CeCe’s A B-I-T-C-H

Do your kids ever do things that drive you crazy? Of course they do. Do you ever feel like calling them words that would make others cringe and say, “Oh my god, what an awful parent”? Of course you do.

The post Two Faced Kids by StomperDad at All In A Dad’s Work where he talks about discreetly calls his kids douchebags reminded me of something Sam and I have been saying.

Remember how we use “You’re killing me, Smalls!” whenever Little Man (and others) does something irritating or ridiculous and we use it to replace “are you fucking kidding me”? Well, we now have another such phrase. When someone is doing something bitchy, they’re “being a CeCe.”

If you are a fan of The Office, you may know what I’m referencing. Maybe not, though, since it was a smallish part of one episode. For the non-fans (curse you all), I’ll explain:

There’s an episode where everyone shows up for the christening of the main couple’s baby, who is named CeCe. Steve Carrell’s character gets pissed when he isn’t in the mix of things (because not his child) and huffs about it, saying:

I don’t even know how to say this, but CeCe is turning out to be a little B-I-T-C-H.

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Slam. Calling a baby a bitch.

He quickly follows up with “And that’s not true, but her parents are kind of boxing me out.” The damage was done, though, in the eyes of the audience. Well, in the eyes of Sam and me. We were hysterical over it.

It has now come to be part of our everyday language. I was the first to use it. Baby Girl was being particularly nasty a couple months ago and having a little attitude and trying to hit us and I commented that “CeCe is turning out to be a little bitch.” Didn’t even spell it.

Sam cracked up and said he couldn’t believe I said that about our baby girl. I told him I’d probably say worse in the future, so this is nothing. (Don’t get your panties in a wad–I’m sure I won’t actually say worse. I’ll just think it and say it in code.)

It’s not quite appropriate to go about calling one’s child a bitch or saying they’re driving you fucking insane, so calling them “CeCe” or “Smalls” (especially in Little Man’s case) is what you’re left with. It works for other people, too. “She’s being such a CeCe.” Or “that total CeCe cut me off!” Or “I’m sorry for being a CeCe today, Sam.”

“What happens when they want to know the origin of their nicknames?” Sam asked last night after we referenced something CeCeish that Baby Girl did.

“I dunno. They’ll probably think it’s funny when they’re older, though.”

We’ve already discussed bad word substitutes on the Smalls post, so why don’t you just tell me the not-quite-appropriate word or phrase that flies out of your mouth that you wish didn’t?

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You’re Killing Me, Smalls

[If you are sensitive to four-letter words or generally don’t have a sense of humor, scroll on past.]

Are you the parent of a child who is likely to copy everything you say? Especially the bad things? Because we all know that you really only have to say “shit” once, and they pick up on that right away. But “please”? Gotta do that one at least a hundred times before it sorta sticks.

Are you also the parent of a child who isn’t perfect and constantly finds ways to drive you batshit insane get in trouble?

If you’re the parent of a little bad word repeater who often drives you to saying bad words and you prefer that your kid doesn’t have the mouth of a sailor like you do, I have a great substitute for you. (You know substitutes…like saying “motherlover” for “motherfucker.”)

You’re killing me, Smalls! 

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That’s our go-to bad word phrase substitute around the Anxious household. Yep, a line from my and Sam’s favorite movie as kids is what we use when we need to say phrases like “Are you fucking kidding me?!” and “For fuck’s sake!”

Sam uses You’re killing me, Smalls! more frequently than I do (sometimes he shortens it to Smalls!), but that’s because he’s better at filtering his language. I’m a work in progress.

Some scenarios, in case you’re not sure how this works:

Your kid is kicking his damn soccer ball around the house again, even though you’ve told him to take the ball and his butt outside. You know this because you hear it bounce off the wall while you’re feeding the baby. Instead of saying “Is this fucking real life right now?!?!” you can say:

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You’re folding clothes while your kid is taking a bath in the bathroom adjacent to the bedroom. While folding that towel in half, you catch the kid perched on the side of the tub preparing to leapfrog in, from the corner of your eye. Instead of saying “Are you out of your g*ddamn mind?! You’ll kill yourself!” you can say:

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You see your son, who is about to go into the second grade, snatching a shape that goes into the shape sorter toy from his one-year-old sister. Again. Instead of saying “I’m gonna beat you in the head with that fucking triangle!” you say:

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It’s almost bedtime. You’ve told the kid to brush his teeth and get dressed for bed while you wrap up shit. You look at the clock and about ten minutes has passed. You go check on him and instead of being in the bathroom or bedroom, he’s hiding underneath the sofa table with the candy jar. A shit ton of wrappers are beside of him. What do you say then?

Fuck You’re killing me, Smalls! The only one that works here is You’re going to grandma’s!

So, what’s your bad word phrase substitute? I know we can’t be the only parents with potty mouths who want our kids to be out of elementary school before dropping f-bombs. Share away.