Things My Infant Gets Away With That I Can’t

While we were at the Great Wolf Lodge, it dawned on me how much my three-month-old daughter gets away with that would be weird (or cause me to get arrested) if I did them.

We packed an adorable bathing suit for Baby Girl. Unfortunately, when we tried to put the top over her head, it wouldn’t go over. Baby Girl is on the small side, but she got her daddy’s head, which means we have trouble getting it through some shirt holes. As such, she could only wear her bathing suit bottoms.

There she was, kicked back by the pool, wearing nothing but bottoms, when I realized what would happen if I were to do that. At a minimum, I would be ejected from the water park for terrifying the children. And then I started thinking about all the things BG can get away with that I can’t.

Pass gas in public. Holy cow–BG lets ’em rip like a frat boy. And when she does it, people think it’s adorable (assuming it’s obvious and my husband and I aren’t getting blamed again). If I did that? Well, looks of disgust would be in order. And as bad as BG’s gets, someone would probably suggest that I see my doctor.

Sleep everywhere. Yeah, babies sleep a lot, and people think it’s precious (especially if those people are the parents and it happens at night).

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Now, if I were to fall asleep in public? Well, if I had a kid with me people might be slightly understanding (although the majority would ring up DSS). Sans kids and I get “She’s wasted. At two in the afternoon. Call the sheriff and have her thrown in the drunk tank.”

Wear ridiculously comfortable clothing. Have you felt a piece of baby clothing lately? No wonder they can sleep so much (sleeping at the appropriate times may be another matter)–that shit is comfy! Onesies, rompers, one-piece pajamas–all that stuff is much more comfortable than what I wear on a daily basis, and I’m a t-shirt and jeans girl. Since how this would look is obvious, it doesn’t need an explanation as far as public perception goes.

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Crapping themselves. Since this is an anonymous blog (I hope), I don’t mind putting this out there–my husband pooped himself once. Our friends parked half a mile away from the restaurant, and on the way back, his taco burger caught up with him. Watching him run down the boardwalk while clenching his cheeks simultaneously had me in hysterics. And after we finished laughing and caught up with him as he was leaving the bathroom, we noticed a smell. Needless to say, it was time for him to grab a newspaper to sit on in the car and leave. We thought it was funny, but a few others noticed and you’d have thought he was a leper from the way they reacted.

A baby, on the other hand? They get “Ooooh, someone made a stinky!” in an insanely high-pitched voice. I know my husband must be slightly jealous–no one ever smiled at him and asked about his stinky.