‘A’ is for Annoying

You know how I talk about how funny my kids are? Well, they’re also annoying.

Little Man and I have a constant battle over bathing/showering. He doesn’t wanna do it. He is content to walk around stinking to high heavens, and I’m not content to let him, so…battle.

Last week the boy and I were going through the routine of me telling him it was time to shower and him whining and groaning when I commented that when he gets to middle school, he’ll really want to keep up appearances. (Maybe not sixth grade, but I’m pretty sure that most seventh and eighth grade boys start caring.) “This means you have to CLEAN YOURSELF regularly.”

And then I thought that maybe I was sending the wrong message when I mentioned keeping up appearances. Obviously I didn’t mean you have to look like Brad Pitt, but who knows how a kid will take things. Anyway, I tried to clear this up and then asked who was the best looking celebrity he knows (I was going to make the point that he didn’t have to look like XYZ, just to be clean). He thought about this for a moment and answered:

“Harrison Ford.”

My husband and I laughed, and then I commented on how Harrison Ford was pretty good looking back in the day.

“No, not back in the day. He was really good looking in Episode VII, too!” Little Man said.

And then our jaws dropped. Yeah, Harrison Ford is still nice looking, but that’s so not where I expected the 10-year-old to go. My husband later mentioned that we’d better keep him away from the nursing home when he starts going through puberty.

That wasn’t the only time LM has been annoying when it comes to the bath stuff this week. Today I told him to take a bath so we could get dressed up nicely and go out to lunch.

He whined, of course, and said, “It’s Easter!”

As far as I know, holidays like Easter are all the more reason to take a bath, not get out of taking one. So, I asked him, “What about Jesus’ resurrection says you don’t need to take a bath?”

Little Man: “Well, dead people smell!”

Damn, kid.

(He took a bath.)

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I’m doing the A to Z Challenge on the other blog, and I’m going to attempt to half-ass do it on this blog. (Now’s the time to place your bets on how many days I do.) There won’t be a theme, just a bunch of randomness.

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Surgery Went Well

Everything went well during surgery today! No facial paralysis from a nerve being cut, doesn’t appear to be any issues with some nerve connected to taste being cut, AND I can faintly hear music out of the implanted ear with my other ear plugged — that’s a great indicator that at least not all of the residual hearing was lost! I’m also not wobbly or dizzy. The implant area hurts, but that’s to be expected. Next week I get the stitches removed and then the implant will be activated in a month.

Funny:

My husband said when the surgeon came out to give him an update, he said, “We were able to fully insert the canal.”

That’s what she said!

The people who do the implant kept telling me how I’d come in “to be turned on.”

Y’all implant people need to choose better phrasing, because I can only do that “mature 34-year-old woman” thing for so many seconds.

That’s what she said!

Also funny:

When my husband brought the kids home, Baby Girl ran in and wanted to know how Google Home was doing. This child was rather upset about me having surgery, but she didn’t say a word about it when she came in. She is low-key obsessed with Google Home (she is convinced a tiny woman lives in it) and that trumps mama. Boo!

Thanks to everyone for the positive thoughts! ❤

Old People and Technology

This has been sitting in my drafts folder for months — time to let it see the light of day.

My mother-in-law got a new car. She is really not tech savvy. I routinely have to fix her computer, her tablet, and her phone. Had to fix Facebook for her once after she accidentally set her posts private for a year and was pissed over lack of comments, and then there was the time she straight up thought Obi Wan Kenobi was Jesus on Facebook. As most of y’all probably know, many (maybe all, I dunno) new cars have infotainment systems. And guess what’s required to use this system? A basic understanding of technology!

The struggle has been real for my in-laws because of this. We were getting call after call asking about syncing, music, bluetooth, contacts, Google Voice, where Siri went (which is strange, because my MIL has never owned an iPhone or iPad that had Siri), and On-Star. I know there’s a learning curve on this stuff, and despite my teasing, I mostly don’t mind helping. (And as much as I like to joke about older people and technology, I have to ask for help on some pretty basic cooking things, so it evens out.)

Mother-in-law approached me a month or two ago to ask about the possibility of legal trouble regarding their new car. After complaining about it for a few minutes, she told me that she was worried they were going to get arrested because her husband cussed out the virtual advisor. He asked for directions, it didn’t understand him and it gave him some random answer. After that happened a few times, he let loose.

“Could he go to jail for that?” she asked me.

I can usually keep a straight face with her, but this time I couldn’t. The thought of cussing out On-Star’s version of Siri is was humorous enough, but getting arrested for it? I about pissed my pants.  I assured her that no one was monitoring those interactions (I don’t need to expose her to my paranoid brain) and that no laws had been broken.

I thought that was the end of it until I talked to her grandkids this past weekend and one of them mentioned her calling all four of them — recently, too — and asking if they were going to get arrested over this. Holy shit.

It’s The Zombie Apocalypse, Charlie Brown!

