It’s Time For Another All Over The Place Post

Ready to tune in to the Anxious Mom Blabs On And On story hour? You’re probably wondering, “How is this any different from normal?” It’s really not, but you know how I am on liking slightly funny opening paragraphs before I launch into all my stuff. Maybe you don’t find this slightly funny at all, but if not, boo on you, as my sister used to say (and that definitely works for this, because Halloween).

First and foremost, Happy Halloween! And if you don’t celebrate Halloween or think that it’s the devil’s holiday or something, then Happy Almost November!

Remember how everyone in my house was sick? Now, just in time to go out and get loads and loads of sugary substances, my kids are feeling much better. No more leaky faucet noses (and, btw, it really sucks when your toddler smushes her leaky faucet nose in your face, even if it is for a kiss), no more fevers, no more sounding like lungs are being coughed up.

Last night we took the kids around to trick or treat at the grandparents and to my best friend’s house. Their bags are already full, no joke. At my dad’s house, despite giving them lunch sacks full of candy, my dad broke out the candy jar to give them even more. We don’t even need to go tonight, but we will, and then they’ll refill their bags. Hello, sugar comas!

Also, on Halloween, Sam and I went to my friend’s Halloween party this weekend. I pulled off my Washed Up Wonder Woman costume quite well, and Sam went as Forrest Gump. The party was great with no fights, gunshots, firecracker injuries, or torn MCLs this time. Success!

Now for my next blabbing on and on topic — Little Man. The kiddo is still killing it in soccer this season. Their team is now 0-7-2 — that’s right, they’ve added in two ties since the last time I mentioned soccer. One of them should’ve been a win, but the ref missed something really important that led to a goal. The kids were happy not to lose, though. LM has really stood out this season, to the point that other coaches have come up talking to us after the game about how “phenomenal” he is. This makes LM feel so good! He promised he wouldn’t get cocky, though.

Out of all the good stuff, there was one bad thing. I had a bit of a meltdown on Saturday. Shortly before we dropped the kids off at the grandparents on Saturday, LM asked to get on my computer and play a game. I told him he could and he showed me the “cool game” he plays at school.

Y’all. This game was called Party Hard and the goal was to go into a house where people were drinking and passed out and murder as many as possible and evade the police. He is EIGHT. Apparently he plays it at the computer lab at school during downtime. I freaked out and told him not to play that, and talked about why that was inappropriate for him. After he left, I got on the website to see what other games were on there. Mixed in with kid friendly games were games where you worked as a stripper and increased certain assets to earn more money from clients, more killing games, a bartender game, lots of gory games, and a game where you tried to commit suicide in five minutes or less.

Cue a panic attack. The suicide game sent me over the edge. You hear more and more about young kids killing themselves these days, add that in with my family history of depression/bipolar, knowing that my depression has had me thinking that way before, something that makes suicide into being fun/a game being available to a young kid with anxiety issues, and, well, damn. I had to take an anxiety pill to calm down.

My husband talked to the principal today and told him all about it, and he was appalled. The school uses the same filtering software as the district, and he couldn’t believe something like that would get by. He said he’d take it to the district and talk to the teachers in the lab to make them aware. I wanted my husband to find out why multiple kids were able to access this site multiple times and not be noticed by the lab person and why their histories weren’t reviewed regularly (a game with that title should stand out, you’d think), but he forgot to ask. The principal said he’d be following up with us, so maybe we’ll get more information then and talk to them about changing how they’re monitoring this stuff. I adore the teacher he has this year, but between a sub locking LM out (and the woman wasn’t allowed back at that school) and this, I’m getting close to wanting to transfer him out.

(Maybe I should’ve made that a post on its own, since I kinda got away from the lighthearted beginning. But whatever. And while I’m on the topic of depression and suicide, please check out my friend Matty’s new series. On his blog Confessions, he’s asking for guests posts from people who have experience in that department to share their stories and give hope to others who are in that place. You can check out his post here and get his contact info if you want to participate.)

I think that’ll be a wrap for my blabby, all over the place post.


Things Kids Say Thursday: Conflict Resolution

It’s been a week since my last post, which was also a Things Kids Say post. Don’t worry — it’s not that I’ve run out of anything to post about other than things my kids say (although I could probably run a blog solely off that). Everybody’s been sick in my house (nothing major, just nasty colds). Again. I’m so over these school germs the kids are bringing home, and we’re only a couple months into the school year.



Now that I have the explanation for my lack of posting out of the way, on to one of the funny things my kids said.

I’ve probably mentioned how much we like The Office in this household (or have referenced the show in some way) as many times as I’ve mentioned That Band Who Shall Remain Nameless. Little Man is a fan, too, because he’s awesome like that.

Last week, Little Man came home from school complaining about having a bad day in his GT program (which is in the same building at his regular school). I was concerned and asked what happened.

