All The Christmas Things

This is very likely the last year that Little Man will believe in Santa Claus. He no longer thinks the Elf on the Shelf is real (mainly because he found the box Rufus lives in the other 11 months of the year) and he has been questioning whether Santa is real again. (He first did this when he was three or four — scoffed at the idea of a sleigh traveling such a far distance without a jet pack.)

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This was my effort at getting LM to believe in Rufus again. Can’t imagine why it didn’t work.

I always thought that when LM seriously asked me about Santa (especially considering that we do a watered down version of Santa) that I’d tell him the truth.

I didn’t.

After being bummed over the Elf, I want to finish this Christmas with him waking up on Christmas morning looking under the tree thinking something magical has happened. We can talk about other types of Christmas magic, but you know the one I’m talking about will be lost forever after this year.

When he asked, I turned the question around on LM and asked what he thought. He rambled on a bit, then asked me again, and I started rambling about the magic and spirit of Christmas. After going on, he lost the ability to pay attention (which I was banking on) and went on to something else. He also got a letter from the North Pole in the mail (from a festival he went to), plus I’m going to do the Portable North Pole app on my phone for a message from Santa, so — by God — we’re going to get through these next six days with him believing in something that I didn’t care if he believed in in the first place when he was little. Funny how that works. And when he finally does stop believing, I’m gonna bawl my eyes out since that means those little boy days are coming to an end. (This would be the part where Sam would be all, “E, stop getting sad over when the kids grow up! God!”)

Despite Little Man’s decreased interest in Rufus, I’ve been trying to keep our Elf active. Baby Girl thinks that Rufus is actually Santa and will talk to him about what she wants for Christmas (we’re now at “a ball, a book, a hamburger, and a Snowman”). She doesn’t get the pranks, though. She will next year, and I bet LM will be able to come up with some fun things. Overall, I’ve missed a few nights moving the Elf, but found that getting online after the rest of the family goes to bed and catching up on blog reading helps me. Namely, reading StomperDad’s Daily Elf post is what helps me. His post reminds me to move the thing, plus sometimes I steal what his elves did.

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Snowball fiiiight!

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Rufus TP’d the tree! Stolen from StomperDad.

We took the kids to see Santa at the mall last weekend. I waited three hours while Sam roamed around with the kids. We really wanted a nice picture of the two kids with Santa for the Christmas card, but when our turn came up, Baby Girl wanted no part of Santa. “I scared, Mommy. I don’t like him!” she told me. As I tried to escort her out, the pissed off elf helper tried to make me put her down on Santa’s lap for the $30 picture. That didn’t happen, and she came dangerously close to seeing that “Pissed Off Mommy Over Not Respecting Boundaries” is a hella lot more scary than “Pissed Off Elf Over Not Selling A Picture.” I got some grumbling about “parents these days,” but whatever.

Since that didn’t work out, we took some pictures at home. A few of them were bad enough that we could’ve used them to be funny (like last year), but I settled on one super sweet picture to send everyone.

And, since this has turned into a random, all over the place, holiday post, I might as well talk about my baking.

I was the treat master today.

I baked a cheesecake (despite being cracked, Sam said it was the best he’d had anywhere), dipped Oreo’s and peanut butter chocolate graham crackers into chocolate, made Andes chocolate bark, made praline squares, and made a huge thing of Christmas crack (lots of chocolate and peanuts). screenshot-2016-12-19-at-2-11-47-am

Hooray for sugar and chocolate!

That’s the last of the baking I’ll have to do until the end of the week. I’m making a chocolate cake for my mother-in-law’s get-together, but that’s it (I think).

This coming week is going to be hectic, though. (I’m preaching to the choir, I know!) Between now and December 25th, I’ve got Christmas cards to mail, last minute shopping, I’ve gotta go to LM’s school and teach jewelry making, we’re going out for my belated birthday dinner tomorrow, catching a Christmas light show on Tuesday, on Wednesday Sam and I just might get the evening to ourselves and instead of wrapping presents, we’ll go see Rogue One again. Aaand then…Thursday is when we get together with our friends to exchange gifts, Little Man has a birthday party to attend on Friday, and Saturday — Christmas Eve — is when we’ll be doing all the cleaning and cooking for our Christmas Eve meal (which will be for four people, not 15), plus crafts, movies, and hot cocoa. And then comes Christmas Day, opening presents, hosting a brunch, followed by Christmas at my Dad’s, then Christmas at my in-laws, followed by a brunch the next day at my former stepmom’s house.

