. Hooray for me. This was one of my funnier-pathetic posts where I talk about how I’ll never drink Captain Morgan’s again. And I won’t.

Did y’all get anything weird or funny in your search terms last month?

Fun Friday: Cleaning Nekkid

I realize that I’ve done a funny search terms post within the last two or three weeks, but this gem popped up on Monday, and there was no way I was waiting a month or two to share it with the full list I do.

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I wouldn’t consider myself very lucky if I caught my stepmom cleaning naked. Unless she was cleaning my house. I suppose there are some things you can get past for the sake of getting some of Baby Girl’s nastiness cleaned up.

So…since I’ve declared today Fun Friday, tell me something funny. Or else.