Religious Sweet Creams

I’m sorta reposting today. It’s probably more repurposing, since I’m editing it a bit with some extra comments, but does anyone actually say “repurposing blog posts?” If not, it’s a thing now. I won’t even copyright it. You’re welcome.

This was written a few years ago. 


Last night, my husband and I were talking about Halloween. More specifically, we were talking about candy. I want the good stuff, and he wants whatever is cheapest. He’s like whatever the step up from Ebeneezer Scrooge would be, but for Halloween.

This is still true. We’ve compromised now to where we do a mix of good stuff and cheap stuff. 

Even if I haven’t always gotten into dressing up for Halloween or decorating for Halloween, I’ve always looked forward to handing out candy to kids. We would only get like two or three trick-or-treaters where I lived at growing up (rural area and all), and those were usually relatives. So now that I live in the only neighborhood in the same rural area, I enjoy handing out candy. And I don’t want to give out crappy candy that gets thrown away immediately after kids sort through it all. I also don’t like the idea that someone might come back and TP our yard if we give them a single tiny Tootsie Roll, as Ebeneezer might if I were to leave him in control of the candy. It’s only one night per year and it’s fun! Clearly it’s not a time to go in miser mode.

“Get out your computer and see what kind of deals we can get on bulk candy for Halloween,” he instructed me last night. He figured that if Imitation Chocolate Substance With Possible Traces of Plastic wasn’t going to cut it with me, that we could at least buy the ton that we need online and possibly save money over what we’d pay at the store.

I did my search and found this Christian-themed candy.

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This candy mix is perfect for your church Halloween party! Trunk-or-Treaters love the included Bible Verse Buttermints, Faith Jelly Bean Treat Packets, Tangy Tarts Scripture Candy, Cross-Shaped Swirl Pops, Religious Fish Candy Treat Packets, Carried by the Lord Gummy Fun Packs, Religious Sweet Creams, God Loves Us All Printed Suckers, Tootsie Rolls® and Wonka™ Mix-Ups®. (200 pcs. per unit, 3 lbs.) Assortment may vary.

I laughed so hard while reading this description that I had tears running down my face. I’m a Christian, but absurd stuff like that kills me.

Scripture Candy. Lord Gummy Fun Packs. Testamints. Who’s job is this? I would 100 percent take a job that let me name religious-themed candy. Baptist? You get the “Burn in hell” cinnamon jawbreakers. Catholic? How about y’all get the Everlasting Life Everlasting Gobstopper so someone has something to get through the whole service? Ummm…Methodists get something plain. “We so vanilla” vanilla wafers.

It wasn’t a terrible price, but did lack the Good Candy requirement, so I passed. I’ll probably pick up a dozen bags of whatever good stuff is on sale next week when I’m out by myself. If one of the bags is something he loves, he might just study over the receipt in silence and not even complain. Wouldn’t it be nice?

Bonus

While I’m sort of on the subject of religion, I saw something even more eyebrow raising yesterday evening.

On the way home from retrieving our pizza from Papa John’s, I saw some people standing by the road — almost in it — waving in such a way that it looked like they were trying to flag someone down. Thinking they needed help, I slowed down a bit to check things out, figuring that I’d turn around if it looked like something I could help with, or call 911.

I didn’t turn around.

The people were standing next to a white kidnapper-style van with no windows that had a huge sign that said, “Prayer Drive Thru.”

facepalm

I don’t care who or what you believe in, that’s just creepy.

(I found out later that they were using it as a method of advertising for their church, in case you were concerned that maybe something fishy was going on. There are better ways of doing this, y’all, that doesn’t Killer Clown level creep folks out. Just saying.)

They are still doing this. IN A PANDEMIC. And they are all super old — like 70s and 80s. No masks, either. Someone quoted them on Facebook as saying that if it’s their time, it’s their time. And what better way to go, I guess. SIGH.

Making This Blog Hot Part 2

This is a repost (lightly edited) that I’ll link back to the other repost. Repost inception sorta?


