WordPress, Couch Licking, And More

Public Service Announcement

Let me get this out of the way…

There is a plague upon WordPress’s house. And that plague is the new editor.

I’ve used the classic editor for more than a decade. When they switched to boxes, I updated my settings for classic. And then another time, I contacted support to switch me back. But it looked like I was finally doomed to using the boxes on the last update.

I couldn’t find any info for switching back by search, and the most recent comment from support on one of the forums said they weren’t adjusting settings anymore. PANIC. I don’t like change. I’m still mad at Apple for changing the color of the music icon on the iPhone, and that was years ago. So moving away from the editor I used for work and fun — all the cuss words.

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Through luck, I figured it out. I went under “Posts” and when that opened, there was an “Add new” tab at the top with an arrow next to it. I clicked that arrow, and lo and behold, the option to post using the classic editor was there. Note: doing anything other than this gets me with the new editor. Don’t click “Add New” in the column on the left or it will give you boxes. Also, you have to sign in through yoursite.com/wp-admin for this.

Y’all are probably thinking WTH or don’t care because you use your tablets to post, and that’s great, but for the one or two of you who might miss Classic, there ya go.


Now that I have that info out of the way, I’ll move along to more personal shit. Nothing as juicy as the house that was taken, though.

First, what is wrong with my children? They fight over who gets to cuddle with me. You’d think that between me being built for comfortably cuddling two kids at once that they’d be fine, but no.

“I want the whole thing,” BG screams at LM.

Yes, “thing.”

“Stay on your side!” LM screams back.

“I don’t want a side! I want all of it!”

Yes, “it.”

“Well, you have to share OR ELSE.”

Cue BG balling up her fist and attempting to punch LM in the face. SIGH. I’ll tell ya, that little girl is stronger than she looks. Trying to manage her with one arm (with the bad shoulder) and keep her from attacking her brother isn’t easy. It’d be easier if her brother would move for a minute so I could deal with her, but no.

This happens every other day. Once they made a truce and agreed to each get one boob and over and avoid the middle, but I wasn’t entirely comfortable with that compromise. The last time we had a cuddle session, BG tried to cough on LM and told him she was giving him coronavirus.

Also, in the land of “What is wrong with my children?” WHY, WHY, WHYYYY will BG not stop licking the fucking couch?

New trending GIF online: nbc, gross, andy samberg, disgusting, brooklyn 99, brooklyn  nine-nine, jake peralta, yucky

It is gross for so many reasons. She’ll either lick it or suck on it and leave huge spots. And GERMS. I threw the cushions in the wash the other day and made all sorts of threats if she licked the couch again (and I offered her alternatives since honestly, I know it’s a sensory thing but it’s so freaking strange), but the licking resumed after a couple of days.


Also, why do my children have to pick Halloween costumes that aren’t readily available? Last year BG wanted Beast Boy, and of course they hadn’t put out new Beastie costumes in some time. This year, BG wants Wolverine, and there isn’t anything in her size because either you get to be a baby Wolverine or a big kid Wolverine — kids still in toddler sizes don’t get to be Wolverine. LM at first wanted to be Hawkeye, but I couldn’t find anything for that. He’s in that weird place where kid’s costumes won’t fit and the adult costumes are too big. He then switched to Winter Soldier from the Captain America movies. I found a Wolverine jacket that has a masked hood and will pair that with some yellow pants for the girl, and I found a Winter Soldier shirt (it looks like his clothing/arm) and will add some other stuff to make it work for LM.

We are really looking forward to Halloween! It’ll be different since we won’t get to do any big festivals, but we’ll still have trick-or-treating. My neighborhood is perfect for distanced trick-or-treating, so I think it’ll be safe.


Last — has anyone watched the show The Boys on Amazon? It is so damn good. It shows what would happen if corporate America were in charge of real superheroes and stuff. It’s also an excellent parallel for the society we live in. (I won’t say much otherwise, because of spoilers. Just check it out.)

The Boys GIF by Amazon Prime Video - Find & Share on GIPHY

How was your week?

