‘D, E, and F’ are for “Drama and Equality, FFS”

Ah, just a few days into the challenge and I am already cheating.

Little Man considers himself a feminist. He’s the first to tell Baby Girl that there aren’t boy or girl toys and she can play with whatever she wants, he is still pissed off over a female Star Wars LEGO figure being sold for significantly cheaper than the male figures, and whenever he hears a kid comment “girls can’t ____,” he’ll chew their asses out.

A sign he made around the beginning of the school year. I can’t remember what prompted him to draw this.

So, yeah, he’s very vigilant when it comes to making sure his female counterparts aren’t getting the short end of the stick or whatever.

He always makes for damn sure that girls aren’t getting by with shit just because they’re girls, too. Little Man went on a tirade earlier this year because a girl at school threatened to hit him and he told her to go ahead and that he’d hit her back. Another boy told him he couldn’t hit a girl even if she does hit him, and this did not sit well with our budding feminist. We live about 20 minutes away from his school, so I got to listen to him rant for 20 minutes. (Listening to 20-minute rants is a common occurrence for me.)

Last week, it was rant-time again. There’s a girl in LM’s class that gets under his skin, and he lost his cool when she snatched something out of his hands while they were cleaning up.

As told by Little Man:

“I told her, ‘Hannah, I have HAD it with you. If you didn’t like how I was organizing the [I can’t remember what the hell they were organizing], then all you had to do was ASK for them.’

She didn’t even answer me, so I told her, ‘You know, you are the most EVIL person I know.’ And then Brandon walked up to me and said, ‘LM, you can’t go around calling girls evil!’ And I told him that she shouldn’t act evil all the time, then. And Brandon told me, ‘But she’s a GIRL! You can’t say bad things about girls, don’t you know that?’

Can you believe that, Mom? He said you can’t say bad things about GIRLS?! I told him, ‘Brandon, haven’t you ever heard of EQUALITY? Boys and girls are EQUAL to each other. So I can say bad things about Hannah just like I can say bad things about you, so stop interfering in my business before I tell you what I think about you, too.

And then Brandon told me, ‘LM, I wasn’t interfering in your business, I was just stepping in to tell you not to call Hannah evil.’ I just had to shake my head, Mom.

Oh my lord, the drama. For fucks sake (FFS, so I get my word in).


‘A’ is for Annoying

You know how I talk about how funny my kids are? Well, they’re also annoying.

Little Man and I have a constant battle over bathing/showering. He doesn’t wanna do it. He is content to walk around stinking to high heavens, and I’m not content to let him, so…battle.

Last week the boy and I were going through the routine of me telling him it was time to shower and him whining and groaning when I commented that when he gets to middle school, he’ll really want to keep up appearances. (Maybe not sixth grade, but I’m pretty sure that most seventh and eighth grade boys start caring.) “This means you have to CLEAN YOURSELF regularly.”

And then I thought that maybe I was sending the wrong message when I mentioned keeping up appearances. Obviously I didn’t mean you have to look like Brad Pitt, but who knows how a kid will take things. Anyway, I tried to clear this up and then asked who was the best looking celebrity he knows (I was going to make the point that he didn’t have to look like XYZ, just to be clean). He thought about this for a moment and answered:

“Harrison Ford.”

My husband and I laughed, and then I commented on how Harrison Ford was pretty good looking back in the day.

“No, not back in the day. He was really good looking in Episode VII, too!” Little Man said.

And then our jaws dropped. Yeah, Harrison Ford is still nice looking, but that’s so not where I expected the 10-year-old to go. My husband later mentioned that we’d better keep him away from the nursing home when he starts going through puberty.

That wasn’t the only time LM has been annoying when it comes to the bath stuff this week. Today I told him to take a bath so we could get dressed up nicely and go out to lunch.

He whined, of course, and said, “It’s Easter!”

As far as I know, holidays like Easter are all the more reason to take a bath, not get out of taking one. So, I asked him, “What about Jesus’ resurrection says you don’t need to take a bath?”

Little Man: “Well, dead people smell!”

Damn, kid.

(He took a bath.)


I’m doing the A to Z Challenge on the other blog, and I’m going to attempt to half-ass do it on this blog. (Now’s the time to place your bets on how many days I do.) There won’t be a theme, just a bunch of randomness.

There’s A New Fairy In Town

I’ve written about how I’m not a fan of Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy in a past post. Despite that, there’s a new fairy (well, two) in town, and it’s one of my own creation.

Before my surgery, I was still rocking Baby Girl to sleep at night. I know, I know — at three she was too old, but she’s so small, and we both loved it…but I wasn’t supposed to pick her up for a few days following surgery, she doesn’t like my husband to rock her, so it was time to make the transition.

She was none too happy about this.

“I not gonna do that!” she told me when I mentioned her lying down in the bed to go to sleep.

I tried talking to her about being a big girl, about reading books and stuff before we go to sleep, how her dad or I will lie down with her, but that didn’t do any good. And then I had an idea.

“If you lie down in your bed, the Big Girl Fairy will come to see you.”

Little Man was listening to the conversation. “The WHAT?”

“The Big Girl Fairy. She’s like the Tooth Fairy, only she comes when little girls do big girl things.” BG knew about the Tooth Fairy from Eli, and she has been very upset over not losing teeth to get a visit, so this was appealing to her.

“Oooh, the Big Girl Fairy?” BG asked. “What she gonna bring?”