Remember that time I published a post called Making This Blog Hot? You should; it’s one of my more well-liked posts. (This says a lot about you, the readers, that a post poking fun at a list of blog topics is one of my more popular posts.) The last time I covered about half of the list and promised that I’d follow up on that with the last half. In case you aren’t sure where this post is going by now, today I’m doing the follow up.

One of the first suggestions from the second half that caught my eye was Create a post that utilizes a bar chart or pie chartI haven’t really done charts in the almost decade that I’ve been out of college (silently weeping right now), but here:

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Did I just hear a collective groan on that chart? See the second chart, then.

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The slice is to the right of the center at the top, FYI, but due to my shading it’s hard to see.

Moving right along… This idea, though: post linkbait. Why? Why would I post the thing that everyone tries to avoid? Sure, when I was working for one of those websites, I’d post linkbait on my Facebook feed pretty regularly. I don’t mind irritating my family and friends. They have to like me anyway. But y’all? You strangers who choose to read this blog? No, I’m not irritating y’all with that mess. (Unless it’s something super funny. In which case, I’ll make an exception.)

Hold a conference or webinar through blog post. Okay. I kind of did that before with an Ask Me Anything post I ripped off a Not-To-Be-Named poster. I’ll plan on doing that one later this week, on Friday. The three of you who would like to ask me a question may do so starting at 3:23 PM, Eastern Time (better schedule that one now). This is one of the few times in your life you can find out something personal about me that you didn’t already know without reading old posts, or ask for my advice, absolutely free of charge. You may or may not feel enlightened afterwards.

Compile a list of common mistakes in your niche. I have no idea what my mistakes are, and I don’t take kindly to having them pointed out, so no. (Kidding…I know I make mistakes and don’t mind them being pointed out as long as you aren’t incorrectly correcting me. That’s annoying.)

I seriously LOL’d at this one: Abandon your blog for a week and make others think “what happened to you.” It’s pretty risky, but if you are famous blogger – this will get you a lot of buzz. 

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Me, minus the waist, flowy hair, and boxy shoulders.

I promise you, if I up and disappear for a few days or whatever and haven’t said I’m throwing in the towel, it’s because of life. Not because I’m trying to play some Where In The World Is Anxious Mom? game, although that could be pretty fun. You’d be limited to tracking me around rural North and South Carolina, and there would be shots to celebrate any and all progress. Clearly, Baby Girl would be one of the henchmen. #wheresanxiousmom #letsmakethishappen #stopthehashtagmadness

Maybe this one didn’t age well since I have disappeared a couple of times. But not to create buzz. But I always returned! 

Ask some billionaire to write a blog post for you. I’m sure one of y’all won the Powerball last week, so how about writing me a post that includes your full name, Social Security number, mother’s maiden name, and your routing number?

This one I’m tempted to do, except for I think most of y’all would be too chicken to participate: dare your readers to do something. I suck at dares. I used to get wicked ideas for dares when we’d play Truth or Dare at parties and stuff, but then I’d think, “shit, they might get embarrassed and then I’d feel bad…”

The best one from this entire list? Publish a manifesto. How the fuck does someone all anxious and paranoid like me not have a manifesto published by the age of 32? This. Must. Change.

I am now 36 and still have not published a manifesto. Dammit.

Is my blog hotter now?

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Making This Blog Hot

Last week, we discussed making money and blogging. Today, I’m going to teach you about what your blog is REALLY lacking.

It’s hotness.

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I’m Erika, The Blog Bitch.

So, about five years ago, I was stuck in a writing rut and decided to get help from Google. I came across a website with an article called 101 Blog Post Ideas That Will Make Your Blog “Hot.” 

Hell yes. Hotness is just what this blog has been lacking.

I scrolled through the list and came across some interesting things, like Host a giveaway. Interesting, but what the fuck would I give away? Lord of the Rings toys? Dirty diapers? The right to name my next child (even though a third child isn’t happening)?

