Things Kids Say Thursday: Messes And Germs

Both of the kids said or did something mildly amusing this week, so hooray, they served their purpose in life!

Baby Girl —

One of Baby Girl’s favorite books at the moment is If You Give A Mouse A Cookie. It’s always been a household favorite, so I’m happy that she likes it as well. Her fandom means that I get to read the aloud book dozens of times per day (which may be a slight exaggeration, but let’s just say that I don’t need the book to tell the story).

After reading it to her a few times, I usually stop at a certain point on each page to get her to help fill in. I quickly found out what she thinks happens when you give a mouse a cookie or milk.

“If you give a mouse a cookie…” I say.

“He make a mess!” she exclaims.

Indeed he does.

Now for Little Man —

Y’all know that Little Man has his quirks. He’s my and Sam’s kid, after all. One of his deals is over germs. This started when he was about two or three years old. There are exceptions to his germ worries, though. For example, dropping a cookie on the floor gets a pass.

It started out by not wanting a kiss from his relatives when he was 2 or 3. “You’ll give me germs!” The top of his head was as much as he’d tolerate. If he even suspected someone took a drink from his cup or a bite of his food (which I admit would bother me, too), he’d trash it. So, cookie from the floor of Walmart? Good. Cookie his dad bit off of? Bad.

Recently at the doctor — which he hates going to because he’s scared he’ll get sick (or sicker, if it’s not a well visit) — he gave the nurse the third degree over their thermometers. “Do you even clean those things after each use? Are you sure? Do you clean the blood pressure checker? Who cleans these books? I’m going to get sick from coming here.”

Then we found out that not only does he have a hang up over using the bathroom in public places, he also has a hang up using the bathroom at home. He called me in one day because he needed more toilet paper (a ruse, as he really wanted assistance wiping, ugh) and I saw that he’d lined the toilet seat. He apparently does this all of the time now. I clean the toilets, y’all. But that makes no difference to him. He doesn’t want “butt germs” from other people. (Maybe I’m the inconsistent one here, since I’m fine with butt germs from my family, but not from the public.)


How we feel about public restrooms around here.

The latest thing he got weirded out over was when I baked a cake over the weekend. He was raving about how good it was and asked how I make them better than anyone else he knows.

“I make my cakes [using] love,” I told him, borrowing a line from my grandmother.

He looked alarmed. “Oh my God. What does that mean?”

Sam piped up. “That means she kisses every ingredient before putting it in,” he said.

I rolled my eyes, expecting LM to know better, but he didn’t. “You kiss things? You’re putting your germs in our food?! Oh my God, I can’t eat anything you make ever again!”


It took a lot of talk for him to trust that I don’t really kiss the flour or the cocoa powder or the chocolate chips or whatever when I’m cooking.

Check out today’s taboo word below. Visit Eric, author of the All In A Dad’s Work blog and creator of the challenge, for details on participating.


Things Kids Say Thursday: He Go Night Night

One of Baby Girl’s favorite things to do is read. At the end of almost every day, we’ll have a pile of books in the floor to put back on the shelf. In fact, today was her first trip to the library. It was a risky move, taking that wild child into a place where people are expected to be quiet and not-wild. She was mesmerized by all of the books, though, and didn’t even fuss when she couldn’t hold the Batman that was on display. (That’s really saying something about the power of books.)

Sometimes when we’re reading, Baby Girl will make little comments about the pictures that cracks up Sam and me. One thing that comes up a lot is saying that one of the characters “go night-night,” when that’s not remotely what’s going on. We know that she doesn’t know any better and that it looks like that’s the case, of course, but sometimes the absurdity of thinking the character has spontaneously fallen asleep makes us giggle.

Here are a few narcoleptic characters we’ve come across lately:

This is Ladybug Girl, who appears in Ladybug Girl and Bumblebee Boy. In the midst of her superhero duties, she went night-night on this little ride-on toy (not exactly the best thing to get a good night’s sleep on). Perhaps an ER deductible is in her future?

Minnie Mouse went night-night, too. Having a hairbow party really takes a lot out of a person. Or maybe she was just bored to death. Lord knows I would be.

This is from a pop-up book about tales from the Bible. This particular picture goes with the story of the Good Samaritan. Apparently what happened here was someone went night-night on the side of the road and no one would stop to help except for that one guy.

In addition to going night-night, this is also another of my Doppelgangers. Sam said that it looked like I’d had too much fun the night before.

This is from our favorite book to read, The Mine-o-Saur. It’s about a little wild dinosaur who doesn’t share. At one point, after being a little asshole and taking stuff from his classmates several times, the other dinosaurs turn their backs on him go in full shun mode, which Baby Girl thinks is the other dinosaurs going night-night. “We’ll show him…group snoozefest in 1…2…3!”

On another note, Little Man said that maybe BG is so wild because I’ve read this to her so many times. Sigh.

What’s your favorite kid’s book?

Thought I’d mention that we got a couple of these books in the mail — for free — from the Dolly Parton Imagination Library. Check out the info to sign up here if you have a child under age five; they get a free book every month.

What I’m Reading

After watching the Netflix series Orange is the New Black, I picked up the book of the same title based on author Piper Kerman’s life. While reading a review for it, I saw the following title recommended:

Wally Lamb’s Couldn’t Keep it to Myself, featuring short stories written from incarcerated women who attended his writing workshop held at York Correctional Institution.

I’ve very much enjoyed it so far. 

I’m also reading Batman The Killing Joke, by Allan Moore and Brian Bolland.

It’s an origin story for The Joker and served as inspiration for the character in Christopher Nolan’s  The Dark Knight.

So, what are you reading?

Lesson Learned As A Teacher: Always Check for Porn

I spent one year teaching English to middle school kids before I left to become a SAHM. That probably goes down as one of the shortest teaching careers on record, but despite that, I learned something that is pretty invaluable to all teacher and aspiring teachers everywhere: always check for porn.

Yes, porn.

I don’t care what grade you teach, but always check anything you bring into the classroom (or anything you give your own kids) to make sure it hasn’t been, ah, contaminated.

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