The Theft Continues: 50 Things

If you’re struggling for a blog topic and either your kids aren’t fulfilling their purpose in life–providing you with blog topics–and everything else is too blah to write about, then the best way to proceed is to tell people a bunch of random shit they probably didn’t want to know about you.

I’m kidding–y’all will absolutely want to know this shit.

I’m stealing this “50 Things” thing from Tessa, who stole it from Kitt and Sass. There is probably some more lineage that I could go into, but I’ll stop there. (Does this make Kitt and Sass sorta my blog post grandmothers?)

Without further ado, 50 things about me:

1. My hair is the color of the poo someone with a fiber-rich diet would make.

2. A Perfect Day for Bananafish is my favorite short story.

3. I am married to a man who downloaded 50 Shades of Grey on Amazon (okay, this one was more about outing him and less about me).

4. I tried to get detention when I was a senior in high school, so I wouldn’t graduate with a clean record, and failed.

5. My favorite book and movie changes weekly.

6. Speaking of books, I’m currently reading Little Bee. Liking it a lot so far.

7. I planned to have Little Man naturally. I changed my mind within 30 minutes of contractions starting.

8. I got a paddling in 4th grade for something I didn’t do.

9. The first article I ever got paid to write was about baby bowel movements.

10. The first time I got drunk was when I was 20. I was on a different continent and drunk-dialed my grandma.

11. Sam and I love playing pranks on people. We once convinced his mom that he fell off a “little mountain.”

12. I quote The Office at random.

13. I’m competitive as hell and take certain things, like trivia and video games, very seriously. 

14. I beat my husband by more than 50 points in an NCAA football video game once. He was very upset because I didn’t let up.

15. I will destroy you at fooseball.

16. And then I will dance around the table.

17. I make a hella good NY style cheesecake. Unfortunately for me, I hate cream cheese, so more for everyone else.

18. I have an autographed picture of the cast from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

19. Speaking of which, I believe my hubby and I have watched all seasons of Buffy and Angel at least four times since we’ve been together.

20. One of my most embarrassing stories involves a boy, a closet at church, and a broken arm (when I was 15).

21. I still freak out, gag, curse, etc. over nasty diapers.

22. I have terrible road rage. My husband thinks it’s “cute.” Cut me off, motherfucker, and see how cute I am.

23. I used to wear my Hanson t-shirts all the time in middle school. I still have one of them.

24. My favorite superhero is Spiderman. Not Batman.

25. No one is allowed in my house when it’s not clean enough. Come to my door anyway and I will tell you to leave as politely as possible.

26. All plants and flowers gifted to me have perished under my watch. The one plant that did last was given to me after we lost Baby N, and it lived until shortly after Little Man was born (nope, we didn’t change how we cared for it).

27. I campaigned for Ron Paul back in 2012.

28. I was a major overachiever in high school, which led to becoming a slacker in college. I’ve maintained my slacker status–I absolutely will not do more than the bare minimum. Otherwise, people expect and demand way too fucking much of you.

29. I only buy a purse every year or two, and never spend more than $25 on one.

30. My stepmom saved me from falling out of a raft going over a waterfall.

31. On a different trip, I almost drowned while tubing after I turned over on some white water and my arm got tangled in the life jacket I had tied to the handle of my tube (not smart enough to wear it properly).

32. If you ask me to say the pledge, I will fuck it up. I had to say the pledge over the intercom in high school for two years straight (one of my duties as student council VP and president) and if I didn’t have it in front of me, I’d screw up thanks to getting tongue tied when I’m nervous.

33. I only eat Oscar Meyer bun length wienies made of chicken and pork. ONLY.

34. I don’t like anything cheesy.

35. We found out we were pregnant with Little Man at the same place my husband proposed.

36. I’ve lost my engagement ring more times than I can count.

37. I curse a lot.

38. People who say “only uneducated/stupid people” curse annoy the shit out of me. My college diploma and IQ say “fuck you, motherfucker!”

39. I can’t stand a limp handshake. I will completely judge you for that.

40. I cheat at board games. Like Monopoly. I will so steal some money and property.

41. I got my hearing aids adjusted today.

42. I can pick a lock. I used to do this in the summers as a kid when I would get bored. I have no idea why, but it has come in handy quite a few times (for non-illegal reasons).

43. I have a hair-trigger temper, but there’s only two times you’ll see it. See #22 , plus when I lose to my husband playing video games, because I should never ever lose to him.

44. My husband and I sometimes write shit together. We have written short stories, a couple of plays, as well as an entire album spoofing Doyle Hargraves from Slingblade.

45. I like to tell my husband Marvel is better than DC Comics to annoy him. He will spend at least half an hour defending DC Comics.

46. Mean Girls is one of my favorite movies.

47. I love technology and want all the gadgets. I’ve started badgering my husband for a new laptop that I don’t need just because I want Windows 10.

48. I once served my dad half-cooked bacon and runny pancakes for Father’s Day. When I was 14. I still can’t cook bacon for shit.

49. Sam and I dressed up as hobbits for Halloween once. I was Frodo and he was Sam. We did not use these costumes for role playing in the bedroom.

50. I’m hungry.

I made it! Even if some of these are random as hell.