Personal/Random

I Regret Nothing…Maybe

Looking back through some old (and mostly private) posts, about three years ago, I was falling apart. Depression was worse ever, anxiety was bad, there was lots of family stuff going on, etc. — just a straight up clusterfuck. And then I made things a hundred times worse when I stopped taking my antidepressant and anxiety medicine on a whim. It makes me cringe so hard now just thinking about what a straight up mess I was.

Image result for inspiration get to where i am today

Okay, yeah, inspirational type things like that really aren’t me.

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If I were going to do an inspirational type thing, it’d be something along the lines of, “Yay, you’re less of a fuck up than you were a few years ago. Go, you.” (And now I really want to make that and post it in the comments section of the next person who posts one of those memes. Oh hell, I’ll do it.)

It’s been about a year since I saw my therapist. And in the year range since I wrote anything about my own mental health. And I never dance around those issues with my friends anymore, either. (I say “dance around” because those conversations were very limited and vague.) After spilling my guts the other ways for the better part of three years, it’s been weird not saying anything and kinda losing touch with myself, if you know what I mean. I went from being very in tune with my feelings, moods, etc. to, well, not. 

That kinda bit me in the ass a little, too.

A few months ago, I started having some heart palpitations. A few times per hour, I was having palpitations. Since the only other time I have had heart palpitations is when I was having an awful anxiety/panic attack, I assumed that my heart was about to kick it.

Husband: “It’s anxiety.” 

After waiting for my heart to kick it for a week, I went to the doctor.

New doctor: “Sounds like anxiety.” 

Me: I don’t think so…

<refers me to cardiologist, palpitations worsen>

Cardiologist: “I really think this is due to anxiety, but I’ll do an ECG.” 

That turned out fine, of course, but I still didn’t think it was anxiety. I figured that as someone who has dealt with anxiety pretty much forever, that I would know if anxiety were the culprit. I mean, yes, I was having anxiety and very much on edge a lot, but still…that wasn’t how it typically presented in me.

Psychiatrist: “What’s new in your world?” 

I tell her about the palpitations.

Psychiatrist: “Oh yeah, that’s anxiety, it might be time for you to start back taking a daily medication again.” 

Me, in my head: IT’S NOT ANXIETY.

Me: I don’t think it is. Doesn’t seem right. 

Psychiatrist: Maybe it’s not, but let’s give this a try for a month and see what changes.

I agreed.

Within a few days, the palpitations were gone. Hmph. Being the person that I am, I skipped them for a couple of days, and lo and behold, palpitations started back. So everyone was right except for me on this one.

That definitely showed me that I’m not as on top of the anxiety (or any of the other mental health stuff) the way that I was. Maybe if I had been mood tracking (the tracker goes through a bunch of symptoms on a sliding scale to show how you’re doing with anxiety, depression, etc.), I’d have put it together on my own without wasting a few hundred bucks on having my heart checked. (Or maybe not, it’s possible that I’d have never fingered something I associate with attacks with run of the mill anxiety.) Same thing with my moods — when I’m not diligent about tracking those and being aware of triggers, it’s easy for things to go south and get super irritable. Whereas if I’m more aware, I can tap out or do whatever it is I need to do to stay right. Not so much tapping out these days.

So, I guess I should add this to my New Year’s Resolutions list — track shit, lest I go in clusterfuck mode again. I’ve got an app downloaded to my phone, plus I was gifted a nice adult coloring book/marker set for Christmas. Everyone says it’s really calming, so we’ll see. I don’t anticipate having the patience for it, but it does look pretty cool.

Really, though, I think it’s extra important to be on top of things right now. As excited as I am about getting a cochlear implant, I know the risks. I know that I might lose the rest of my hearing in the implanted ear, that the sound quality might be awful (think sensory issues), that relearning to hear just might not work out, etc. I’m willing to take those risks because the possible benefit is huge, but I know that if things don’t work out or it gets too overwhelming or whatever, that I could be prone to falling into a bad depression. I guess that’s true any day, but more so with that situation, I’d think.

So, here’s to getting in touch with my brain again, so that I avoid the cringe in future posts. Scratch that — there’s always going to be cringe with me — so I’ll shoot for avoiding batshit cringe.

Next up — time to do a catch up on the family that doesn’t involve talking about what cute/funny thing they said. As much as I enjoy doing the Dorky Mom stuff, it almost pains me at times to only show my family/myself through that one lens. That’s the nature of the content and all, but still…

Till then.

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What’s Your Score?

Just for fun —

Saw this on Facebook and had to do it, of course. First it’s a Facebook quiz of sorts and second it’s related to picky eating, which y’all know I’m all about.

My eye twitched a little bit at the spelling of lettuce.

Out of 66 food items, I won’t eat 33. Fifty percent — kind of a high number when you’re the person in the group who sometimes orders chicken nuggets off the kid menu when we go anywhere that isn’t pizza or steak. And I think ham, pork, and bacon being three separate items was kinda bullshit.

So, what’s your score?

Hello, 2018

My husband thinks I’m weird. Again. Shockingly, after being together for almost 13 years, I can still manage to surprise him with my weirdness. This time it was because I commented, “Thank God, I hate odd-numbered years” after the ball dropped and we welcomed 2018. You’d think that for a guy who gets irritated when he finds out that I stopped pumping my gas at the $12.97 mark instead of the $13.00 mark, that he’d somewhat understand. But  nope.

