Things Kids Say Thursday: Mommy Wants Me To Stab Myself

Last Friday night, I was trying to brush Baby Girl’s teeth to get her ready for bed. I had just finished going over Little Man’s teeth, so I asked him to talk to his sister and get her to smile to make the job easier.

“I need my fingernails cut,” he responded.

“In a few minutes,” I told him while trying to hold the squirming toddler. “Help me with your sister, please.”

“My fingernails really need to be cut. You always cut them on Thursdays, but didn’t yesterday.”

“Okay…help me with your sister and I’ll get them later.”

“Nah, I’ve got better things to do,” he said and walked out.

What the actual fuck?

Rather than chase him down and give him an earful then, I did all the things I do to make BG laugh and smile and got her teeth clean (I hope). She’s one of those types who, in addition to giving me trouble with her fingernails, also thinks having her teeth brushed is the worst possible thing in the world and usually pitches a fit over it.

Right as I was finished with her teeth, Little Man appeared. “Are you ready to trim my nails now?”

I was rather pissed at him, so I responded, “Nah, I’ve got better things to do” and walked off, figuring he’d get it and apologize. (Probably not the best approach, I realize after typing it.)

Instead, the waterworks began. “Daddy,” Little Man wailed while going down the hall towards the kitchen where my husband was fixing BG’s nighttime bottle, “Mommy won’t cut my nails.”

Sam gave him a look. “Okay.” He didn’t offer to do it, as he has never, ever trimmed a single fingernail in this house other than his own. (There are other things he’s never done, but I did get him to use our not-so-new vacuum cleaner for the first time last week.)

Someone wouldn’t help his mom when she asked and told her she had better things to do,” I said in a stern voice.

Sam raised his eyebrows at Little Man and gave him a That’s Serious look. Little Man kept sniffling. “MOMMY WANTS ME TO STAB MYSELF TO DEATH IN MY SLEEP!” he wailed.

Oh lord.

Sam covered his mouth to keep from laughing and I just shook my head (but had a good laugh over it later). “Get in the bathroom,” I told him. I trimmed his nails which were just a tiny bit long–certainly not long enough to stab oneself in one’s sleep–and gave him a good talking to about his lack of help and rude response earlier.

That massive exaggeration reminded me of when Little Man was 3 or 4 and got scolded and wailed, “My heart, it’s broken!”

Got funny/cute kid stories? Share below or create your own Things Kids Say Thursday post. 

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A Rare Baking Post: Apple Danish

I don’t do a lot of cooking related posts (well, any) because I’m not very good at it. I might occasionally gripe about my shitty abilities in a post here and there and I might mention baking once in a while, but generally I stay away from such posts.

Not today.

I decided to make an Apple Danish today. After Little Man quite seriously commented that zombies would love to eat the Danes, since they would taste good because of their danish, I had a taste for an apple danish and found a recipe.

Despite the Hamburger Helper fiasco of last week, I decided to go for it. Here’s how that went…

The dough turned out very sticky. I used to make homemade pretzels, so I knew the consistency was off. Other than melting the butter instead of using room temperature butter, I followed the instructions exactly. It was probably that small change that made it turn out weird. I added a bunch of flour so I could knead it, then let it rise and all that business.

This is before baking it. The strips aren’t exactly right, oops! I ended up having to cook the danish for almost twice as long as the recipe called for, so I think I either didn’t roll the dough thin enough or maybe it wasn’t long enough.

During the baking, there was a casualty. I accidentally threw the oven mitt on top of the burner I had just turned off from making the glaze. I smelled something off and thought, “Dammit, I’ve ruined the fucking danish,” but it was the oven mitt cooking. Luckily I got it off before it caught on fire.  Finally, after all of the checking to see if the danish was done, resetting the time for a couple more minutes, telling Little Man that no, it wasn’t quite ready, the thing was done. This is how it looked out of the oven: 
And here’s the piece I ate: 
The verdict?

It turned out pretty darn good.

Not good enough for Sam to tell me that it was awful and that I shouldn’t taste it (as he does on the rare occasion that I make something fantastic), nor was it good enough for Little Man to pretend to faint (as he does for things he deems awesome), but we all enjoyed it!

The crust turned out to be a little tough, but that was the only thing. I’ll definitely try it again and be sure to not melt the butter and get the dough thinner. Also, the glaze was amazeballs.

What tasty thing have you made lately?

23 Questions With Little Man

I did the interview thing that was going around with Sam back in July, and now I’m going to do the one that’s going around for kids with Little Man. If you haven’t done this with your kids yet, then join me in finding out what your kiddo has picked up about you.

Check out his answers below. I was amused at how formal a few of them sounded.

1. What is something mom always says to you?

I love you.

2. What makes mom happy?

Giving her something nice like a mug.

3. What makes mom sad?

Saying that I don’t love her. (For the record, I haven’t heard him say this.)

4. How does your mom make you laugh?

By being sarcastic.

5. What was your mom like as a child?

She liked Ninja Turtles.

6. How old is your mom?

31 (Correct.)

7. How tall is your mom?

Uh…200 inches tall. (More like 67 inches.)

8. What is her favorite thing to do?

Spend time with her son.

9. What does your mom do when you’re not around?

Relax with her husband.

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?

Writing.

11. What is your mom really good at?

Typing on the computer.

