[If you are sensitive to four-letter words or generally don’t have a sense of humor, scroll on past.]
Are you the parent of a child who is likely to copy everything you say? Especially the bad things? Because we all know that you really only have to say “shit” once, and they pick up on that right away. But “please”? Gotta do that one at least a hundred times before it sorta sticks.
Are you also the parent of a child who isn’t perfect and constantly finds ways to
drive you batshit insane get in trouble?
If you’re the parent of a little bad word repeater who often drives you to saying bad words and you prefer that your kid doesn’t have the mouth of a sailor like you do, I have a great substitute for you. (You know substitutes…like saying “motherlover” for “motherfucker.”)
You’re killing me, Smalls!
That’s our go-to bad word phrase substitute around the Anxious household. Yep, a line from my and Sam’s favorite movie as kids is what we use when we need to say phrases like “Are you fucking kidding me?!” and “For fuck’s sake!”
Sam uses You’re killing me, Smalls! more frequently than I do (sometimes he shortens it to Smalls!), but that’s because he’s better at filtering his language. I’m a work in progress.
Some scenarios, in case you’re not sure how this works:
Your kid is kicking his damn soccer ball around the house again, even though you’ve told him to take the ball and his butt outside. You know this because you hear it bounce off the wall while you’re feeding the baby. Instead of saying “Is this fucking real life right now?!?!” you can say:
You’re folding clothes while your kid is taking a bath in the bathroom adjacent to the bedroom. While folding that towel in half, you catch the kid perched on the side of the tub preparing to leapfrog in, from the corner of your eye. Instead of saying “Are you out of your g*ddamn mind?! You’ll kill yourself!” you can say:
You see your son, who is about to go into the second grade, snatching a shape that goes into the shape sorter toy from his one-year-old sister. Again. Instead of saying “I’m gonna beat you in the head with that fucking triangle!” you say:
It’s almost bedtime. You’ve told the kid to brush his teeth and get dressed for bed while you wrap up shit. You look at the clock and about ten minutes has passed. You go check on him and instead of being in the bathroom or bedroom, he’s hiding underneath the sofa table with the candy jar. A shit ton of wrappers are beside of him. What do you say then?
Fuck You’re killing me, Smalls! The only one that works here is You’re going to grandma’s!
So, what’s your bad word phrase substitute? I know we can’t be the only parents with potty mouths who want our kids to be out of elementary school before dropping f-bombs. Share away.