“The teacher said no more Pokemon. Can you believe that? No more cards, nothing at all with Pokemon on it.”

“How come?”

“Because the principal said it’s banned. He said too many parents were calling about cards going missing or getting taken or bad trades, and instead of just saying, ‘Hey, y’all, stop calling me,’ he decided to ban Pokemon. Forever.”

“Hmm. That makes sense. He runs your school and the GT program, so he probably doesn’t have a lot of time to spend on Pokemon cards,” I told him.

Little Man sighed. “Do you think we could do Michael Scott’s conflict resolution with them so we can all be happy?”

If you aren’t familiar with The Office, or haven’t watched each episode a dozen times, he’s referencing an episode where manager Michael Scott decided to resolve conflicts in the office in what he thought was a more effective manner than what his HR guy was doing.

I guess LM missed the part where Michael’s style of resolving conflicts only made things worse.

I held back my laughter. “Are you suggesting that maybe we take a picture of a Pokemon card, put it on a shirt, and have your principal wear it? That way he gets what he wants and you guys still get to see something with Pokemon on it. Win-win-win.”

He wasn’t amused.


So, what’s up in your world? Anything funny you want to share?

Religious Sweet Creams

Last night, my husband and I were talking about Halloween. More specifically, we were talking about candy. I want the good stuff, and he wants whatever is cheapest. He’s like whatever the step up from Ebeneezer Scrooge would be, but for Halloween.

Even if I haven’t always gotten into dressing up for Halloween or decorating for Halloween, I’ve always looked forward to handing out candy to kids. We would only get like two or three trick-or-treaters where I lived at growing up (rural area and all), and those were usually relatives. So now that I live in the only neighborhood in the same rural area, I like to enjoy the handing out of the candy. And I don’t want to give out crappy candy that gets thrown away immediately after kids sort through it all. I also don’t like the idea that someone might come back and TP our yard if we give them a single tiny Tootsie Roll, as Ebeneezer Sam might if I were to leave him in control of the candy. It’s only one night per year and it’s fun! Clearly it’s not a time to go in miser mode. (Nor are the next two months.)

“Get out your computer and see what kind of deals we can get on bulk candy for Halloween,” he instructed me last night. He figured that if Imitation Chocolate Substance With Possible Traces of Plastic wasn’t going to cut it with me, that we could at least buy the ton that we need online and possibly save money over what we’d pay at the store.

I did my search and found this:


This candy mix is perfect for your church Halloween party! Trunk-or-Treaters love the included Bible Verse Buttermints, Faith Jelly Bean Treat Packets, Tangy Tarts Scripture Candy, Cross-Shaped Swirl Pops, Religious Fish Candy Treat Packets, Carried by the Lord Gummy Fun Packs, Religious Sweet Creams, God Loves Us All Printed Suckers, Tootsie Rolls® and Wonka™ Mix-Ups®. (200 pcs. per unit, 3 lbs.) Assortment may vary.

I laughed so hard while reading this description that I had tears running down my face. I’m a Christian, but absurd stuff like that kills me. I’ll ignore the need for religious themed candy and just ask who the heck came up with those names? “Sweet cream”? “Tangy Tarts”? This sounds like the stuff they’d be handing out after the Hell House tour.

It wasn’t a terrible price, but did lack the Good Candy requirement, so I passed. I’ll probably pick up a dozen bags of whatever good stuff is on sale next week when I’m out by myself. If one of the bags is something he loves, he might just study over the receipt in silence and not even complain. Wouldn’t it be nice?


While I’m sort of on the subject of religion, I saw something even more eyebrow raising yesterday evening.

On the way home from retrieving our pizza from Papa John’s, I saw some people standing by the road — almost in it — waving in such a way that it looked like they were trying to flag someone down. Thinking they needed help, I slowed down a bit to check things out, figuring that I’d turn around if it looked like something I could help with, or call 911.

I didn’t turn around.

The people were standing next to a white kidnapper-style van with no windows that had a huge sign that said, “Prayer Drive Thru.”


I don’t care who or what you believe in, that’s just creepy.

(I found out later that they were using it as a method of advertising for their church, in case you were concerned, as Sam was, that maybe something fishy was going on. There are better ways of doing this, y’all, that doesn’t Killer Clown level creep folks out. Just saying.)

Halloween Party: Kissing, A Sword Fight, And Nelly

Today I woke up feeling absolutely hung over.

My head hurt. I felt nauseous. I could feel the bile rising up my throat. I had no appetite. (Who would with nausea and bile, amirite?)

As I opened the bottle of ibuprofren and shook out four tablets in my hand and tried to clear my head, I thought, “God, what the hell did I do last night?”

Well, let’s see.

I brought the jello shots pictured below. And then there was the jar of apple pie moonshine. 
You’re probably thinking, “Fuck, E, you’re a lush.”


