Repost: That Time I Broke My Ass

From a few years ago…


I am a very clumsy person. I’ve broken several bones, had more sprains than I can count, and often have bumps and bruises that I have no idea how I got.

Me + doing anything more than walking = disaster.

Okay, maybe it’s not that bad, but close.

When I was in the eighth grade, I had the opportunity to go on a skiing trip with the rest of the grade. What fun! I had never been skiing before, plus a guy that I liked a lot in my class was going on the trip, so I knew it would be an awesome time.

After we got there, I went through the thing they had set up for beginners and by lunch time, I was ready to go down the intermediate trail. So I went down it a couple of times and built up my confidence.

My confidence built up quickly. Too quickly.

The third time I went down, I decided to go down fast. So down the hill I went in a straight line. About halfway down, I realized that I was going too fast. I knew that if I didn’t start slowing my ass down, I would going to crash into something or someone at the bottom.

So I turned my skis inward to try to slow down. Except I turned my skis in too much so that they crossed to form an X, and I lost my balance. Not good. I did sort of a front flip, landed hard on my butt, and rolled down the hill.

It felt like this:

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But probably looked more like this:

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The bad: it hurt like hell and I couldn’t move for a few minutes, plus the guy all the other girls swooned after saw it.

The good: said guy was very concerned and practically carried me back to the lodge. And some petty girls were jealous, not that they bothered checking on me. I was told that a couple of girls tried to fake accidents later, but their wipeouts weren’t as successful as mine as far as getting the guy’s attention went.


The next day, my butt region was so sore that my grandma wouldn’t let me go to school and took me to the doctor.

“You have fractured your tailbone,” I was told after the doc checked out my x-ray. I was told to take it easy, no softball (and tryouts were the very next week), and that I should sit on a little cushion to stay comfy while it healed up.

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So after the weekend, I went to school with my cushion. I didn’t think anything about it until a friend snatched it up and exclaimed, “You got hemorrhoids?!” during homeroom. Heads turned.

I explained to her that no, I did not have hemorrhoids and that I had fractured my tailbone.

“YOU BROKE YOUR ASS?!!!!” All of the heads turned. The teacher threatened to send my friend down to visit her dad (who was also a teacher) if she used that language again.

You would be amazed at just how much interest that pillow got from the other students. Quite a few of them wanted to sit on it to try it out, and one kid offered me a buck if I would let him sit on it for the whole day. And to think, they thought I was the weird one.

After the ass breaking, there was the foot breaking after hopping a fence at Carowinds and landing wrong. Eighth grade was not the best year for me and my bones!

So, what embarrassing accidents have y’all had? 

Monday Brain Dump

Now that I have the post about LM out of the way, it’s time for a good old-fashioned brain dump.

Hello, November, and hello weather that finally feels like fall.

Y’all, we sweated our asses off on Halloween. It was like 84 degrees and humid as fuck when we started trick-or-treating. I was glad that my kids didn’t dress as Avengers after all, since that meant I wouldn’t have to go as Carol Danvers with my jeans and leather jacket. The trick-or-treating got rained out after half an hour, but between trunk-or-treat at school, trunk-or-treat at a church, and other stuff, that was more than enough for Baby Girl.

I wish October was a couple of weeks longer. There is so much to do and not enough time to do it all in! I half run my family ragged during the holidays trying to squeeze in every fun activity and my list still has stuff left on it. I’m gonna be that person who starts Christmas stuff too early that everyone on Facebook loves to hate this year. The decorations will go up this weekend because the kids love looking at them and we’ll start our Christmas movie marathon. My Christmas fun list will get checked off this year.

So, as much as I miss BG during the daytime, I’m super enjoying all of the parent volunteering. And I’m not being sarcastic! I didn’t get to do as much with Little Man in elementary school because I had Baby Girl and almost all of the volunteer opportunities asked parents not to bring younger siblings. I hated not doing as much as I would’ve liked with him, so I’m glad I’m getting to do more now!

My husband went on the first field trip because I had a doctor appointment, and let’s just say that he doesn’t share my enthusiasm. Outside of our kids and helping out on a soccer team when LM was in kindergarten, his experience with kids this age is limited. I, on the other hand, did a teaching internship in a 4K program and worked at LM’s preschool for a while, and had young siblings, so I’m not as put off by kids that age. After they got back from the trip, he went over to the bar near the school for a beer. He said his nerves were absolutely shot and that if he had heard one more child tattle on another, he would’ve lost it.

“They aren’t even tattling over anything worthwhile! It’s just ‘Katie looked at me’ and ‘Tyler touched my seat.’ Over and over and over.”

Which is exactly like our children. The latest for Baby Girl is tattling on LM for “following” or “tracking” her. In case you’re concerned that it’s in the stalker type way, let me assure you, it’s not. So, BG cannot stand it when LM looks over her shoulder to see what she’s watching on Hulu when I let her hold my phone. It started as more of a problem because he was invading her personal space and touching her. Now just looking at her screen is a problem, too.

When BG watches “Teen Titans Go,” LM wants to watch, too, which BG detests. So, after some snipping, LM will get his phone out and watches the same exact show, which causes BG to get pissed off and complain about LM tracking and following her. She’s talking about the shows. LM will start about 10 seconds behind her, so that’s why she says he’s tracking/following her. I’m just like, if y’all are gonna bicker anyway, turn the phones off, because that’s 90% of the reason why I let you use them in the first place. Just use the damn headphones.

