Before you scroll past this post with the speediness of a bat exiting The Fire Place, this is not one of those posts. You know, the ones that tell you how to vote, fuss at you for writing in I.P. Freely, or shame you for shamelessly shaming shamers. Nope, nada, no. None of that this time, but the title got your attention, right? Which is good, as long as it didn’t cause scroll fever.
This post is about one of the biggest scams of our times. Before you assume I’m talking about you-know-what after I said I wasn’t, let me show you the bullshit my husband brought home today:
You see that? Seven-point-five ounces. 7. Point. Five. Ounces. Only 90 calories instead of the usual 140. And this six pack costs more than a 12-pack of 12 ounce cans. What the actual fuck?
When I confronted my husband over his failed attempt at soda purchasing, he said he thought he was being helpful. “Well, I know you said you were cutting back on Coke, so I thought this would help.”
Help HELP?! I think not. The only thing it does is guarantee that I’ll drink two. And I’m always trying to scale back my Coke consumption, but not by drinking the shriveled penis version of a can of Coke, which leads me to say —
This is America, and We the People demand the right to rot our teeth with appropriately sized drinks! To rapidly spike our blood sugar! To rise our blood pressure! To feel sluggish and tired and all the other horrors this infographic says Coke can cause! We the People — mainly Anxious Mom, probably — think this can size is only suitable for children*, people with inferiority complexes who want to feel bigger than they really are without going to the Adam & Eve sex store, and for display purposes in a larger-than-average-sized dollhouse. That’s it.
Not sure that was worthy of being called a mic drop moment, but I really wanted to use this gif.
Is there a candidate out there who would make soda distributing great again? Because I’d vote for that guy. As long as s/he bans 7.5 ounce cans of Coke, 16.9 ounce bottles, 12 ounce plastic bottles (let’s limit 12 ounces to aluminum cans, okay?), 16 ounce cans (they’re just wrong), and fountain cups that are smaller than 32 ounces, then we’re good. (I’ll probably go for keeping 8 ounce glass bottles of Coke, as long as there is an agreement that they remain ice cold at all times.)
In summary — Cokes shouldn’t come in all sizes.
Whew. I feel much better now.
*Said children would only be pretending to drink the Coke, obviously.
[I’m pretty sure that there is at least one person who’ll think ‘That bitch, can’t appreciate her own husband for getting her a drink,’ if I don’t include a statement assuring everyone that this post is in jest, but that person will probably get Unappreciated Husband Rage and not even read to the end, so I’ll pass.]