(For the record, this post has nothing to do with Charlie Brown. But it does have something to do with Christmas, and anything related to Christmas — or Halloween — is fair game for a It’s ____, Charlie Brown title. Now you know.)

I’m not usually very good at Pinterest stuff. Occasionally I have wins, but most of them turn out like the dollhouse (hint — mine is on the right).

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My husband was online a couple days ago and saw a recipe for Rudolph pancakes. He got all excited about them and made them last night. When he finished, he asked to borrow my phone to take a picture of the pancakes. I was busy at the moment, but quickly became unbusy after he handed over the phone and I saw his Rudolph.

Here it is:

His is also on the right.

As some of y’all can imagine, I could not stop laughing. I spent the better part of two hours getting fits of giggles over those things. “Rabid” and “zombie reindeer that will eat Baby Girl” were a couple of terms people used to describe it after I shared it everywhere. (So a few of y’all are possibly seeing this for a third time now.)

To add to the funny, Sam didn’t get why I was laughing at first. Neither did Little Man, not until I pulled up a picture to remind Sam and show LM what the pancakes were supposed to look like. And then we all howled with laughter, except for Baby Girl, who didn’t give a crap because she had chocolate chips and high fructose corn syrup in front of her for supper. (Coincidentally, it took her a solid 2.5 hours to go to sleep last night. I’m guessing part of that was karma getting at me for laughing so much.)

In case you want to make the Rudolphs and not have them look all sinister, it may help knowing that Sam blamed it on having purchased the wrong canned whip. He bought Cool Whip in a can over Redi-Whip. Sam thinks that had the Cool Whip not melted as quickly, that his Rudolphs would’ve looked perfect. I didn’t say a word.

Have you ever made food that turned out looking like something that would suck out your soul?

Hooray For Doughnut Holes

I’m going back to the grocery store topic again today.

Sometimes Sam does the grocery shopping and takes the kids with him, which is nice. I get “free time,” which really means I catch up on folding clothes mountain, clean out the fridge, and spend a few minutes (maybe more) visiting the blog world. I used to admire the man for taking both kids shopping. Taking both kids anywhere increases my anxiety quite a bit, especially when we’re running an errand and my focus can’t be solely on them, but Sam has always acted like it’s a piece of cake.

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Little Man and I do just fine shopping when he isn’t hiding under clothes racks to intentionally scare me. Baby Girl and I don’t always do just fine together. There’s always the risk of her having an epic tantrum that’s so bad that I’ll have to leave everything behind while doing the Mom Walk of Shame to the car. You might think that taking both kids shopping would make things easier — since LM could help with BG since he’s a few years older — but you’d be wrong. They often get on great together, but, as siblings do (apparently no matter how much age difference there is), they sometimes aggravate each other to the point of making the other explode. Maybe it’ll be BG flailing around in the cart like an octopus crying because Little Man “shared” her toy. (By “share,” I mean that LM decides to teach BG about sharing by taking her stuff. Sigh.) Or it might be LM huffing and puffing up a storm because BG cuffed him in the head for some reason. You get the picture.

With that in mind, you’d think that Sam wouldn’t be so quick to volunteer. Who wants to put themselves on the parenting front lines when they don’t have to, amirite?

Lest you think he’s SuperDad, I found out his secret. A few weeks ago, we all went out one Saturday to get some groceries. Usually I’m the one pushing the cart and barking out orders, but that time I was being a terrible mother, who was preoccupied with catching certain little monsters doing something on my phone and let him take the lead, and I learned the secret behind his “it ain’t no thing” attitude.

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For starters, Sam put both of the kids in the cart. He didn’t put BG in the seat where she can be safely strapped in, either, but put both of them in the big area. I nearly had a heart attack. (“It’s okay, she likes it…I’m watching her!” he told me.) BG was dancing and squealing while holding onto the side of the cart while LM encouraged her before I insisted on moving her to the seat. Then, Sam grabbed a handful of cookies from the sample box and handed them to the kids to feast on. After that he beelined to the toy section and gave BG a couple of toys to “look at” (which he had no intention of purchasing). And then he started checking stuff off the list, with no problem, except for when BG tried to open the cereal (which Sam helped her finish so she could eat it, too).

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He violated all of my uptight grocery shopping rules. We don’t put monkey toddlers who can bust their heads open in the cart without being strapped in. We don’t take more than our fair share of sample items. We don’t let them take toys we aren’t purchasing and put their grimy little hands all over them. We don’t let them open food in the store.

Oh wait, I don’t.

(I also don’t have to worry about — as I found out — having to “pay back” the store for a doughnut Sam gave Baby Girl out of the case and forgot to pay for last time. Another time it was a banana, he told me.)

Now that I know his secrets, I don’t feel like he has the upper hand with the parenting stuff as much. (Not that it’s a competition, but ya know…) When Baby Girl started sobbing because there were no sample cookies while shopping on Monday, I opened a package of food in the store for the first time ever to keep the peace. Plus one for crappy store doughnut holes, which no one would touch later. And, yes, we paid for them. No petty thefts for the toddler on my end. 😉