I Was Today Years Old When…

Every so often, I’ll see those “I was today years old when I learned ____” memes on Facebook.

Today Years Old - Imgflip

I found this one when Googling for a meme to put here. Count me as being “Today years old” for that, too, because I didn’t know that. And since I went 30ish years thinking that was a toastiness level, I’ll have to make some toast later to confirm.

I started writing this post a few months ago and abandoned it. In that time I’ve learned that my toaster’s numbers are not the length of time something gets toasted. It’s a $10 toaster from Walmart, so maybe my cheap toaster doesn’t work right. How about yours?

I have my share of those “Today I learned” moments. Maybe even more than my fair share.

…I learned how chicken broth works

Several years ago, some ladies at the church I attended asked me to cook a chicken and bring it in the broth to the church for something they were making. So, I googled how long to cook a whole chicken and got the necessary supplies — a whole chicken and a couple containers of broth.

My husband came into the kitchen when I was getting everything together and wanted to know why I had chicken broth.

“They told me to bring the chicken and the broth up there when it was done,” I responded.

“But you don’t need chicken broth when you’re cooking chicken! You cook it in water, and it makes its own broth,” my husband told me.

Lies.

I laughed, because clearly he was full of shit. A chicken doesn’t make its own broth. Right? Broth comes from…well, I didn’t know what it came from exactly, but I knew chicken wasn’t self-producing broth. His way would be a plain old chicken in water. I certainly wouldn’t be drinking that chicken water if I were sick, like I do with actual chicken broth, which is salty and tasty.

We argued a bit and then I texted my stepmom, since she knows almost everything about cooking. (I say “almost” because she rinses her rice and pasta, sigh.) She confirmed that my husband was right and that all I needed to do was bring the chicken and the chicken water to the church.

Michael Scott Mad GIFs | Tenor

So is my bath water actually human stock, then?

…I learned Delaware is a state.

I was supposed to learn all of the states and capitals and label them on a map in 7th grade geography. I don’t remember how I did on that test, but I do remember hating that class and having to put in actual effort to do well in it. I’m assuming that I made a B on that states test, best case scenario.

So, yeah, I learned about Delaware being a state a few years ago. I don’t know how we got on the topic of Delaware, but I asked whether Delaware was in Virginia or Maryland, and my husband totally thought I was pulling his leg. I was not. He was baffled that he married someone who forgot (assuming I ever processed it) that a state was a state.

“But you collected the state quarters!” he said. “How did you not know?!”

“My grandmother collected the quarters and gave them to me. But maybe I knew and forgot. I dunno.”

Delaware STILL does not sound like a state to me.

Also, LM has 7th grade geography now. I told him he better not ask me for help on anything, just go to hisdad.

…I learned the ribbon in the battery compartment is there for a reason.

Some time ago, I noticed that the manufacturers of electronics and toys that required batteries often have ribbons in the battery compartment. This annoyed me, because I had to cram it in after inserting the batteries and it often hung out a little. Why would they waste ribbon by sticking it in a battery compartment of all places?

Eventually, I started cutting the ribbons out and throwing them away. I cut out those ribbons for years until fairly recently, when I learned why those ribbons exist.

I found an old remote control car that belonged to Toddler Little Man in storage and wanted to give it to Baby Girl. I screwed open the compartment and saw that a) I hadn’t removed the old batteries before storing it and b) the batteries had corroded. I groaned and tried to use my screwdriver to pry out the batteries. I couldn’t and was getting a bit frustrated until I saw the ribbon hanging out and had a light bulb moment. Since the ribbon was under the batteries, I could pull on the bit hanging out and hopefully yank the batteries out, so I did. I marveled at my cleverness for a moment until I had a second light bulb moment and realized that must have been the intention of the ribbon all along.

Brooklyn99 B99 GIF - Brooklyn99 B99 CaptainRayHolt - Discover & Share GIFs

…I learned that Wolverine isn’t just a character in X-Men

Surely I’m not alone in this one. This is something I’ve also learned in the past year or two. My husband and I were talking about college football, and I commented that it was odd that Michigan named their college team after an X-Men character. My husband had a WTF look on his face. “They didn’t name it after Wolverine from X-Men. They named it after the animal.”

