G is for GMV

Don’t you just love election time? It’s always lovely to see a group of servants work their hardest at promoting their qualities that would keep our country moving in a progressive direction. Or something like that.

Today’s textspeak can be used when discussing politics with your friends:

Screen Shot 2016-04-08 at 1.21.33 AMBefore you think this post is gonna be all about Feeling the Bern —


It’s not (but, yeah, he’s GMV). It’s also not going to be about how shitty the other candidates are. Instead, I’m gonna do something a little more fun.

Do you ever ask yourself who you’d appoint to help you run things if you became Queen of the World? Or President? No? Well, if you aren’t regularly sizing up your friends based on the GMV factor, then you’re doing things wrong.

As you’ve probably gleaned by now, I’ve created my own little government of sorts, and I can promise you it’s full of people who would make the contenders in the U.S. primaries look like weak little shits. This government’s purpose is to rule over the blogosphere. There will be no promises of making the blogging community great again, but we’ll do things. The things we do may or may not be helpful, but they’ll be funny. And if you don’t think they’re funny, then we can probably arrange for a virtual wall to be built on your dime to keep you away.

Without further ado, I give you the people who GMV for the little dictatorship that’s going to rock the blogging world. If your name isn’t up here, then I guess you should have done a little better on the bribery end of things. Screen Shot 2016-04-08 at 10.54.28 AM

The President – Obviously that’s me. My qualities include being great at delegating any and all responsibilities and avoiding conflict. The most scandalous thing you’ll see during my time in office is that I far too often shirk my responsibilities for a Netflix binge. One day it will be revealed that Little Man was really the brains behind this operation.

The Vice President – Watch out for John — they don’t call him John the Basterd for no reason, after all. He’s ruthless, and is known for his ability to reduce a person to a quivering pile of goo with his sharp tongue, which makes him a great enforcer for this government. If anyone gets shot while hunting with John, you can pretty much guarantee that it wasn’t an accident.

The Assistant – (Okay, “Assistant” is kind of a sucky title, but blame the graphic I stole.) Meet Laura, the Assistant aka my Foul Language Czar. You’ve probably noticed that four-letter words are a thing on my slice of blog heaven, and Laura will make sure that continues. Not only that, but she’ll make sure that we stay up to date with cursing trends. We’re pretty sure her little guy is the one starting these trends, but either way, no one will accuse this government of not being with the times.

The Prime Minister – Remember all the shirking of the responsibilities? Well, someone has to keep shit afloat, and it’s Eric. No matter how much has has on his plate, he gets the job done, partly because he ignores child labor laws and enlists the help of his sons Crash and Bang, partly because he’s just that good.

The Opposition – You’re probably thinking that Joey would have made a great #2, and that’s true. She was all set for that spot until my research team uncovered her devious plan to remove me from the throne. Some people prefer a good old fashioned assassination, but her plan was to force me to listen to audio readings of the 50 Shades series until I went nuts. She’s now engaging in a mudslinging campaign to bring us all down. Watch out for her.

Thanks for being willing participants, y’all 🙂

Alternative meanings: None, unless you want to create your own textspeak acronym.

Textspeak I passed up: G2G (got to go), GI (google it), GMAB (give me a break), GNOC (get naked on cam), GILF (grandmother I’d like to fuck), and GOB (game on bitches).

Who would you say GMV for your blogging government? 


Making Christmas Great

I’ve gotten a few nice Christmas cards in the mail so far, but nothing will ever top the one I received today:

When my husband handed it to me, I was certain that one of our friends was playing a joke on us. Between the photo, the message inside, and the fact that the card had the appearance and feel of something you’d print off your computer back in the 90s and early 2000s–when having a color printer was something special–it seemed like something he’d do.

But no. When I laughed and told my husband that our friend B was probably playing a joke on us, he told me he’d seen other people post about getting the card on Facebook. People who aren’t friends with B. So it’s legit.

I’m shocked that there wasn’t an asterisk after “I love you all” with *unless you’re a woman, Muslim, Hispanic, black, etc. at the bottom.

And “Happy Holidays” doesn’t strike me as the mentality that will make America great again. Too PC! But that’s okay. I have proudly hung it on my fridge anyway.

Have you gotten any really special or funny Christmas cards?

K is for Kryptonite (But Don’t Smoke It)

I’m not sure where my notebook is with the things I’ve written down to blog on for the A to Z Challenge. I’ll find it, but not right now, because the couch is comfy and I don’t want to move. I asked my husband for a suggestion for the K topic, hoping I wouldn’t have to move. He delivered: kryptonite. (This post probably won’t be how he imagined it going, though.)

Kryptonite: the green stuff that makes Superman not so super.

Lex Luthor loves the shit.

Batman has been known to carry it.

(Is there really any question about how shady Batman is now? Between his tendency to dress in black and lurk about like a creeper, he also has also been known to carry a bit of kryptonite around, just in case. Told y’all he was suspect!)


Yes, I am a hater.

So, Superman gets all weak in the knees over kryptonite, certain bad guys and so-called heroes have been known to get their grubby paws on it.

Yawn. Let’s go to google, shall we?

When one can use an Office gif, one does.

When one can use an Office gif, one does.

Ooh! In the first few search results, we have the Urban Dictionary’s take on kryptonite, the Kryptonite Handbook, and the song Kryptonite from 3 Doors Down.

First things, first. Urban Dictionary–the leading authority on the meaning of words as they’re commonly used.

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If anyone ever offers me the opportunity to purchase kryptonite, I would definitely Just Say No. (This way I can’t be duped into thinking I’m going to jail again!)

Next up–Kryptonite Handbook. This one was slightly disappointing. I was expecting that it would, perhaps, be a play on The Anarchist Cookbook. I have no idea why I thought that, besides the fact that there may be something wrong with me. Oh well.

The non-political version–

Screenshot 2015-04-13 at 2.00.03 AM

The political version (perhaps this will read President Clinton’s Kryptonite Handbook in another year and a half or so?)–


And, finally, the song Kryptonite by 3 Doors Down. This was released when I was a sophomore in high school, so it has some age on it.

And since my brain went from the song Kryptonite to “Hey, wasn’t there also a Superman song out when I was in high school?” I found this:

By the way, if you were wondering what my personal kryptonite is, it’s chocolate. Yummy, delicious milk chocolate. So if you get pissed off at me for some reason, feel free to send it my way.