(If I write down all the things I have to do in more than one place, then it’s more likely that I’ll remember to do them…or at least stumble across where I wrote them down and get reminded that way, right? We’ll see.)

How’s your week looking? Crazy busy or are you avoiding some of the madness?

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Don’t Be Hating On My Elf

I know lots and lots of people loathe the Elf on the Shelf. Partly because he looks creepy, partly because they don’t like the idea of bullshitting your kids with a stalker (or maybe an assassin) sent on Santa’s behalf to watch every little thing they do. Also partly because it does involve some effort, and some of us parents don’t have time for more effort on top of the shitty effort we’re already making.

Anyway.

We do Elf on the Shelf in our house. It’s one of our traditions now, since my stepmom bought it for us. We half considered getting a girl elf for Norah, but those things cost too much. “It’s only $35, is that the price you want to say is too much to ensure years of holiday fun for your kids?” Yep. Unless Sam caves with Baby Girl, Rufus is flying solo again this year.

Last year was the most successful Elf on the Shelf year, as we were able to convince Little Man 35 times that Santa was skipping his house for being naughty. No, I’m kidding — we don’t do the Elf thing that way. No lists, no reports, etc., but he does sometimes leave notes, small gifts, candy. Little Man loves it and has a blast with it, and I’m sure Baby Girl will too, since she’s getting into that stuff more now. Really though, last year was the most successful year because I moved the elf more times than I didn’t move him. That’s improvement, especially considering that he sat on a shelf where we hang up our keys for about 9 days one year. We had to convince Little Man that no, Rufus wasn’t dead, but that he just really liked that spot.

Now that all that info is out of the way, I’d like to announce that our elf, Rufus, has returned.

We have two versions of how Rufus returned– a kid friendly version and a not kid friendly version. Let me know which one you preferred.

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For the kids (their names were blurred out.)


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Not for the kids.

Here’s where y’all come in. If you’ve got any funny ideas for Elf on the Shelf, I want them. We’ve got a list for adult fun and kid fun, but I’m sure y’all could come up with an interesting idea or three. Whoever submits the best thing will lots of Internet points that can be redeemed for pretty much nothing, but it’s the thought that counts.

Let the hatin’ begin.

What The Elf?

You want to know the one good thing about Christmas finally almost being here? It’s almost time for the Elf on the Shelf to use his magic to transport himself back to my shoe closet the North Pole.

I’m pleased to announce that Rufus the Elf wasn’t lazy as fuck this year. He moved almost every night (or early morning), did a few funny things, wrote Little Man notes (I had to change my handwriting since he picked up on it with the first note), and even left the kids small gifts under the tree.

Here are a few final Elf on the Shelf pictures.

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My favorite and most creative–candy cane fight with the Avengers.

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Was going for the elf pooping thing I’ve seen, but his body wouldn’t go right, so he shit on his legs. Classy.

I ate the last donut and blamed the elf. He’s good for something, at least!

An Elf-In-A-Box. Sam thought this was the creepiest of all.

I scrambled at the last second to find a spot for him…so he hung out with the fake flowers Sam gave me (he didn’t want me to kill anything else with my black thumb).

OF COURSE venom wants a lap dance!

Little Man is sad that the elf will be departing after Christmas, so he’ll probably be coming back to visit in February for LM’s birthday. Maybe I could do a stripper cake thing with Rufus? Maybe not.

Merry Christmas Eve!

It’s Hard Out Here For An Elf

So, I’ve been doing the Elf on the Shelf thing the entire month of December. Or nine days. In this time, I’ve only forgotten to move Rufus twice. (That’s approximately an 80 percent success rate!) I had to tell my husband to move the elf while in the car rider yesterday, but we’re getting there.