I laughed at that, because that sounded ridiculous. Imagine — a wolverine animal!

“That’s not an animal,” I told him. “Wolverine is supposed to be like a wolf, but they just made his name sound cool by calling him Wolverine.”

Wolverine GIFs - Get the best GIF on GIPHY

Another note: I know nothing about X-Men beyond what I’ve watched in the movies. And the ones I’ve watched didn’t address the origin of his name, not that I remember anyway.

“It is so an animal,” my husband said looking at me like I was absolutely insane. “Look it up!”

I rolled my eyes and just knew he was messing with me. What the fuck kind of animal could someone like the ripped Hugh Jackman with the funky hair and admantium claws be based on?

This, apparently:

State warning: That animal killing chickens and rabbits in Anchorage is a wolverine - Anchorage Daily News

Sigh.

What is your “Today I learned…” moment?

Making This Blog Hot Part 2

This is a repost (lightly edited) that I’ll link back to the other repost. Repost inception sorta?


Remember that time I published a post called Making This Blog Hot? You should; it’s one of my more well-liked posts. (This says a lot about you, the readers, that a post poking fun at a list of blog topics is one of my more popular posts.) The last time I covered about half of the list and promised that I’d follow up on that with the last half. In case you aren’t sure where this post is going by now, today I’m doing the follow up.

One of the first suggestions from the second half that caught my eye was Create a post that utilizes a bar chart or pie chartI haven’t really done charts in the almost decade that I’ve been out of college (silently weeping right now), but here:

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Did I just hear a collective groan on that chart? See the second chart, then.

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The slice is to the right of the center at the top, FYI, but due to my shading it’s hard to see.

Moving right along… This idea, though: post linkbait. Why? Why would I post the thing that everyone tries to avoid? Sure, when I was working for one of those websites, I’d post linkbait on my Facebook feed pretty regularly. I don’t mind irritating my family and friends. They have to like me anyway. But y’all? You strangers who choose to read this blog? No, I’m not irritating y’all with that mess. (Unless it’s something super funny. In which case, I’ll make an exception.)

Hold a conference or webinar through blog post. Okay. I kind of did that before with an Ask Me Anything post I ripped off a Not-To-Be-Named poster. I’ll plan on doing that one later this week, on Friday. The three of you who would like to ask me a question may do so starting at 3:23 PM, Eastern Time (better schedule that one now). This is one of the few times in your life you can find out something personal about me that you didn’t already know without reading old posts, or ask for my advice, absolutely free of charge. You may or may not feel enlightened afterwards.

Compile a list of common mistakes in your niche. I have no idea what my mistakes are, and I don’t take kindly to having them pointed out, so no. (Kidding…I know I make mistakes and don’t mind them being pointed out as long as you aren’t incorrectly correcting me. That’s annoying.)

I seriously LOL’d at this one: Abandon your blog for a week and make others think “what happened to you.” It’s pretty risky, but if you are famous blogger – this will get you a lot of buzz. 

giphy (22)

Me, minus the waist, flowy hair, and boxy shoulders.

I promise you, if I up and disappear for a few days or whatever and haven’t said I’m throwing in the towel, it’s because of life. Not because I’m trying to play some Where In The World Is Anxious Mom? game, although that could be pretty fun. You’d be limited to tracking me around rural North and South Carolina, and there would be shots to celebrate any and all progress. Clearly, Baby Girl would be one of the henchmen. #wheresanxiousmom #letsmakethishappen #stopthehashtagmadness

Maybe this one didn’t age well since I have disappeared a couple of times. But not to create buzz. But I always returned! 

Ask some billionaire to write a blog post for you. I’m sure one of y’all won the Powerball last week, so how about writing me a post that includes your full name, Social Security number, mother’s maiden name, and your routing number?