“Probably a quarter.”

“Maybe a new PJ Masks toy?”

I shook my head. “The Big Girl Fairy isn’t made out of money. She can’t bring toys every night you do what you’re supposed to do, but she can bring something small, like a quarter. You can save your quarters and buy a treat for yourself later.”

Baby Girl thought about this for a moment. “I really want her to bring me chocolate coins.”

“She can do that!” I said, happy that she was getting on board and not thinking about the fact that would mean candy the first thing in the morning.

“Maybe the Big Girl Fairy can visit me, too?” Little Man asked, grinning.

“She not gonna see you, Little Man, she the Big Girl Fairy, not the Big  Boy Fairy!” Baby Girl informed him.

And so the Big Girl Fairy was born. Baby Girl has been lying down at night with no issue, but she still wants one of us to stay with her until she falls asleep. After about a month, the Big Girl Fairy has stopped visiting for that, though. She now plans to visit if BG goes to bed by herself, plus she visits for trying new foods.

The Big Girl Fairy also has a sister named the Good Girl Fairy. She brings quarters (and only quarters) for behaving and doing chores. For whatever reason, receiving a quarter from the Big Girl Fairy for picking up her toys and helping out is far preferable to receiving a quarter from me.

I am embarrassed that I’ve had to resort to making up fairies to get Baby Girl to do things/transition to things — especially being someone who was like “nah” on Santa at first — but it is what it is. I think it will be easy to phase out the fairies when they’ve served their purpose, though.

Did any of y’all do crazy stuff to get your kids to be more compliant?

Surgery Went Well

Everything went well during surgery today! No facial paralysis from a nerve being cut, doesn’t appear to be any issues with some nerve connected to taste being cut, AND I can faintly hear music out of the implanted ear with my other ear plugged — that’s a great indicator that at least not all of the residual hearing was lost! I’m also not wobbly or dizzy. The implant area hurts, but that’s to be expected. Next week I get the stitches removed and then the implant will be activated in a month.


My husband said when the surgeon came out to give him an update, he said, “We were able to fully insert the canal.”

That’s what she said!

The people who do the implant kept telling me how I’d come in “to be turned on.”

Y’all implant people need to choose better phrasing, because I can only do that “mature 34-year-old woman” thing for so many seconds.

That’s what she said!

Also funny:

When my husband brought the kids home, Baby Girl ran in and wanted to know how Google Home was doing. This child was rather upset about me having surgery, but she didn’t say a word about it when she came in. She is low-key obsessed with Google Home (she is convinced a tiny woman lives in it) and that trumps mama. Boo!

Thanks to everyone for the positive thoughts! ❤

Things Kids Say: Strawberries, Fevers, And More

Yesterday Baby Girl gave me enough material to do a few weeks worth of Things Kids Say. Instead of making you wait for it, though, I’ll post it all today, because I’m cool like that.

While changing Baby Girl’s diaper, she started scratching herself. She’s got a bit of a rash going on. It’d be nice if she were ready to potty train (and she did show interest briefly but has since flat-out refused to go on the toilet), but that’s not where we’re at right now. So, as usual, I instructed her to stop her clawing.

“Baby Girl, don’t scratch at your vulva — it’s already red,” I told her.

“Ooooh, Mommy, do it look like a strawberry?” she asked excitedly. I had to inform her that, no, her vulva did not resemble a strawberry. File that one under “Things I Never Thought I’d Say.”

*      *      *

Little Man is sick with the flu. Again. Yep, he had to go ruin our Illness Free streak, which I think lasted about three weeks. (I’m kidding — poor Little Man.) So, Baby Girl loves going to the doctor and often asks to go. She has a little doctor kit that she plays with a lot, too. (Yep, I’m already boasting to Sam that our daughter is gonna be a doctor.) I commented to BG that Little Man was sick, so she asked about the doctor, expressed regret that she didn’t get to go, and immediately went to doctoring.

“My doggy sick. I get my step-o-scope and shot and take his fever.” She went through the motions with the toy stethoscope and syringe, used the thing that’s used to check the nose and ears, and then pressed the button on the digital thermometer I had left out. (You can tell she’s paid close attention in her visits.)

“It say he got five dollars! He sick!” she said when the numbers popped up on the thermometer. Poor dog.

*      *      *

Our power went off briefly yesterday evening. After taking out the lantern (which BG declared to be “amazing”), Sam talked about getting some candles out. This made Baby Girl super excited.

“It’s my birthday?! Yay! It’s my birthday! Where’s my cake?” It took a while to make her understand that there was no cake. I was tempted to stick a leftover birthday candle in a Little Debbie cake, but she didn’t eat her supper, so no Debbies for her.

*      *      *

And now for the super sweet thing she said yesterday — we were waiting on a call from Little Man’s doctor (the insurance denied his Tamiflu prescription, saying they wouldn’t cover it more than once in a 90-day period, so the office was trying to get that sorted out). I didn’t hear the phone ring, because sucky hearing, and Baby Girl told me it was ringing. I told her a little bit later that I appreciated her telling me it was ringing.

“Mommy’s ears don’t work very well, so I need your help hearing things sometimes,” I told her.

“Your ears not work?” she asked.

“Not very good,” I answered.

“Poor Mommy,” Baby Girl said, looking sad. “I go see Santa tomorrow. I say I want new ears for you. I say, ‘Pleeeease, Santa!'” All the feels right there.