On to another idea. Criticize a website/blog or a person. Oooh, yes, I could have my own Burn Book type post and talk shit about all of my fellow bloggers.

tumblr_mdwkwernis1rla5a5o2_500“Fuck John for not telling me more about his swagger.” Or “To hell with NotAPunkRocker for skipping Christmas cards.” Or maybe “Damn that NerdInTheBrain and her gratitude.”

[None of these amazing posters are still blogging as far as I know. 😦 ]

Eh, maybe not. I’m not a fan of people hating me.

Number 9 is Tell a personal secret. Is there anything I haven’t overshared on already, though? Then there is Bust a myth. Is this kind of like Bust-A-Move? (Fun fact: my husband clued me in on the fact that one of my favorite arcade games shares the same name as a song.) Myth busting seems like it would take more effort than trying to come up with a legit blog post, though. And more than likely, Snopes has already got to it

Number 34 is Start a poll. I’ve never done a poll on this blog before, so there’s no time like the present, right?

That doesn’t really make for much of a post, though, does it? I suppose I could discuss my leg shaving habits in a post of its own and have the poll and all, but I kinda doubt anyone would want to read that.

Directly after that is #35 Write a post about things you regret doing/not doing. Um, no. I’m not trying to add to the depression. Maybe I’ll hit that up in January.

Halfway through the list is #51 Create a blog post about your bad habits – Smoking, alcohol, drugs. Tell them something shocking!

Dafuq? That’s just a little too much enthusiasm for someone else’s struggles, person who created that list! And I’m stopping at that one. I now have something resembling a blog post put together, plus I want to save the other half of this list for tomorrow or another day this month when I can’t come up with much of anything to write.

Looking at numbers 1 through 51 on that list only, which is your favorite? Anything you’re likely to use? Maybe the Publish your CV online suggestion?


I may post Part 2 on Friday.

Hey, Underoos

I’m writing this post because it is something y’all really need to know.

Like, really need to know.

The last time I bought new underwear was sometime before Baby Girl was born. I’m not sure exactly when, but she’s 6 now, so it’s been a while. I’m really picky about underwear. You’d think maybe most women are, but the uncovered elastic waistband seems to dominate the underwear market, so y’all can’t be that picky because that uncovered elastic is the devil.

Underoos - Imgflip

(Speaking of devils, LM offered to make BG a PB&J last week, and she declined because “he makes the devil PB&Js with crunchy peanut butter and strawberry jelly.” I had never heard of Devil PB&Js, but okay. If we can have Jesus Chicken aka Chick-Fil-A, then we can definitely have Devil PB&Js.)

So, a decade ago I found the perfect underwear. Hanes ComfortSoft waistband boyshorts for women. 100% cotton, no polyester blend. They didn’t ride up, they were super comfortable, and THE BAND WAS ENCASED IN COTTON. Plus they were tagless, which wasn’t standard in underwear for us peasant folk back then. And then Hanes discontinued them, as people apparently don’t like comfort, but I lucked out and found a few unopened packs on eBay in my size sometime before the girl was born. Ever since that day I’ve prayed to the underwear gods for Hanes to bring back my underwear.

Six years is a long time. I had a lot of undies since I got those packs on eBay, but that shit didn’t last forever. My undies stopped holding things in place and got some holes. (One pair with a hole in the crotch may have made an appearance at my full-body exam with the dermatologist. When they said “full body,” I was thinking “full body like at the GYN, where I wear nothing under a gown.” And then they said keep my underwear on. Fuuuuck. For once in my life, I’d have preferred less coverage.)

I started my underwear search, but the underwear gods hadn’t listened and reintroduced my brand, so I had to look elsewhere. A couple weeks ago, I hit up Amazon, determined to find some underwear that were comparable to my old ones. That was not an easy task. One package looked good, but no, it was a polyester blend. One package was perfect, but wait, not my size. Another package looked promising only to zoom in on the elastic band and see that it wasn’t covered. Devils. I looked and looked and looked and finally found something that checked off every box except for “boyshorts.”

Granny panties, y’all. I got granny panties.