This one I’m tempted to do, except for I think most of y’all would be too chicken to participate: dare your readers to do something. I suck at dares. I used to get wicked ideas for dares when we’d play Truth or Dare at parties and stuff, but then I’d think, “shit, they might get embarrassed and then I’d feel bad…”

The best one from this entire list? Publish a manifesto. How the fuck does someone all anxious and paranoid like me not have a manifesto published by the age of 32? This. Must. Change.

I am now 36 and still have not published a manifesto. Dammit.

Is my blog hotter now?

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Making This Blog Hot

Last week, we discussed making money and blogging. Today, I’m going to teach you about what your blog is REALLY lacking.

It’s hotness.

The office mindy kaling kelly kapoor GIF on GIFER - by Bann

I’m Erika, The Blog Bitch.

So, about five years ago, I was stuck in a writing rut and decided to get help from Google. I came across a website with an article called 101 Blog Post Ideas That Will Make Your Blog “Hot.” 

Hell yes. Hotness is just what this blog has been lacking.

I scrolled through the list and came across some interesting things, like Host a giveaway. Interesting, but what the fuck would I give away? Lord of the Rings toys? Dirty diapers? The right to name my next child (even though a third child isn’t happening)?

On to another idea. Criticize a website/blog or a person. Oooh, yes, I could have my own Burn Book type post and talk shit about all of my fellow bloggers.

tumblr_mdwkwernis1rla5a5o2_500“Fuck John for not telling me more about his swagger.” Or “To hell with NotAPunkRocker for skipping Christmas cards.” Or maybe “Damn that NerdInTheBrain and her gratitude.”

[None of these amazing posters are still blogging as far as I know. 😦 ]

Eh, maybe not. I’m not a fan of people hating me.

Number 9 is Tell a personal secret. Is there anything I haven’t overshared on already, though? Then there is Bust a myth. Is this kind of like Bust-A-Move? (Fun fact: my husband clued me in on the fact that one of my favorite arcade games shares the same name as a song.) Myth busting seems like it would take more effort than trying to come up with a legit blog post, though. And more than likely, Snopes has already got to it

Number 34 is Start a poll. I’ve never done a poll on this blog before, so there’s no time like the present, right?

That doesn’t really make for much of a post, though, does it? I suppose I could discuss my leg shaving habits in a post of its own and have the poll and all, but I kinda doubt anyone would want to read that.

Directly after that is #35 Write a post about things you regret doing/not doing. Um, no. I’m not trying to add to the depression. Maybe I’ll hit that up in January.

Halfway through the list is #51 Create a blog post about your bad habits – Smoking, alcohol, drugs. Tell them something shocking!

Dafuq? That’s just a little too much enthusiasm for someone else’s struggles, person who created that list! And I’m stopping at that one. I now have something resembling a blog post put together, plus I want to save the other half of this list for tomorrow or another day this month when I can’t come up with much of anything to write.

Looking at numbers 1 through 51 on that list only, which is your favorite? Anything you’re likely to use? Maybe the Publish your CV online suggestion?


I may post Part 2 on Friday.

Making Money and Having Fun

This title sounds like I’m gonna try to peddle some makeup and essential oils, doesn’t it?

Oops.

No pyramid schemes here. I promise.

Pin by Amanda on The Office | The office show, Office jokes ...

I was browsing Pinterest for blog topic ideas when I saw this:

Those are not the droids topics I was looking for. But let’s take a look anyway, shall we?

#2 – Video games

I could definitely write a post or two about playing video games. I could write about how I used to love playing on my Playstation and how excited I was to get my PS4, only for a child to basically take it over. That child hasn’t been disowned yet, but he is saving money to buy a PS5, and I plan to get revenge when he does.

#4 – Workout

Lmao. That is all.

#32 – Music

I have eyes, well ears, for one band mostly. Y’all know who it is by now, and I don’t think writing a bunch of posts on that band would go over too well, let alone make me any money. Here’s a very different song that you may enjoy if you give it a listen.

