‘A’ is for Annoying

You know how I talk about how funny my kids are? Well, they’re also annoying.

Little Man and I have a constant battle over bathing/showering. He doesn’t wanna do it. He is content to walk around stinking to high heavens, and I’m not content to let him, so…battle.

Last week the boy and I were going through the routine of me telling him it was time to shower and him whining and groaning when I commented that when he gets to middle school, he’ll really want to keep up appearances. (Maybe not sixth grade, but I’m pretty sure that most seventh and eighth grade boys start caring.) “This means you have to CLEAN YOURSELF regularly.”

And then I thought that maybe I was sending the wrong message when I mentioned keeping up appearances. Obviously I didn’t mean you have to look like Brad Pitt, but who knows how a kid will take things. Anyway, I tried to clear this up and then asked who was the best looking celebrity he knows (I was going to make the point that he didn’t have to look like XYZ, just to be clean). He thought about this for a moment and answered:

“Harrison Ford.”

My husband and I laughed, and then I commented on how Harrison Ford was pretty good looking back in the day.

“No, not back in the day. He was really good looking in Episode VII, too!” Little Man said.

And then our jaws dropped. Yeah, Harrison Ford is still nice looking, but that’s so not where I expected the 10-year-old to go. My husband later mentioned that we’d better keep him away from the nursing home when he starts going through puberty.

That wasn’t the only time LM has been annoying when it comes to the bath stuff this week. Today I told him to take a bath so we could get dressed up nicely and go out to lunch.

He whined, of course, and said, “It’s Easter!”

As far as I know, holidays like Easter are all the more reason to take a bath, not get out of taking one. So, I asked him, “What about Jesus’ resurrection says you don’t need to take a bath?”

Little Man: “Well, dead people smell!”

Damn, kid.

(He took a bath.)

__________________________

I’m doing the A to Z Challenge on the other blog, and I’m going to attempt to half-ass do it on this blog. (Now’s the time to place your bets on how many days I do.) There won’t be a theme, just a bunch of randomness.

Advertisements

Surgery Went Well

Everything went well during surgery today! No facial paralysis from a nerve being cut, doesn’t appear to be any issues with some nerve connected to taste being cut, AND I can faintly hear music out of the implanted ear with my other ear plugged — that’s a great indicator that at least not all of the residual hearing was lost! I’m also not wobbly or dizzy. The implant area hurts, but that’s to be expected. Next week I get the stitches removed and then the implant will be activated in a month.

Funny:

My husband said when the surgeon came out to give him an update, he said, “We were able to fully insert the canal.”

That’s what she said!

The people who do the implant kept telling me how I’d come in “to be turned on.”

Y’all implant people need to choose better phrasing, because I can only do that “mature 34-year-old woman” thing for so many seconds.

That’s what she said!

Also funny:

When my husband brought the kids home, Baby Girl ran in and wanted to know how Google Home was doing. This child was rather upset about me having surgery, but she didn’t say a word about it when she came in. She is low-key obsessed with Google Home (she is convinced a tiny woman lives in it) and that trumps mama. Boo!

Thanks to everyone for the positive thoughts! ❤

It’s The Zombie Apocalypse, Charlie Brown!

(For the record, this post has nothing to do with Charlie Brown. But it does have something to do with Christmas, and anything related to Christmas — or Halloween — is fair game for a It’s ____, Charlie Brown title. Now you know.)

I’m not usually very good at Pinterest stuff. Occasionally I have wins, but most of them turn out like the dollhouse (hint — mine is on the right).

screenshot-2016-12-09-at-1-11-32-am

My husband was online a couple days ago and saw a recipe for Rudolph pancakes. He got all excited about them and made them last night. When he finished, he asked to borrow my phone to take a picture of the pancakes. I was busy at the moment, but quickly became unbusy after he handed over the phone and I saw his Rudolph.

Here it is:

His is also on the right.

As some of y’all can imagine, I could not stop laughing. I spent the better part of two hours getting fits of giggles over those things. “Rabid” and “zombie reindeer that will eat Baby Girl” were a couple of terms people used to describe it after I shared it everywhere. (So a few of y’all are possibly seeing this for a third time now.)

To add to the funny, Sam didn’t get why I was laughing at first. Neither did Little Man, not until I pulled up a picture to remind Sam and show LM what the pancakes were supposed to look like. And then we all howled with laughter, except for Baby Girl, who didn’t give a crap because she had chocolate chips and high fructose corn syrup in front of her for supper. (Coincidentally, it took her a solid 2.5 hours to go to sleep last night. I’m guessing part of that was karma getting at me for laughing so much.)

In case you want to make the Rudolphs and not have them look all sinister, it may help knowing that Sam blamed it on having purchased the wrong canned whip. He bought Cool Whip in a can over Redi-Whip. Sam thinks that had the Cool Whip not melted as quickly, that his Rudolphs would’ve looked perfect. I didn’t say a word.