And they are comfortable as hell. They don’t ride up, they have a comfortable waistband, they have a bit of tummy control. They’re some random ass brand, too, but they had great ratings on Amazon, so for $25 I gave them a try, and it was worth it.

Once they arrived, I threw out the underwear that had potential to embarrass me if I either a) wore them to another doctor appointment or b) got in a wreck and had to have my underwear cut off. Seriously, my grandma was always talking about how important it is to wear clean underwear that are in good repair when leaving the house. Because if you have a wreck, they might see your underwear, and…well, she didn’t really follow up with anything, but one can only assume that they’d open the back of the ambulance and kick out the gurney holding the person with the poor underwear.

I had another thought about my grandmother when I was tossing the undies. You see, she never tossed my holey underwear. Oh, no. She kept them.

Now you’re probably thinking, “WTF, Grandma?!”

She grew up during the Great Depression and was the type who didn’t like to throw away anything, and that meant keeping my old cotton underwear to use as rags for dusting. (Hers were silky undies, so they weren’t dust cloth material.) As it turns out, teenage girls aren’t fans of their grandmas keeping their old holey underwear lying around to use for cleaning. Seriously, when she dusted, sometimes she’d do a bit and stop. And the next thing you know, one of my friends was dropping by and there sat my raggedy underwear on one of the decorative tables.

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That was very good motivation to make sure I beat her to dusting.

She still had some of my old underwear in her cleaning cabinet when she died. So, with a dozen family members in the house going through my grandmother’s things, my dad managed to find my old underwear, hold them up for all to see, and ask if I wanted to keep them.

I Will Kill You GIFs - Get the best GIF on GIPHY

Do you feel like you know enough about me and my undies by now? Too much, perhaps?

Making Money and Having Fun

This title sounds like I’m gonna try to peddle some makeup and essential oils, doesn’t it?

Oops.

No pyramid schemes here. I promise.

Pin by Amanda on The Office | The office show, Office jokes ...

I was browsing Pinterest for blog topic ideas when I saw this:

Those are not the droids topics I was looking for. But let’s take a look anyway, shall we?

#2 – Video games

I could definitely write a post or two about playing video games. I could write about how I used to love playing on my Playstation and how excited I was to get my PS4, only for a child to basically take it over. That child hasn’t been disowned yet, but he is saving money to buy a PS5, and I plan to get revenge when he does.

#4 – Workout

Lmao. That is all.

#32 – Music

I have eyes, well ears, for one band mostly. Y’all know who it is by now, and I don’t think writing a bunch of posts on that band would go over too well, let alone make me any money. Here’s a very different song that you may enjoy if you give it a listen.

#34 – Blogging

Raise your hand if you want to take blogging advice from someone who posts inconsistently and hasn’t made enough to pay for so much as her domain. No? I guess I don’t have much advice to offer about blogging and making money, then, unless you want to know how to use WordPress in general. I’ll toot my own horn on that one — I’ve used the platform for writing jobs and to create websites, so I’m good with it. But there still isn’t enough to write about and make it rain because shame.

#42 – Weight loss

Again, lol.

Really, though, keto works fantastically well. If you can stick with it.

#43 – Weight gain

If you don’t stick with keto, then it’s easy to do this. I’m sure I could blog a food diary that demonstrates how to gain weight, but that’s not how I want to make a buck.

#81 – Bikes

Oh boy. I can definitely write about bikes, but not in a “this is my hobby, here are some awesome bikes to choose from, trails and water bottles” way. Here’s what I have to say about bikes — first, please wear a reflective vest when you’re riding on the road so I don’t run over you. (These curvy country roads are the worst, y’all.) Second, one of the great injuries of my adulthood came at the hands of a bike. I bought a bike for exercise, my husband said it was a bad idea, and then I had drinks with friends and rode the bike around and boom, injury. I could also write a lot about the curse words I said during that injury.

#100 – Movies

Let’s see. I love to rewatch all of the MCU, Star Wars, X-Men, and Lord of the Rings movies at any time. I could probably write endlessly about those movies, and it would bore people to death and drive them away from my blog, so I probably won’t do that.