#34 – Blogging

Raise your hand if you want to take blogging advice from someone who posts inconsistently and hasn’t made enough to pay for so much as her domain. No? I guess I don’t have much advice to offer about blogging and making money, then, unless you want to know how to use WordPress in general. I’ll toot my own horn on that one — I’ve used the platform for writing jobs and to create websites, so I’m good with it. But there still isn’t enough to write about and make it rain because shame.

#42 – Weight loss

Again, lol.

Really, though, keto works fantastically well. If you can stick with it.

#43 – Weight gain

If you don’t stick with keto, then it’s easy to do this. I’m sure I could blog a food diary that demonstrates how to gain weight, but that’s not how I want to make a buck.

#81 – Bikes

Oh boy. I can definitely write about bikes, but not in a “this is my hobby, here are some awesome bikes to choose from, trails and water bottles” way. Here’s what I have to say about bikes — first, please wear a reflective vest when you’re riding on the road so I don’t run over you. (These curvy country roads are the worst, y’all.) Second, one of the great injuries of my adulthood came at the hands of a bike. I bought a bike for exercise, my husband said it was a bad idea, and then I had drinks with friends and rode the bike around and boom, injury. I could also write a lot about the curse words I said during that injury.

#100 – Movies

Let’s see. I love to rewatch all of the MCU, Star Wars, X-Men, and Lord of the Rings movies at any time. I could probably write endlessly about those movies, and it would bore people to death and drive them away from my blog, so I probably won’t do that.

#104 – Religion 

There is a lot I can say about religion. There are thoughts in general, fun and not-so-fun stories from growing up, making fun of certain things. It probably has the most potential out of the topics on that graphic. But, no, I don’t think I will.

No, I Don't Think I Will | Know Your Meme

My idea for a blog — conspiracy blog. People eat that shit up, and it’d be a lot of fun to make up stuff to screw with people. Plus creative writing. Maybe I could slip in some stuff that would be helpful, like “the deep state really doesn’t want you to wear masks,” so then they would. Oooh. Throw ads on there to monetize and double oooh.

What would you add to the list?

Daily Writing Prompt: It Took So Long To Leave…

Today’s prompt:

It took so long to leave because…

of my dad.

You have to plan carefully when visiting my dad’s house if you have somewhere else to go. Especially at holidays. If he says “We’re carving the turkey at 1:00,” what that really means is “I’m probably going to stick it in the fryer at 1:30. It’ll be done by 2:30, but has to sit and cool a while, so we’ll probably eat at 3:00.” His turkey is amazing and worth it, but my MIL usually starts her dinner promptly at 5:00, and it that leaves us at eating and running. (Leaving an hour after eating the meal is absolutely “running” to my family. You’ve gotta sit and chat a while and then have dessert and chat some more.)

Back when we’d meet at his house to go out to a restaurant on the weekend on occasion, he’d tell us, “Meet here at 6:00. I’ll be ready.” Nah. He was (and I assume still is, but we haven’t been over there since early March) always messy from working on something outside, in torn jeans, a white t-shirt that was no longer white and should’ve been tossed years ago, and dad sneakers. So our choices would be “wait 45 minutes for Dad to get ready” (which isn’t so bad if you don’t have hangry kids) or “let’s go somewhere Dad can go dressed like this.” Not that the last part really matters anyway.

That’s better than when I was a kid. When I was young, we’d have to wait for him to come up from the pasture, and back then he cared more about his appearance, so we’d wait for the shower, too. And sometimes if he knew we had to leave somewhere at a certain time, he’d disappear about 10 minutes beforehand saying he had something to do that would take five minutes. Five minutes would quickly turn into an hour.

I’m a stickler for being punctual, and my dad’s lack of being aware of time often drives me nuts. My husband is the same way. My son is also the same way, hence racking up a record number of tardies in elementary school. BG is usually good about doing what she needs to get out the door at a certain time, thankfully.

It also took so long to leave because of the goodbyes.

One Does Not Simply Walk into Mordor | Know Your Meme

Basically this except, “One does not simply leave my father’s house.”

