Braaaain Dump, Feb 27 Edition

Wanna know the worst thing about winter? It’s not ice. It’s not snow. It’s not even the depletion of Vitamin D and the low moods that go with it.

Does this even qualify as being snow? It’s from our big “snowstorm.”

The. Yearly. Fucking. Physical.

That’s the worst part of winter.

Our insurance company gives us a $500 “discount” on insurance if we get the physicals and send in our data. And by discount, I mean “Here’s your set price, and you’ll pay an extra $40 bucks per month on top of that if you don’t go get this done.” I don’t think they quite grasp how discounts usually work.

So, this time of year I make a post where I bitch and moan because I hate getting physicals done. No one likes it, no one likes getting their blood drawn, and no one especially likes having to weigh in and all the fun that comes with that. Frankly, it ended up likely being a good thing I went this year, but I’ll still grumble now and every year that I’m on this blog.

The paperwork for the discount is due February 28. Ideally, you go sometime in January. Much to my husband’s dislike, I put off the appointment as long as possible. I went in Monday, which didn’t please my husband, because he said that wasn’t long enough for them to get the lab results, complete the paperwork (it’s just two sheets, sigh), and fax it (fax, not snail mail). It makes him sweat bullets, because apparently $500 will make or break us. Not really, thankfully, but you’d think it is a matter of life or death or something. His irritation is kind of amusing, and I’d be lying if I said that didn’t factor into my procrastination. (She had it faxed in 24 hours.)

Monday was the general unpleasantness, plus a little extra. I’ve had a spot on the top right of my forehead for a couple years. It started out really small and pink, and then it got yucky and crusty and a bit larger and itchy. (Gross, but hey, my side swept bangs conveniently cover it.) The PA I saw a couple years ago when it came up brushed it off once and then twice. After the spot went rather 3D, I decided to get my new doctor look at it. She called it a pre-cancerous lesion and froze it off. I have to go see a dermatologist in a couple of months to check out some other moles/spots she’s concerned about and see if any of the spot she froze off grew back.

I’m very white, very freckled, and have probably had a hundred sunburns easily, so it was just a matter of time before something like this came up. Hopefully all goes well in a couple months, and this is a good reminder for me to stop being so sporadic with my use of sunscreen. (It’s also a good reminder for those of you who are kinda slack like me, so sunscreen up.) And, despite my blog name, I’m not all anxious about it. So there’s that.

In other general unpleasantness, there’s me. I know that comes as a shock to y’all, since I’m a ray of sunshine, but it’s true, I am prone to bouts of unpleasantness. This one is likely a bipolar thing, which my psychiatrist is trying to help me get back to my version of normal. (And my normal is so not normal normal, but it’ll do.)

His suggestion last month when we talked and I told him about the unpleasantness (read: mild depressive moods, bad anxiety, shit sleep, and severe irritability, hence the unpleasantness) was to reduce one of my meds. I’ve been taking Wellbutrin along with Lamictal for a while, like almost two years I think, and it made things so nice for the most part. The Lamictal helped a lot, but the Wellbutrin did a good job of leveling out the depressive moods I was prone to.

After reducing the Wellbutrin throughout January and most of February, I saw the psych again on Tuesday, and he decided to take me off of it completely. I was reluctant, because I worry that changing things could make things worse. And maybe this is just a small hurdle I need to get over and things will get back to my normal soon. And if I stop taking it now and things get sucky then…blah blah. I stopped it, though, because this guy is good and the reasons he gave made sense. So, we’ll see what happens over the next few days.

(So maybe I’ll be steering this blog back to mental health stuff for a while.)

I have been bitten by the reading bug in 2020. It’d be nice to get bitten by the writing bug or the cleaning bug, but this bug has me reading.

  • You
  • Hidden Bodies
  • Todd Fisher’s My Girls
  • The Wolf of Wall Street
  • This Boy’s Life
  • The Rooster Bar
  • The Storyteller
  • Carrie Fisher’s Wishful Drinking
  • Carrie Fisher’s Shockaholic

This has been a nice break from all the autism reading.

Two things: First, I’m obviously on a Carrie Fisher kick. I adored her, and as a fellow bipolar person, I am fascinated by her life. Second, about half of my reading list has been bio stuff, which I don’t usually do, but I’ve enjoyed it.

What have y’all read this year, and so you have any recommendations?

Zzzzzzzz

My body feels half dead. I haven’t been sleeping well this week and have averaged around three hours of sleep per night. I feel so damn tired, but my brain won’t settle down at all. The melatonin isn’t touching it. I can usually take a nap after dropping off the girl in the mornings if I don’t sleep well the night before, but my brain ain’t having that this week.

Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts, so many thoughts.

I should write about blah blah blah, I need to figure out how to clean the blah blah blah, I think I’ll order blah blah blah, I need to get my decorations and blah blah blah, I need to research IEP stuff and blah blah blah. 

Add in snippets of music between those thoughts, or interrupt those thoughts with snippets of music even, and you’ve got my brain.

Ever since getting on the perfect mix of meds for my bipolar disorder (my old psychiatrist got me stable and my new one added something that made things better), I’ve been much more balanced overall. My mood tracker went from looking like a level 5 thrill ride pre-meds to a level 2 ride that would probably mostly bore LM. I wonder if the sleep this week is due to another climb or if it’s just some run-of-the-mill insomnia. I’m not totally bouncing off the walls or being super impulsive or super creative, so it may be (and hopefully is) just the latter. That would be good since that would mean no drop in mood later.

I’ve been rather cranky as a result of the no sleep, and the kids have been foolish as hell this week. LM’s foolishness peaked yesterday, but thankfully I got out of the house and had dinner with a friend. And this morning, Baby Girl did well at first…she got up without complaint, got dressed, got her shoes on, and then stopped. She wouldn’t eat (whatever, I’m not gonna push it) and suddenly decided she wasn’t going to school. So she got back in bed, hid under the pillows, and refused to get up and get her hair combed and teeth brushed. Twenty minutes later, her dad got her in the bathroom kicking and screaming and did the best he could.

That’s how her hair looked.

I drove her to school while my husband drove LM. That child kicked and screamed for 10 minutes and even launched one of her shoes at my head. After that she started sobbing about how no one loves her and thinks she’s terrible and fussed because she dropped her stuffie. I handed her the plush uterus toy and asked what her favorite body organ was. I kid you not, she did a 180 just like that, completely perked up, and spent 15 minutes talking about the best body organs and their various functions.

Okay, then. At least she was calm. I messaged her teacher to give her a head’s up about how the morning went and let her know I packed some cereal in her bag. Hopefully the perky “yay body organs” attitude will stick with her throughout the day.