12. What is your mom not very good at?

Playing Pokemon.

13. What does your mom do for a job?

Write articles. (Used to, but not lately.)

14. What is your mom’s favorite food?

I don’t know.

15. What makes you proud of your mom?

Of how good she cuddles.

16. If your mom were a character, who would she be?

Pete the Cat because he has a bad attitude and cheats at games. (Damn. And no, he’s not talking about the cute Pete the Cat from the children’s books, but the Asshole Pete the Cat below.)

Black_Pete_Shooting

17. What do you and your mom do together?

We do a lot of things, like go to Sports Connection.

18. How are you and your mom the same?

We are both nerds.

19. How are you and your mom different?

She’s a girl and I’m a boy.

20. How do you know your mom loves you?

She says it all the time and treats me like it.

21. What does your mom like most about your dad?

I don’t know.

22. Where is your mom’s favorite place to go?

Walmart. (Uh, no.)

23. How old was your mom when you were born?

25. (Close–24)

*For the record, if Baby Girl would answer questions with anything other than “doggy,” “ball,” or “cookie,” I’d have tried this with her. Maybe in a couple years. 😉 

A Relationship Snag

I’m pretty sure this blog and I have hit a relationship snag.

In the beginning, things were new and exciting. I had an idea in mind of the type of blog I wanted and went with it. I was a little unsure, since I didn’t have a lot of experience with blogging, but I was excited to test the waters. We did the whole get to know each other deal where I shared lots of things, like some of my funny stories and my personal stuff.

And then came the commitment. Despite being a habitual quitter of all things, I realized that this blog and I were going places, dammit. Well, maybe we weren’t going places so much as chilling out on the couch with me giving it some attention between episodes of whatever I was Netflix binging on, but still–it was obvious that this wasn’t gonna be a one-night stand.

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We went strong for about a year. In that time, I wrote, wrote, wrote (and deleted, deleted, deleted) and even tried some things I previously thought were off limits for this relationship.

And then one day there was nothing. I had told all the funny or otherwise interesting stories I could remember, shared all my nuggets of wisdom (of which there were few). I looked for help on making the relationship hot again, but that didn’t help as much as I’d hoped.

So here we are.

I know some of y’all have been struggling with blog post ideas like I have. I’m sure that as we get into the holidays and are exposed to crazy relatives, go to parties, etc. that those ideas will be flowing again.

Until then, I’m going to ask for three things you’d like to see me blog about.

Wait, I’m being too greedy? Especially when you’re struggling to come up with one idea for yourself? Fine, then comment with the one thing you’d like to see me blog about. And if I get enough tips, maybe I’ll write my own post called “101 9 Post Ideas To Make Your Blog FLAMING Hot, Bitches!”

*FYI: If you don’t give me a legit suggestion, I just might host a roast in your honor. See how you like that.

**This post is meant in fun.

***I could have made a lot of sexual euphemisms in this post, but chose not to. I like to class things up once in a while.

Whew, another post down, even if this is sorta cheating again.

Making This Blog Hot

You know you’re in dire straits when you have to google “blog post ideas.”

I’ve tried, tried, tried to come up with a post for today, but everything I’ve written has either been garbage or there wasn’t enough substance to make a full post. So to Google I went. As luck would have it, I came across a website with an article called 101 Blog Post Ideas That Will Make Your Blog “Hot.” 

Hell yes. Hotness is just what this blog has been lacking.

I scrolled through the list and came across some interesting things, like Host a giveaway. Interesting, but what the fuck would I give away? Lord of the Rings toys? Dirty diapers? The right to name my next child (even though a third child isn’t happening)?

On to another idea. Criticize a website/blog or a person. Oooh, yes, I could have my own Burn Book type post and talk shit about all of my fellow bloggers.

tumblr_mdwkwernis1rla5a5o2_500“Fuck John for not telling me more about his swagger.” Or “To hell with NotAPunkRocker for skipping Christmas cards.” Or maybe “Damn that NerdInTheBrain and her gratitude.”

Eh, maybe not. I’m not a fan of people hating me.

Number 9 is Tell a personal secret. Is there anything I haven’t overshared on already, though? Then there is Bust a myth. Is this kind of like Bust-A-Move? (Fun fact: my husband clued me in on the fact that one of my favorite arcade games shares the same name as a song.) Myth busting seems like it would take more effort than trying to come up with a legit blog post, though. And more than likely, Snopes has already got to it

Number 34 is Start a poll. I’ve never done a poll on this blog before, so there’s no time like the present, right?

That doesn’t really make for much of a post, though, does it? I suppose I could discuss my leg shaving habits in a post of its own and have the poll and all, but I kinda doubt anyone would want to read that.

Directly after that is #35 Write a post about things you regret doing/not doing. Um, no. I’m not trying to add to the depression. Maybe I’ll hit that up in January.

Halfway through the list is #51 Create a blog post about your bad habits – Smoking, alcohol, drugs. Tell them something shocking!

Dafuq? That’s just a little too much enthusiasm for someone else’s struggles, person who created that list! And I’m stopping at that one. I now have something resembling a blog post put together, plus I want to save the other half of this list for tomorrow or another day this month when I can’t come up with much of anything to write.

Looking at numbers 1 through 51 on that list only, which is your favorite? Anything you’re likely to use? Maybe the Publish your CV online suggestion?