Things Kids Say Thursday: Busted

Like most kids nowadays, Little Man has an iPad Mini that he uses to play games, make videos, and send everyone messages. Usually he’s pretty good about putting it away when I tell him to, even if I do have to hear a bit of groaning about how he had almost beaten a certain level on one of his games. (I’ll refrain from calling bullshit on my own kid for not leveling up only because of his mom.)

So, yeah, he is usually good at putting the tablet away when it’s time. Usually.

One thing our family (minus Baby Girl) likes to do is play the game Clash of Clans. For those of you not in the know, that is a war app available on Apple and Android devices. It’s a lot of fun and insanely addictive — won’t you please join our clan?

Message LM sent my friend in an attempt to recruit her for our clan. His part is in blue.

We are all in the same clan and have fun upgrading our bases and sending each other troops. Little Man has been obsessed with it lately, even more so than I have been, which is really saying something. He’s constantly worried about who is going to attack his base and how much loot will be stolen, but that’s just how it goes in these games.

Anyway, the other night I told him to lay down while I rocked his sister. He gets 15 minutes to read in bed, which has mostly been comic books lately, and then it’s lights out. I put her down and his light was out, so I assumed he was asleep. I messed around for a bit, then pulled up the Clash of Clans game on my phone. I saw that LM had asked a question about our clan going to war, so I responded, figuring he’d see it the next afternoon.

One minute later, I get a notification that someone had posted in the chat box.

It was Little Man responding “Okay” after I told him we didn’t have enough people to go to war. 
“Hey, I just got a message from Little Man,” I told Sam. “But you don’t have his tablet out, do you?”

“No,” Sam said, looking equally confused.

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And then we got it.

“He wouldn’t!” I said to Sam. “He knows better!”

“Looks like he did.”

We dashed to Little Man’s room, where we found him with the covers pulled over his head playing on his tablet.

“Well, guys, I think I have enough troops to attack now,” we were informed upon entering the room. It was like he had no clue that we were going to be less than pleased with him, which made the situation the kind of funny where you can’t laugh in front of the kid, but laugh later.

I sat down on the edge of his bed. “Too bad those troops aren’t gonna get to come out and fight anytime soon, since you decided to take your tablet to bed! You’re supposed to be sleeping!”

He poked his head out from the covers. “Oh, yeah, I forgot.”

“You forgot that you were supposed to go to sleep and not turn on your tablet?” I asked.

LM looked rather sheepish. “Well, sorta. I’m sorry; I won’t do that again.”

“You definitely won’t.” I took the tablet away and kissed him goodnight. On the way out, Little Man called out, “Can you check my clan, yo?”

Kids.

Hopefully LM has now learned his lesson not to chat in the game with his mom when he’s supposed to be sleeping. And I’ve learned to confiscate the tablet before he goes to bed.

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Cannibalism in Would You Rather

My eldest child does not understand the concept of riding in a car and figuring out how to entertain himself, either by coloring books, travel games, reading, or simply thinking. He wants either a screen or his parents to entertain him.

I don’t know where we went wrong, but his refusal to allow us to enjoy adult conversation or listen to music means that we will shun Baby Girl in the car so she learns to entertain herself. That’s right, you boddler (I’ve invented this term for toddlers who still look like babies, since I’m not ready to move on to toddler yet), you’re getting the silent treatment.

Okay, maybe I’m kidding a little. At any rate, the little dude likes to talk constantly. As in always. So, since we feel inclined to interact with him more often than not, sometimes we play car games–I Spy, 20 Questions, Would You Rather.

Let me tell you something–20 Questions fucking sucks. Every time LM asks for that one, I feel my soul die a little. He tends to frequently misunderstand our questions in such a way that we never guess his item and he always wins. Which means he keeps getting to be the person to come up with the item to be guessed. And we are stuck asking question after question after fucking question. That’s his favorite game, too, which he asks for 99% of the time.

So, today on the way to school, we played Would You Rather. We haven’t played this one in a while. Not since earlier this year, when he asked all the morbid questions. I’m not sure why I would’ve thought anything would change this time around, but let’s just say, I was just as disturbed by his questions this time as I was the last.

Little Man’s questions:

Would you rather…

Your grandmother or my dog come back to life?

Have to eat me, Baby Girl, or Daddy?

Me or Baby Girl die?

Be electrocuted by a lightning strike or a power line?

Break your leg getting hit by a car or by falling from a flying eagle?

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No, really. WTF, son? You want to know if I’d be a fucking cannibal and eat my husband and kids? DA FUQ?!

I will admit that I liked the last one. I answered that one with the eagle, of course, because a) I’m pretty sure no one has been dropped by an eagle and broken their leg and b) I think he got inspiration for that from The Lord of the Rings.

Would You Rather makes bringing the tablet along for rides not such a bad idea after all.

