10 Reasons Why I’m Going to Suck At Raising a Girl

I came across a blog post on Scary Mommy today called 10 Reasons Why I’m Going to Suck at Raising a Girl. Let’s just say that this article spoke to me. When I first found out I was having a girl, I was terrified. Not that I have anything against girls, of course, but because I suck at girly stuff. It scared me to think that I might mess her up somehow because of this.

The writer of the post mentioned things such “I can’t wear high heels,” “I don’t know how to put on makeup,” “I don’t know how to braid,” and “I’m not sure how I feel about Disney princesses.”

That’s me, each and every one. I do have a few things to add to that, though:

  • Nail polish. No, just no. You know how some women complain about the nails painted by the non-dominant hand not looking as good as those painted with the dominant hand? Well, even using my dominant hand, it looks like they were painted by the other hand while it was shitfaced. As such, nail polish and I don’t mix.
  • Doing anything with hair. It’s not just braiding that gets me as far as doing hair goes–it’s everything. Don’t ask me to braid. Don’t ask me to do a cutesy side ponytail. Don’t tell me to put ribbons in it. Please don’t ask me to style hair–even with my best efforts, the end result with my hair looks like a hot mess. I could probably handle this, though:
  • Matching outfits. First, let me just say that I do not like little girl clothes. When I told people I was expecting a girl, a lot of women (who obviously don’t know me very well, despite being connected by DNA) ooohed and aaahed over the endless possibilities of dressing up a little girl. “The pink! The pink! The smocked outfits!” they screeched. It almost made my skin crawl because I don’t find hardly any of it cute. Since I would probably be reported to DSS by a well-intentioned family member for shopping in the boy’s department, I’ve made my best efforts at dressing Baby Girl in feminine, non-pink clothing. That said, when they don’t put outfits together for me in the baby’s department (the shirt/pants combo), lord help. I do blue jeans and t-shirts and now I’m supposed to look through shirts and pants of various colors to find something that matches? And heaven forbid I pair up the wrong shades of green.
  • Girl toys. I keep getting asked when BG will get her first American Girl doll. Um, she’s only four months old. The only thing she is capable doing with said doll is pulling her way-too-expensive hair out. I didn’t do girl toys when I was growing up. I liked superheroes and Ninja Turtles. That’s probably what I’ll do this time around, but outside of Frozen, I think most of the gender-specific toys for girls sucks. But hey, the next time someone asks about that doll, I’m gonna send this picture to freak them out a little:

Screenshot 2014-10-20 at 6.19.02 PM

Even if I do stink it up when it comes to ribbons and crap, I will get a lot of things right–like teaching my daughter how to knock the crap out of a softball and how to love herself for exactly who she is (and if she is a girly girl, then I’ll do my best to learn and go with the flow).