Things Kids Say Thursday: The Ten Commandments

Around the start of summer vacation, Little Man and Baby Girl went to VBS at a church we used to regularly attend. When I’d pick up LM each day, he’d tell me what they did, and the lesson for one of the days went over The Ten Commandments. Spying an opportunity for something cute to include in my Things Kids Say posts, I grabbed a pen and piece of paper to write down what he said.

But then I lost the paper and y’all had to read about other cute things he/Baby Girl did or said.

And then I found it today, which is great timing.

So, The Ten Commandments, according to Little Man:

  1. No stealing. [Good…]
  2. Don’t remarry. [Sounds like all of your grandparents are screwed.]
  3. No killing people. [Also good…]
  4. Obey your parents. [Heck yeah.]
  5. Sing a song about God every day. [If that’s what floats your boat, sure.]
  6. No kicking people out of the country. [For the sake of not going political here, no comment.]
  7. No choking people. Or wrestling. [Well, half of that you definitely shouldn’t do.]
  8. Let as many babies (what he calls stuffed animals) sleep in your bed as you want. [Suggesting that I’m defying God’s law by not letting you keep 252 stuffed animals in your bed won’t cut it.]
  9. Admit that science makes you smarter. [Since I’m not going political, I’ll skip the obvious joke that could be made here.]
  10. Treat people nicely by throwing them parties. [That’s not very subtle, LM.]
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It’s Fine Time

If you’ve ever had an account on Facebook or MySpace, then you probably remember that “What’s Your Fine?” game. For those of you who never wasted much time on those sites (or aren’t friends with people who share silly crap), it’s where you’re given a list of “crimes” and the fines that goes along with them. You add up your crimes and post the fine total.

I don’t think I ever shared one of those, mainly because most of my friends list consists of family members and church people, plus a couple of preachers. Plus you’d risk facing the wrath of my husband’s sweet great aunt. One time I posted a recipe for a yummy cocktail and she told me that I should be ashamed of myself and implied that I was going to hell. She didn’t seem so sweet after that. I later found out that she spent much of her free time shaming various family members via social media, so it wasn’t just me at least. I can’t speak for the others, but my husband and I were relieved when the option to hide statuses from people came along.

Anyway, here’s the Fine Game, since I know you’re dying for me to cut to the chase so you can find out just how bad you are.

You don’t have to confess your answers, just the amount of your fine.

NOTE fines to be added once, not for how ever many times you have done it.

Smoked weed — $10

Did acid or pills — $5

Ever had sex at church — $25

Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you — $40

Had sex with someone on MySpace/Facebook/Bebo etc — $25

Had sex for money — $100

Ever had sex with a Puerto Rican — $20

Vandalized something — $20

Had sex on your parents’ bed — $10

Beat up someone — $20

Been jumped — $10

Cross dressed — $10

Given money to stripper — $25

Been in love with a stripper — $20

Kissed someone who’s name you didn’t know — $0.10

Hit on some one of the same sex while at work — $15

Ever drive and drank — $20

Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk — $50

Used toys while having sex — $30

Got drunk, passed out and don’t remember the night before — $20

Went skinny dipping — $5

Had sex in a pool — $20

Kissed someone of the same sex — $10

Had sex with someone of the same sex — $20

Cheated on your significant other — $10

Masturbated — $10

Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend — $20

Done oral — $5

Got oral — $5

Done / got oral in a vehicle while it was moving — $25

Stole something — $10

Had sex with someone in jail — $25

Made a nasty home video or took pictures — $15

Had a threesome — $50

Had sex in public — $20

Been in the same room while someone was having sex — $25

Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars — $20

Had sex with someone 10 years older — $20

Had sex with someone under the age accepted by rule of thumb (half your age plus 7) — $25

Been in love with two people or more at the same time– $50

Said you love someone but didn’t mean it — $25

Went streaking — $5

Went streaking in broad daylight — $15

Been arrested — $5

Spent time in jail — $15

Pissed in the pool — $0.50

Played spin the bottle — $5

Done something you regret — $20

Had sex with your best friend — $20

Had sex with someone you work with at work — $25

Had anal sex — $80

Lied to your mate — $5

Lied to your mate about the sex being good — $25

I’m kinda curious. When it says “be jumped” does that mean that a bunch of people rolled up and beat you down or does it mean your significant other rolled up on you and sexed you up? And $20 for “done something you regret”? Seriously? I probably do something regrettable every day.

And, since I’m just on my blog and there are no family members, church folk, or preachers present, I’ll cop to my fine: $225.

Fun, right? And by “fun,” I mean absolute time waster. And pretty silly. So, not so fun. My guilty pleasure remains doing pointless quizzes that reveal my soul, hobbies, and food preferences.

Don’t run off just yet, though. There is another Fine Game going around on Facebook. I saw it yesterday when a few of my friends posted their fine amounts. Only this one isn’t naughty.

Check the Church Fine Game:

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Funny how things change after nearly a decade, huh? People go from vaguely confessing their naughty shit to vaguely confessing their church histories.

In case you’re wondering, my fine was $30. My husband’s was $190. One day I hope to cast out a demon, but I’m pretty sure something from the first list will be going on for that to happen.

Wanna share your fines? No? Pooh on you.

Our Religious Freedoms Are Being Taken

Heads up–if you’re someone who likes to use your religion to spread hate (maybe you don’t call it “hate,” but you use it to discriminate against others), move along. You won’t like this post and this issue isn’t something I will debate. 

Imagine my surprise tonight when I’m scrolling through my Facebook feed for the first time in a while (scrolling through the WordPress feed is much funner) when I see that there is a petition being passed around specific to my hometown.

Interested, I open it up. It’s a petition to get the county’s rec department to stop having makeup games on Wednesdays. I know how this goes, as Little Man participates. When a game is called off because of the weather, it’s rescheduled on either Wednesday or Friday night. Regular games are on the other days (except Sunday, obviously).

I roll my eyes as I skim through it. The petition maintains that makeup games should only be on Friday night, not Wednesday because of “religious reasons.” If you aren’t from the South, then you may not know that Southern Baptists have certain programs and worship on Wednesday nights. (Maybe regular ol’ Baptists around the rest of the country do as well; I wouldn’t know.)

As I read more, I can’t help but think that this is a dumb petition. (Why yes, I am an asshole!) For one, these are elementary age kids–it’s not the end of the world if your kid misses a game! This could be a good opportunity to teach them about priorities, no? And usually when we have nasty weather days, it’s for more than one day (or the fields are so muddy the day after that they’re called off). How are we gonna reschedule every single game that may be canceled over the course of the week on one night? Uh, no, not happening.

And another thing, the petition talks about how the parents paid good money for their kids to play, yet their religious freedoms are being stomped on in order to participate.

Do what?!

At a time when so many of our religious freedoms are being taken and tested, we must protect the few that we do have.

Dear petition maker, I see what you’re doing here. Since the gays are getting to marry, which clearly tests your religious freedom (how, I’m unsure), then the issue of rescheduling kiddie sports games on Wednesday nights is pretty fucking important. I mean, gotta get in that extra hate service right, otherwise your kids might miss the lesson on ways good Christians can hate gays. Can’t have that.

Christians like this (whose numbers seem to be higher than Christians who aren’t like this) make the rest look bad. Get over your fucking selves. Not everything is about you and your religion, least of all the rescheduling of a damn t-ball game. Which I doubt you really care about anyway and are likely just using it as a method of getting everyone riled up about the possibility of their religious freedoms being trampled upon. 

Signed,

An Annoyed Christian

(Oh, remember that heads up at the top? Still applies.)