So that’s how my 2018 started, which was probably better than how we’ve previously rung in the New Year — with drunk people who had access to fireworks, firearms, and Fireball. Yikes. We watched part of the new Dave Chappelle special on Netflix, switched over to watch the ball drop, argued for a few minutes, and then finished the special. Obligatory “we’re officially old” comment. And then my husband turned 40 yesterday, so the oldness is legit on his behalf, and now I’m old by association.

Little Man and I talked about writing down New Year’s resolutions, but we didn’t. Considering that both of us essentially had “be organized and get shit done” as one of our goals (his was phrased less cursey), it appears that we aren’t off to a great start.

I had a few goals last year, some I was successful with and some I wasn’t. The main goals was actually losing more weight, which I did. I was down almost 40 pounds when Thanksgiving rolled around. And then after Thanksgiving, my extended birthday weekend, the cruise, multiple Christmas get-togethers, and my husband’s birthday, it’s more like 35. Now it’s time to get back to it. Another goal was to open an Etsy shop, which I did. I only had a few sales (most of my sales were from my Facebook page), but I was able to check that off at least.

Now for some positives from 2017 that weren’t really goals. I was hired for a new job about a month ago. (And got offered for two others I applied for within the same week, go figure!) Typical work from home content writer, part-time, flexible schedule deal. It’s more hours than the other freelance gigs I’ve had in a while, and I’m still trying to get adjusted to that. I like more hours, but finding the quiet time I need to write has been tough, especially with the kids out of school. Note to self: maybe don’t start a new job during the busiest time of the year.

The positive thing that I’m most excited about from 2017 — I was recommended for cochlear implant surgery and will get implanted this month. The insurance company denied it at first and gave the two most bullshit reasons ever, but after a peer-to-peer with my doctor, they approved it, so yay! The doctor said it isn’t guaranteed to work well and that it could take up to a year to see max benefits, but I’m hopeful. Worst case scenario (assuming I don’t die or get meningitis and then die), is that I lose the residual hearing in that ear and am in about the same place I am now. Best case — through rehab and relearning to hear in that ear, I might get close to normal hearing in that ear. The risk is worth it.

This is a big deal, since it recently hit me how much of a struggle it would be with most traditional jobs (Baby Girl will start kindergarten fall of next year), struggling with using the phone, not being able to hear most conversations with background noise, etc. If the implant works, I’ll have more options as far as job opportunities go, plus it’d be nice not to depend on my husband so much.

So, hello 2018 — bring it on.

Any goals for your year or are you just gonna keep on keepin’ on? 

Share Your World – May 22

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What one thing have you not done that you really want to do?

Publish a book. Well, finish writing and then publish a book. I’m fine with self-publishing, just as long as I complete a writing project and get something out there.

How often do you get a haircut?

Usually every six months or so. I hate getting haircuts, so unless I’m getting color touched up (and I’ve been color-free for over a year), then I’ll put getting trims/cuts off as long as possible.

In regards to puzzle what’s your choice: jigsaw, crossword, word search or numeric puzzles?

Word search. I can finish those ridiculously fast, so I’m cool with those, but I don’t have a bit of patience for doing the other ones since they take longer.

How many cities have you lived? You can share the number of physical residences and/or the number of cities.

If you count the two places I lived before I turned six months old, then I’ve lived in four cities/towns. If you’re only going by the places that I’ve been a legit resident of, then it’s just two.

Optional Bonus question: What are you grateful for from last week, and what are you looking forward to in the week coming up?

I was extremely grateful to get away with my husband over the weekend. We went to the beach to celebrate our anniversary, and it was so relaxing. We hung out on the beach or by the pool and had adult beverages and tasty food. I finished reading a book and listened to some music with my toes in the sand. It was heaven.

For the week coming up, I’m looking forward to Little Man’s toga party tomorrow. First the kids will do a condensed version of Julius Caesar (Little Man is Cassius) and then they’ll have their toga party. I got his costume together tonight, and he pulls it off quite well.

I’m also looking forward to LM finishing up third grade this week. It’ll be nice to have him home full-time again, plus we have so many plans for the summer. It’s kinda bittersweet, though — he’ll be wrapping up the year with an amazing teacher and my baby will only have two years of elementary school left. He was just in first grade when I started this blog. Crazy how time flies!

The Share Your World challenge is hosted by Cee’s Photography blog.

 

Share Your World – May 15

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How many languages do you you speak?

Just the one. I can usually make out what I’m reading in Spanish thanks to all of the Spanish classes required for my English degree, but that’s about it.

What are you reading, watching, listening to, eating?

Reading – Tina Fey’s Bossypants.
Watching – I’m in between TV show binges right now.
Listening to – This amazing song called I Was Born.
Eating – I just finished a turkey sandwich.

What was the last photo you took with your phone?

Scrolling past a few pictures that show too much identifying info, I’ll go with one that Little Man took on Saturday evening. I saw something moving outside and thought it was a bobcat, then a coyote, then a fox, and then — after getting everyone excited — Sam pointed out that it was in fact a fat cat. Little Man tried to take a picture before Sam burst our bubble, but you can’t see anything.

Like the little dinosaur in our windowsill?

What is your favorite time of day?

Would it sound awful if I said “after the kids are down for bed”? Yeah? Then I’ll go with around 3:00, which is when I pick up Little Man from school. It’s nice to have the band back together again. 😉

The Share Your World Challenge is hosted by Cee’s Photography Blog