Baby Girl’s teacher told me that she has seen a drastic improvement in how well BG focuses since she started using the FM system to reduce auditory sensory input. She said she is blown away by how much it helps. How awesome is that?! If we have to meet again with Asshole Psychologist, that should make a great argument for having her evaluated for an IEP, since the item he said could only be used with an IEP is making such a difference. Yay my daughter’s school for going against what Asshole said!

I feel like more has happened in the past two weeks since I posted about regular happenings, but am blanking now. Happy Monday and all that crap!

About Anxious Mom, As Narrated By Morgan Freeman

While updating my About Me page, I decided to have a little fun with it. And since there has been an influx of new followers, I thought I’d share that page as a blog post. Welcome aboard, new folks.


Per the blog post title, you should read this in Morgan Freeman’s voice. 

Anxious Mom, who is known as “Mommy,” “Mom,” or “Momo” by her children, is a 30-something woman who resides in the Deep South. (And by “resides,” we mean “suffers” due to the unbearable heat and humidity.) She has two heathens — a son in middle school and a daughter in kindergarten. When the children aren’t busy tormenting each other, they torture their mother in ways only children can.

There are many things Anxious Mom enjoys doing in her spare time. If you ask her directly, she’d probably tell you that she loves reading and doing intellectual activities such as going to the museum. If you observe her in her habitat, however, you’ll find that she mostly watches shows on Netflix and plays games in her downtime. She is particularly fond of comedies, including The Office, Parks and Rec, Friends, and Brooklyn Nine-Nine. She has jokingly said that liking one of those shows is required to be friends with her, but through careful observation, we have learned it is not, in fact, a joke.

If you asked Anxious Mom about her background, she’d tell you that she did a brief stint as a teacher before becoming a stay-at-home-mom. Since then, she has done freelance work part-time, including providing content writing and editing services. Her primary job, however, is working as a chauffeur. This is where she truly excels in life, as she has a penchant for punctuality (as long as her children and husband don’t intervene) and safety. The mother, who we suspect was a hall monitor in another life, is proud of having never gotten a speeding ticket. She does, however, fill her swear jar every other day thanks to her time on the road, so she isn’t as goody-two-shoes as she seems.

As you can see, Anxious Mom is a blogger. Some people call her a mommy blogger, and that irritates her greatly. “I am a mom who blogs,” she maintains, as though there is truly a difference. She has blogged for five years and writes about herself and her family. When she first started blogging, she wrote a lot about her mental health, and it’s suspected that she’ll do so again. The rapidly-approaching-middle-age mother is also fond of writing blog posts where she rants about meaningless topics.

This concludes our glimpse into the life Anxious Mom. You can read her other blog posts or follow her on Instagram for other mundane insights into her life.

30 Minutes In The Life…

I need to start keeping a list of blog topics again. An idea popped in my head while I was in the bathroom earlier, and I thought it’d make for a decent blog post. (It wasn’t about anything bathroom-related.) So, I made my way into the living room and sat down at my computer and got a notification that I needed to take medicine.

Reminder: medicine 10:00, daily

It was more than an hour past when I should’ve taken it, so I got up. Once in the kitchen, I saw that the eggs were left out that I brought in this morning from grocery shopping. And by grocery shopping, I mean that I ordered a bunch of stuff on my Walmart Grocery app and picked up everything before I dropped off Baby Girl at school. I hate going in Walmart with a passion, plus they remodeled the damn store and moved everything around, so I’ve been using the app. The app came in especially handy this week since I’m dealing with a cold-sinus thing. When I got home, I put away everything but the eggs. Dammit. Back to the computer.

How long do eggs stay good when left out?

Google said eggs can stay out at room temperature for two hours. Seeing how I got a notification that my groceries were ready at 7:45 and it was past 11:00, things weren’t looking good for the eggs. I put them in the refrigerator anyway and will let my husband test them out. I can’t throw away 18 eggs unless I know for sure that they’re bad, and he’ll taste test anything. (Seriously, though. I told him the other day that I don’t know what I’ll do if he dies before I do, because then I won’t have anyone to check to see if food is still fresh.)

After putting the eggs away, I noticed the gallon of bleach on the table. I bought it because there’s a stain of some sort in the toilet and I’m hoping that will take care of it. I poured a cup of bleach in the toilet and then realized I didn’t know how long I can leave bleach in the toilet before it eats a hole in the plaster or whatever.

How long can I leave bleach in the toilet?

And then I noticed the notification in the top corner of my screen was still there reminding me to take my medication.

Reminder: medicine 10:30, daily

So I took it.

And after I took my medication, I cleared off the kitchen table, wiped down the table and the counters, and contemplated folding one of the baskets of clothes by the back door. I decided against that because nothing looked too wrinkly.

Back to the computer desk. The Google tab was still open from my bleach search, and I saw that it’s recommended you leave bleach in the toilet for 10 minutes. Okey-doke, timer set for 10 minutes. And then I got to the reason I sat down at this computer desk in the first place — the post.  I opened up WordPress, ready to write about the topic I was excited to write about earlier, but then my brain totally blanked. I hoped that by writing all of this out, I would trigger something and the idea would come again, but it didn’t.

Oh well.

And now you know how I spent the last 30 minutes of my day.

In case you’re wondering, I actually did flush the bleach on time, but it didn’t get the stain. Yuck. Google tells me that it’s probably lime build-up, so I guess I’ll buy something for that later.