It Hurt Like H…The Fire Place

In the midst of the Grey’s Anatomy level drama (per stomperdad, hehe) over the past few days, I’ve almost let a few funny things fall through the cracks.

Almost.

I’ll start with today.

When I picked up the boy from school, he was telling me about his day on the way home. He said that a classmate, named Chris, mentioned kissing his sister on the lips. This counts as ewwwww! in Little Man’s world.

“I asked Chris, ‘So are you guys like Luke and Leia?’ But no one got it.”

I got it and promptly laughed at least two ounces of my ass off.4bfcbded_tumblr_lc3j4eHJc81qe2zszo1_500

In the same conversation, I was also told that his teacher had taken things up a level today. “Last week it was about fun, but now Mrs. R is bringing on the challenges, like you’d find in the Justice League Unlimited game.” This is Generation Z language for “She’s bringing it on like Donkey Kong.”

***

On Saturday night, the three of us went to a place with an arcade and laser tag. Sam and LM player laser tag while I played in the arcade. (Sam accuses me of being too competitive to play laser tag with children and teens, so I decided to rack up on tickets for LM.)

After the laser tag game, LM was telling me how me was the champion and how he accidentally shot his dad. I told him not to worry, because if I had been playing I would have shot them both. Mom of the year, no?

LM said that he wouldn’t shoot his dad again. “Next time, I’ll know to look for the fatter guy and not shoot him. No offense dad, I’m just saying that I won’t shoot the fatter guy because that will be you, and that wouldn’t be nice. No offense, okay?”

“Little Man!” I exclaimed, as I often do (see Archimedes’ Principle).

“What? I said ‘no offense,’ didn’t you hear me?”

“Yes, but that doesn’t mean you can say whatever you want, especially not anything that might hurt someone’s feelings.”

“It doesn’t?” he asked. “I thought it did.”

“No.”

I guess next I’ll have to teach him that “bless your heart” doesn’t excuse everything either.

I also explained that using “fat” as a descriptor can hurt feelings and to stop (he doesn’t attach anything rude to it or mean it in a disrespectful way, but I know that wouldn’t fly elsewhere).

***

Little Man scraped his toe on something and had a small cut. He was showing his Grandma (Sam’s mom) this.

“Did it hurt?” she asked, looking at the little cut.

“Yeah, it hurt like h….the fire place.” At least he stopped himself. That reminded me of the time LM told a kid that Jesus wouldn’t like him and that he was going to the fire place on the playground in kindergarten, after the kid wouldn’t share. He would’ve made a fine Southern Baptist preacher had his heathen mama not pulled him out of church.

***

Also at the arcade place on Saturday night–while the boys were playing laser tag, I played games, as I said. While playing one game, I felt someone watching me. I glanced around and saw a boy about 10 years old watching intensely, as I was crushing the game. It made me very uncomfortable. Several minutes later, he was still watching and two of his friends joined.

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Shortly thereafter, I got up to go play the arcade style basketball game. A couple teenage boys had also just swiped their cards, so we did a head-to-head, and I killed them. My little entourage of tweens cheered me on.

I moved on to the Flappy Bird game after that. That’s my jam. (Because now that I have had an entourage, I am cool enough to call something my “jam.”) I got very high scores on a few games of that and overheard one of my groupies say, “She’s great at everything she plays!!!”

That has to be what it feels like to be a celebrity. At least a D-level celeb, anyway. After that, I sat down to wait on LM and Sam to finish up so I could play Flappy Bird with him, and lemme say, he was not as impressed as those little boys. He was impressed with his tickets, though 😉

God, Please, No More “Would You Rather”

Have you ever played “Would You Rather”?

Just in case you haven’t–you ask someone to pick between two less-than-desirable situations.

For example:

Would you rather never eat chocolate again or give up Netflix? Would you rather eat a worm or let a spider crawl on you?

Little Man has recently learned this game. I’m not sure who taught him, but his “Would You Rather” questions are out there.

LM: Hey Mom, would you rather get electrocuted and die or be hit by a car?
Me: What’s going to happen if I’m hit by a car?
LM: You’re gonna die.
Me: So my choices are to die in one painful manner or another?
LM: Yep! So which is it?

LM: Would you rather fall off a bridge or be struck by lightning?

LM: Would you rather get hit by a train or fall off a mountain?

I tried explaining to him that not all questions have to be so morbid. And painful. So here’s what I get:

LM: Would you rather have all the money in the world or give up one of your kids?
Me: What kind of question is that?
LM: Answer it!
Me: Well, would you rather give up one of your parents or get all the money in the world?
LM: So I could get all the Transformers?
Me: Yep.
LM: Wait. You answer it first.
Me: Neither, I’m not giving up one of my kids!
LM: Not even Baby Girl?
Me: No! Would you give up one of us?
LM: For ALL the Transformers in the world? Uh…no.

I don’t wanna play anymore.