#104 – Religion 

There is a lot I can say about religion. There are thoughts in general, fun and not-so-fun stories from growing up, making fun of certain things. It probably has the most potential out of the topics on that graphic. But, no, I don’t think I will.

No, I Don't Think I Will | Know Your Meme

My idea for a blog — conspiracy blog. People eat that shit up, and it’d be a lot of fun to make up stuff to screw with people. Plus creative writing. Maybe I could slip in some stuff that would be helpful, like “the deep state really doesn’t want you to wear masks,” so then they would. Oooh. Throw ads on there to monetize and double oooh.

What would you add to the list?

Funny Bits With The Girl

The girl is often full of herself, and she’s had quite a few funny moments over the past week. Here are a few of them:

Baby Girl told me about playing with another little girl at recess. Baby Girl is 41 inches tall and this little girl, who is just a year older, is almost five feet tall. I was shocked to learn she is six! Anyway, they play family together. I asked BG about their roles, since I know she hates getting stuck as the baby, which is what usually happens.

“My friend is the mommy, and I am the pet lion,” she told me.

I love everything about that.


I was getting something out of LM’s closet and was kneeling over when his old infant car seat fell out of the top and hit me base-first on the head. I yelled and Baby Girl asked what was wrong. I told her, and her response was less than sympathetic.

“You’ll be fine.”

She sounds like a seasoned mom.


BG and LM probably fight more than they get along, but they do have their super sweet moments. LM was helping her put together a LEGO set her grandma gave her and told BG how much he loved her. Baby Girl said she loved him, too.

“I love you more than nothing.”

She has a way with words, huh?


When I called for BG to come into the living room and get ready, she didn’t answer and let her magnadoodle answer for her:

I love that she put an exclamation.

Happy Tuesday!

Don’t. Touch. My. Head. Pillow.

How many of y’all have head pillows?

And how many of y’all are like “WTF is a head pillow?”

My husband was confused the first time he heard me mention a head pillow. We had just moved in together and were getting adjusted to each other. The sleeping together part wasn’t fun, honestly. I liked my space and couldn’t sleep all that well with someone else in the bed — sleeping with him is like sleeping with a radiator, he took up space, and he snored.

The confusion came when I snatched a pillow out from under his head after he went to sleep. I was doing schoolwork late and he was asleep when I went to lay down. And what did I see when I got in bed? The bastard had taken one of my pillows. Specifically, my head pillow.

You see, I require at least four pillows to sleep. I need a base pillow, and that pillow can be soft or firm or whatever. Doesn’t matter, because it’s just the base, and its only purpose is to elevate me. And then I need my sleeping pillow, which needs to be able to be folded in half when I’m sick and need a little extra elevation so I can breathe better. Next, I need my holding pillow. You could call this the grown up version of a stuffed animal. Last, I must have my head pillow. It is a pillow that is old as fuck and should’ve been thrown out years ago, so it’s soft and squishy and has no form. It goes over my head to block out light, noise, and to add some weight, which I like for whatever reason.

Ideally, I would have two more pillows, but depending on what my husband takes, I can’t always make this work. First, I would have the leg pillow that goes under my legs and second, I would have a barrier pillow that I put between me and my husband or kids, whoever is sleeping near me. 

So, when I saw my head pillow under his head, I wasn’t very pleased. How was I supposed to go to sleep when this bastard had my head pillow under his head? I tried to ease the pillow out from under his head at first, but his giant cantaloupe head made that impossible, so I tried to do the sheet pull. You know, where people pull sheets out from under food and plates and stuff on a table. It didn’t go all that smoothly, so he woke up.

He groaned. “What are you doing?”

“You had my head pillow,” I hissed.

“Your what?”

“My head pillow. Get your own pillow, it’s on the floor next to your side.”

He did as instructed and went back to sleep. The next morning, he fussed over me snatching a pillow out from under his head.