Of course, there was the time I hid him too good and Little Man’s Christmas spirit almost disappeared, but hey, I still moved the little fucker. Not my fault if the kid can’t find him.

My husband has been questioning my elf placing methods, though.

You see, some people do a great job with elf placement. They come up with clever things for the elf to do or place them in places/positions that one’s spouse wouldn’t question.

Not me.

Not Pinterest approved elf placement.

At first glance, it may appear that the elf is being tortured. But that is what my husband  thought. “Oh my god, that looks awful!” he said. The elf is, after all, hanging upside down from a blind cord with his hands bound. But that’s not what’s happening. The Anxious Household isn’t the Guantánamo Bay for terrorist elves. In fact, what’s happening here is that Rufus is delivering a sweet note to Little Man. As for being bound? Like I said, I’m shitty at elf placement.

I’ve been reading StomperDad’s Daily Elf post each day and last night, I decided to copy him. He did one where his elves TP’d the house. Here’s my version where I TP’d a section of the Christmas tree (only a section because a) I don’t want to clean up later and b) I bought GOOD toilet paper this week, not the cheap shit): 

“That doesn’t look right,” Sam told me after I invited him to check out my work. “Why is he stuck in that tube like that? It looks like he’s being tortured!”

Clearly the theme for the elf will be torture. Maybe I’ll connect Rufus to the car battery for my next act.

Weekend Coffee Share: Christmas Tree, Pie, And A Play

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Hello caffeine lovers. Today we’ll all have hot chocolate. It is now coldish in South Carolina and the Halloween sign in the front of our house has been removed. All of this clearly calls for hot chocolate.

We are officially into the Christmas/holiday season in the Anxious household. We have a tree, and it is up (for the time being–Baby Girl pulled it over once already). It is decorated with pretty ornaments and has lights. We broke away from our yearly tradition of buying a live tree and went artificial. Once you go live you don’t go back they say, but that doesn’t account for a shitty fall asthma-wise where err’thing is an irritant that doesn’t want me to breathe. So fake it was.

As mentioned in an earlier post, our Elf on the Shelf is out. He’s already received hate mail from certain posters on this blog, which is more hate mail than I’ve received, so I’m jealous of the little inanimate doll–though I prefer love mail over hate mail. Just not creepy love mail. In case you were wondering, though, I have been good about moving him. Unfortunately, LM couldn’t find him in the last place I stuck him and wrote this glorious letter: 

Dear Rufice,

I hope you come back soon. I miss you a lot. Oh, and also, tell Santa I have been being good. Without you, I can’t have my Christmas spirit. You see, I think ever sense you came, I had my Christmas spirit. Well, anyway, come back soon!

From your hoping kid,

LM

(I’d like to note that we don’t do the whole “He’s watching you to report to Santa about the naughty or nice list,”–the Christmasy doll is just here to chillax and to occasionally play a prank on LM.)

Over our drinks, I’d offer you a slice of the chocolate pie my stepmom sent for my birthday. Considering how things are between us, I was skeptical. The chocolate pie scene from The Help played out in my head.tumblr_lzn90zYzvR1r9nxd8o1_250Naturally I made Sam try the pie first. No wrongdoing was suspected, so I had a slice and it tasted normal. Normal for that pie is sinfully good. So I’ll chalk it up to a very nice (if not strange) gesture. Perhaps an olive branch of sorts to get the goodwill of the season rolling?

(You’d probably decline the pie.)

After I ask you about your favorite desserts (just because it’d inevitably come up now), I’ll tell you that I’m pretty excited about Little Man’s Christmas Play this week. Keeping with the longstanding Anxious tradition of being a sheep or a dancing gift box, Little Man will be a green candy cane in the performance. He’s excited about it and it sounds like a lot of fun.

There are other things that happened over the week that I’d like to tell you about, but they need their own posts, so I’ll be a bitch and keep you waiting.

And that’s about all I’d tell you for this coffee share. So, please tell me a little about your week in the comments, or better yet, put a link to your own coffee share post so I’m sure not to miss it.

Thanks for reading and have a nice week!

Weekend Coffee Share is hosted by Diana at Part-Time Monster.