There’s no going, “Well, I’ve enjoyed the visit. Love you and talk to you later this week.” If you do that or hug everyone present any less than five times, then someone must be mad or sick. By the time you’ve said your goodbyes and given hugs multiple times, plus talked about the other random things that popped up, you’ve probably left 30-45 minutes later than planned.

I’ll tell you, I’ve had my problems with my dad over the years. Some major ones at times and some minor ones still. But I hope when my kids are adults that they say it took so long to leave because of good stuff like that. (That last paragraph, not the parts where leaving the house to go eat took forever lol.)

Daily Writing Prompt: The Last Text You Sent

In my efforts to write more, I’m going to start using random daily writing prompts. They may not make for fantastic posts, but at least I’ll be writing and writing about more than just life in quarantine.

Today’s prompt:

Use the last text message you sent as today’s writing prompt.

I send lots of memes and funny pictures, so technically the last message I sent was something I saw online.

In case you don’t watch The Office, that’s Kevin. From The Office. And he’s carrying his Kevin’s Famous Chili. All is well in Kevin’s world in that moment in the parking lot. He made some chili that his coworkers are fond of, so he’s thinking he will be the popular guy in the office for the day. And considering how his love life has been going, he needs the bump in positive attention and confidence.

Well.

In 2020 fashion, this doesn’t work out too well for Kevin.

Because there's nothing better than starting an episode with poor ...

And here’s the clip of the opening with Kevin’s Famous Chili.

If you didn’t watch it, he commented, “It’s probably the thing I do best.”

Oof.

I thought that meme was pretty funny, yet accurate. While I’m not the biggest fan of New Years Resolutions, nor do I subscribe to the idea that New Year is a fresh start, it kinda felt that way in 2020. It was a brand-new decade, after all, as well as an election year for those of us in the US! Many of us were all Kevin with his chili in the parking lot. Hopeful, eager, excited about what the future brings, etc. (And maybe others would be more like the unpictured Angela, who is a vegetarian and wouldn’t have cared too much about Kevin’s chili and just carrying on about her daily life.)

And by mid-March, the chili fell in the floor. At first glance, it’s bad, but maybe not that bad? Perhaps some of the chili could be salvaged. But now we’re in August and that chili is all over the floor, the carpets stink and need to be pulled up, and no one got any yummy chili.

I could totally go for some chili right now.

And if you want the last actual text I sent, it’s:

Get me the fresh ones.

This was in reference to cinnamon rolls (my husband was at the grocery store). You’ll be happy to know that he did, indeed, get me the fresh ones instead of the ones that expire soon. Unfortunately, they were 2020 cinnamon rolls and were too sweat to eat. Yes, there is such a thing!

Join me for the Daily Writing Prompt if you want! Share your last text in the comments below or create a post of your own if you’re struggling for writing ideas. Link back here so I can read it.

Changes Are A’ Coming

It has been quite some time since I played the blog name change game. I actually set up a new WordPress account, thinking I’ll just get a fresh start and maybe that would help with the writing. I don’t know how much sense that makes, but it did at the time.

And now I’m thinking maybe a blog makeover here, where I’ve been for six years, would be better. I wouldn’t have to refollow everyone and all that. Does it make sense that it would help with the writing? Still probably not. But hell, it’s worth trying.

Writing has been my outlet for a long time, and it is also one of the few social outlets I have. I have a couple of friends I talk to regularly, but those conversations have been getting shorter and shorter since there really isn’t much to talk about. And lord, Facebook is just awful and frankly contributes to some depression. (That might sound odd, but I’ll explain more about that later.) So much for social media being a great outlet for social interaction during a time of isolation. It’s important to be active on here, through posting, reading, and commenting to have that outlet.

I’m also going to go through my old posts and see what’s worth keeping up and what’s not. Not that anyone goes through old posts anyway, but whatever. It’ll be part of the process and might even spur some ideas for new posts.

So, yeah, some changes are coming. And hopefully it’ll be worth it.

Mindy Kaling GIFs | Tenor

(I’m so optimistic!)