You know how you have serious talks with your spouse or partner at times and talk about goals and shit? Sam and I had one of those last night. We were talking about a certain goal for 2016 and how to achieve it.
“This year has gone by fast,” Sam said to me tonight after we watched an episode of Parks and Rec on Netflix.
“Not really. It’s been a hell of a year,” I responded.
“Oh. Well, what do you want to do for our New Year’s resolutions?” he asked.
“Lose weight, I guess.”
I don’t really care for doing resolutions, but if I’m going to do one, that’s gonna be it. It happened some in 2013. In 2014 I was pregnant much of the year and only had to maintain, then I got a pass for just having a baby on the rest of the year. 2015 was a bust and I can no longer blame just having a baby, I fear.
Sam patted his belly. “Yeah, it’s time.”
“Why don’t we make it into a competition?” I suggested. “The first to lose 30 pounds wins…something.” Since that is my number for the physical, this is sorta to my advantage, which Sam doesn’t know.
Sam agreed. “What will the winner get?”
“Hmm. Well, I know what motivates me: leather jewelry, a vacation, video games, tattoos…I don’t know about you.”
“Making you happy is my motivator.”
“Be for real. What do you want to do?”
“I am for real. But how about if I lose, then I finally get a tattoo?” Sam suggested.
Ooh, nice. I’ve been after him to get one for a while. Every time we visit the tattoo shop for me, he gets all amped up about getting one, but a week later he backs out and talks about the pain.
“Okay. If you lose, then I get to pick out a tattoo for you.” Before he could change his mind, I added, “It will be the size of a half dollar and will not be anything crude or embarrassing.”
He agreed. “And if I win, then you can’t play Hanson in the car or around me for a week.”
Da fuck is this shit?
“You like Hanson,” I stated.
“But not all the time!” he exclaimed. “Okay? If I lose, you get to pick a tattoo. And if you lose, no Hanson for a week.”
We shook hands to seal the deal.
And that, my friends, is how setting goals with your partner is done. I advise you to pick a band to play nonstop to annoy your person so that it can be used whenever any negotiating comes up or wagers are made.