“I brought my pillows into this apartment,” I said. “So they’re mine. I don’t share pillows. Especially my head pillow.” I don’t care how petty it made me sound. I frequently had insomnia, so a good night’s sleep didn’t happen often. And I sure as hell didn’t have a good chance of sleeping in less than optimal conditions.

He asked what a head pillow was, so I explained, and he still acted confused and said he had never heard of such a thing. I told him it didn’t matter if he had never heard of it as long as he didn’t touch my pillow again.

I had my first head pillow for 15 years. I don’t know how old the pillow was when I first got it from my grandma’s house, but it was perfect. When I was 30 and struggling with sinus issues, my doctor suggested replacing my pillows every six months. It’s possible that pillow may have contributed to my issues.

And then BG came along and threw up on my pillow. I couldn’t get it properly cleaned, so I had to throw it away. It was a sad day. I found another head pillow, though. And while it wasn’t perfect, it worked well enough. Unfortunately, she threw up on that one, too. And then another. (Reflux issues. I eventually learned to cover our pillows with beach towels when she came in.)

I finally settled into a new head pillow, but then BG stole it out of my room and started putting it on her head. She wanted a head pillow, too, and cried when I tried to take it back, so I let her keep it. Little Man also decided he wanted a head pillow and tried to take another of my pillows that was squishy enough, but I put my foot down and said no. He’s a mouthy little tween and less likely to tug on my heartstrings than BG. I got another pillow for him, but he’s still eyeing my head pillow.

Last night, my husband messed up. I came to bed and found my head pillow under his head again. He wasn’t asleep, but I was tired and cranky from the lack of sleep, so I roughly jerked it out from under his head.

“Don’t. Touch. My. Head. Pillow.”

He laughed and laughed. I told him if he touched it again, I’d smother him with it before I tried to go to sleep, which made him laugh even harder.

If y’all don’t have head pillows, what sleep habits do you have that others think are weird?

About Anxious Mom, As Narrated By Morgan Freeman

While updating my About Me page, I decided to have a little fun with it. And since there has been an influx of new followers, I thought I’d share that page as a blog post. Welcome aboard, new folks.


Per the blog post title, you should read this in Morgan Freeman’s voice. 

Anxious Mom, who is known as “Mommy,” “Mom,” or “Momo” by her children, is a 30-something woman who resides in the Deep South. (And by “resides,” we mean “suffers” due to the unbearable heat and humidity.) She has two heathens — a son in middle school and a daughter in kindergarten. When the children aren’t busy tormenting each other, they torture their mother in ways only children can.

There are many things Anxious Mom enjoys doing in her spare time. If you ask her directly, she’d probably tell you that she loves reading and doing intellectual activities such as going to the museum. If you observe her in her habitat, however, you’ll find that she mostly watches shows on Netflix and plays games in her downtime. She is particularly fond of comedies, including The Office, Parks and Rec, Friends, and Brooklyn Nine-Nine. She has jokingly said that liking one of those shows is required to be friends with her, but through careful observation, we have learned it is not, in fact, a joke.

If you asked Anxious Mom about her background, she’d tell you that she did a brief stint as a teacher before becoming a stay-at-home-mom. Since then, she has done freelance work part-time, including providing content writing and editing services. Her primary job, however, is working as a chauffeur. This is where she truly excels in life, as she has a penchant for punctuality (as long as her children and husband don’t intervene) and safety. The mother, who we suspect was a hall monitor in another life, is proud of having never gotten a speeding ticket. She does, however, fill her swear jar every other day thanks to her time on the road, so she isn’t as goody-two-shoes as she seems.

As you can see, Anxious Mom is a blogger. Some people call her a mommy blogger, and that irritates her greatly. “I am a mom who blogs,” she maintains, as though there is truly a difference. She has blogged for five years and writes about herself and her family. When she first started blogging, she wrote a lot about her mental health, and it’s suspected that she’ll do so again. The rapidly-approaching-middle-age mother is also fond of writing blog posts where she rants about meaningless topics.

This concludes our glimpse into the life Anxious Mom. You can read her other blog posts or follow her on Instagram for other mundane insights into her life.