Have you ever made food that turned out looking like something that would suck out your soul?

J is for J4F

Ready to have a little fun?

Screen Shot 2016-04-12 at 11.59.32 AM

Have you always wondered what your superhero name should be? Of course you have; after all, you can’t fantasize about joining the X-Man as your regular ol’ self (unless your regular ol’ self is pretty badass, anyway). My superhero name is Aqua Brain, which might just be the shittiest superhero name ever, unless your initials are GQ, in which case you’d sound like the crappy knockoff toy for Iron Man that you find at the flea market.

tumblr_n4jplfqxcO1tsqm1oo1_1280

If you didn’t think finding your superhero name was fun, maybe you’ll enjoy finding your porn name. Mine is Dirty Tickler. Eh, don’t think I’ll be asking Sam to refer to me as that in the bedroom since it kinda sounds like a perverted McDonald’s character.

find-your-porn-name

First there was Treat Yourself, and now there is Trump Yo’Self! No, this isn’t other words for telling someone to go fuck yourself. It’s an app you can use to see how you’d look if you had The Trump’s hair.

Okay, so Baby Girl looks pretty much the same. LM’s face is too sweet for this.

I think that’s enough fun for a Tuesday. Feel free to share your names/Trumpified pic in the comments.

Alternative meanings: None, but you can just JFF to mean the same thing.

Textspeak I passed up: J/K (just kidding), JW (just wondering), JTLYK (just to let you know), and JFGI (just fucking Google it).

What do you like to do J4F?

G is for GMV

Don’t you just love election time? It’s always lovely to see a group of servants work their hardest at promoting their qualities that would keep our country moving in a progressive direction. Or something like that.

Today’s textspeak can be used when discussing politics with your friends:

Screen Shot 2016-04-08 at 1.21.33 AMBefore you think this post is gonna be all about Feeling the Bern —

200

It’s not (but, yeah, he’s GMV). It’s also not going to be about how shitty the other candidates are. Instead, I’m gonna do something a little more fun.

Do you ever ask yourself who you’d appoint to help you run things if you became Queen of the World? Or President? No? Well, if you aren’t regularly sizing up your friends based on the GMV factor, then you’re doing things wrong.

As you’ve probably gleaned by now, I’ve created my own little government of sorts, and I can promise you it’s full of people who would make the contenders in the U.S. primaries look like weak little shits. This government’s purpose is to rule over the blogosphere. There will be no promises of making the blogging community great again, but we’ll do things. The things we do may or may not be helpful, but they’ll be funny. And if you don’t think they’re funny, then we can probably arrange for a virtual wall to be built on your dime to keep you away.

Without further ado, I give you the people who GMV for the little dictatorship that’s going to rock the blogging world. If your name isn’t up here, then I guess you should have done a little better on the bribery end of things. Screen Shot 2016-04-08 at 10.54.28 AM

The President – Obviously that’s me. My qualities include being great at delegating any and all responsibilities and avoiding conflict. The most scandalous thing you’ll see during my time in office is that I far too often shirk my responsibilities for a Netflix binge. One day it will be revealed that Little Man was really the brains behind this operation.

The Vice President – Watch out for John — they don’t call him John the Basterd for no reason, after all. He’s ruthless, and is known for his ability to reduce a person to a quivering pile of goo with his sharp tongue, which makes him a great enforcer for this government. If anyone gets shot while hunting with John, you can pretty much guarantee that it wasn’t an accident.

The Assistant – (Okay, “Assistant” is kind of a sucky title, but blame the graphic I stole.) Meet Laura, the Assistant aka my Foul Language Czar. You’ve probably noticed that four-letter words are a thing on my slice of blog heaven, and Laura will make sure that continues. Not only that, but she’ll make sure that we stay up to date with cursing trends. We’re pretty sure her little guy is the one starting these trends, but either way, no one will accuse this government of not being with the times.

The Prime Minister – Remember all the shirking of the responsibilities? Well, someone has to keep shit afloat, and it’s Eric. No matter how much has has on his plate, he gets the job done, partly because he ignores child labor laws and enlists the help of his sons Crash and Bang, partly because he’s just that good.

The Opposition – You’re probably thinking that Joey would have made a great #2, and that’s true. She was all set for that spot until my research team uncovered her devious plan to remove me from the throne. Some people prefer a good old fashioned assassination, but her plan was to force me to listen to audio readings of the 50 Shades series until I went nuts. She’s now engaging in a mudslinging campaign to bring us all down. Watch out for her.

Thanks for being willing participants, y’all 🙂

Alternative meanings: None, unless you want to create your own textspeak acronym.

Textspeak I passed up: G2G (got to go), GI (google it), GMAB (give me a break), GNOC (get naked on cam), GILF (grandmother I’d like to fuck), and GOB (game on bitches).

Who would you say GMV for your blogging government?