One of the worst things you can be in our society is someone who isn’t a dog lover. This is one step above not supporting the military and one step below not buying cookies from the Future Drug Pushers of America (Girl Scouts).
I am not a dog lover. Surprise, surprise. If there’s something that one can do to be labeled weird as fuck, you can bet the house that I will fall in that camp.
Dogs make me very nervous. And besides that, I just don’t like them that much in general. I don’t like their wet noses, how they always want to lick you, how they jump on you, leave hair on you, all of that. You see a dog licking you as him showing love, I see him putting crotch germs on me. You think a dog panting in your face while showing he’s happy to see you is sweet and I see the dog breathing butthole breath. The only thing we will likely agree on is that the barking is annoying.
Little Man and Sam are dog lovers. They love all the dogs. And, even worse than making me nervous or grossed out, dogs invite heartbreak. I’ve watched LM experience pain that no six-year-old should ever go through when his dog died last year. That turned me off the whole having a dog thing even more, even though I found his current dog when he begged for another.
But, anyway–don’t tell people you don’t like dogs. They will look at you like this:
And then they will hate you forever. Because who the fuck doesn’t like dogs? Disliking cats is socially acceptable, but dogs? Hell no.
“You don’t like dogs?” Person With Dog will ask as I recoil when their dog approaches me.
“Um…generally speaking, no. This one seems cool, though,” I’ll say as I try to inch further away.
Yeah, that’s not very convincing.
My best friend suggested that I start telling people that I’m allergic to dogs. “That won’t make you seem so….ya know.” Weird? Heartless? Stone cold bitch?
I tried that once at a mutual friend’s party.
“You don’t like dogs, E?” I was asked as the horse-sized dog looked at my throat. Probably because pizza was within the vicinity.
“I think I’m allergic. My doctor said I have some allergies.” Yes, I’m a shitty liar. Sort of liar anyway, as I do have allergies, just not ones related to animals that I’m aware of.
My brother, who is also at the party, started laughing. “When did you get allergic to dogs? You aren’t allergic to dogs, you just hate them!”
Sam confirmed my dislike for dogs. “She laughed at the end of Old Yeller,” he told our friends.
And, because someone who isn’t a dog lover is capable of all sorts of horrible things, they seemed to believe him. That’s not true, by the way–I just didn’t cry. The only animal movie that made me cry was White Fang.
So, no, don’t tell people you aren’t a dog lover. Start working on the “I have allergies” lie. It’s easier that way.