Nope. I had a headache on and off most of yesterday and didn’t eat anything all day or much the day before. I thought I’d eat at the party, but picky people should never depend on there being party food that they’ll actually consume.

As such, I wasn’t in a partying mood.

With a few exceptions, the party was fun. My brother hosted it, so I knew most of the people there. And I met a new person/spirit animal, who awkwardly shook the hand of someone who was leaving as the person went in for a hug. After the person left, she commented on how she isn’t a hugger and doesn’t like people in her space. I let her know I didn’t find that weird at all.

I got the short end of the touchy-feely stick though. I was kissed by three people who weren’t my husband. Apparently making me feel uncomfortable as possible was one of the party games. angry-ronswanson2

The most interesting part of the night occurred when two very drunk people decided to have a sword fight. One person had a sword as part of his costume and the other had a sword in the trunk of his car. (Between this and one guy geeking over my tats, you’d be correct in assuming that the dork was strong with this party.)

Drunk people should never sword fight. The danger wasn’t so much them cutting themselves or each other (it was like watching something happen in slow motion and the swords weren’t sharp) as it was someone stumbling off the end of the sidewalk and hitting his head.

No one ended up in the ER, but I would have had the end of one of the swords been very sharp. One sword owner brought his sword in the house and accidentally shoved it in my thigh (hard enough to leave a bruise) when he stood up from his spot on the floor. It would have majorly sucked if I had to go to the ER for stitches for that. And, as I’m typing this, I realize it would have been my third major party injury. Praise the party gods for sparing me!

Towards the end of the party, a girl got excited over a song that was playing and said, “Don’t you just love Nelly? HE’S AWESOME!”

I told her I couldn’t really hear the song outside of knowing that something was playing, since I couldn’t hear well (something I mentioned while talking to her earlier, which would make the therapist pleased), but that I had never listened to Nelly anyway.

She look at me like I had just said I had a terminal illness and would be dying in the next few weeks.

“Oh my God. That’s the worst thing ever. I would kill myself if I didn’t listen to Nelly. I can’t even imagine how awful that must be to miss out on someone like Nelly.”

That’s some serious Nelly love.

Did you have a fun Halloween weekend? 

It’s Time For Hell House

If you live in a conservative community like I do, you’ve probably seen a handful of churches advertising these attractions you can visit from mid to late October, where you go inside a decorated place to get a fright.

No, these attractions aren’t haunted houses–they’re called Hell Houses, and they’re “designed to save your soul.” They have absolutely nothing to do with Halloween fun, since celebrating Halloween is a sin.

Never been to a Hell House? Lucky you! I’ll describe the one I visited with my Dad when I was a teenager (we went just to check it out, not to divert my soul from going to Hell), that way if you happen to see one advertised, you won’t mistakenly think you’re going to partake in Halloween fun when you’re not.


You’ll go in several rooms where you’ll witness “actors” (mostly middle school to high school age kids) portraying people who never accepted Jesus, like the atheists and folks from other religions, or people who have participated in a variety of other sins, but are too far gone to be redeemed. You might see drunk people, people who have had premarital sex (they’ll be under the sheets and much will be made of the lack of wedding bands!), had abortions (don’t fucking ask for the details of this), got divorced, are gay, gamble, watch porn, murdered someone, or otherwise engaged in activities that didn’t glorify God.

After seeing all this sinfulness, you get to a room that is actually Hell (as no Hell House worth its salt would be without it), which is complete with a fog machine, red lights, and a dude dressed something like this:


Darth Maul, that you bro?

And guess who else is in Hell? Almost all of the sinners mentioned above (the people in the last room scurry in to take their place in Hell a little late). They’re on the ground writhing in agony, begging God to forgive them, and screaming about how they wish they’d never had that abortion, had that drink, or killed that person.

But, wait! It isn’t too late for you!

After watching the sins and checking out people suffering in Hell, you get to a room that has white sheets draped everywhere. There’s canned harp music, candles, angels dressed in white sweatpants and sweatshirts, and, of course, Jesus. Jesus has the white robe, long blonde hair, a patchy goatee, and is inviting everyone in there not to make the same mistakes the folks in Hell made.

After fake Jesus gives his speech, the pastor comes out. Cheesy pop Christian music starts playing, and the pastor invites everyone to accept the Lord. If you accept or have already accepted and want to renew your relationship, you get down on your knees and pray (and you damn well better pick one, otherwise the show won’t get on the road). And, on the way out, you’ll be offered a bulletin so you’ll know when church services are and will be told to feel free to make a donation (on top of the $12 admission), if your heart was moved by what you saw (in other words, your ass belongs with the sinners on the carpeted floor of Hell if you don’t cough up some change).

Sound like fun?

[I’ll go ahead and apologize if this post offends anyone, but this type of thing offends me, so I guess we’re even.]