Weirdos Visit Again

Normally I wouldn’t do another search terms post within 24 hours of the last one, but, jeez, I have to.

In case this individual ever comes back, I’ll answer that —

Does Captain Morgan make your breath smell after drinking it? (I’m gonna assume that’s what this person meant.) Yes. And if you drink too much of it, like I did that one time, your breath will smell significantly worse than like spiced rum.

On the off-chance this person meant “Does the Captain himself have the ability to smell after drinking,” then I don’t see why alcohol would cause him to lose his olfactory sense. Although, I suppose it’s possible if the Captain gets blackout drunk — he wouldn’t be smelling anything then.

Oh! And I figured out why I keep getting porn hits. I forgot that I had a) written a post about the time I took porn to school while teaching and b) include a “What’s Your Porn Name?” quiz in a post. And here I am calling other people weirdos.

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I Said What?

Some odd people visit my blog, and I don’t just mean those of you who pop in on a regular basis. More often that not, the terms search terms WordPress shows me that people used to get to this blog are fairly unusual. Sometimes they’re downright creepy. (Thank god I can’t see them all, or I might GTFO.)

This is my March so far. (And I don’t know Peter Kay is.)

I don’t recall posting the last thing on this blog, but I suppose it isn’t untrue.

Dummies And DMX

Like other toddlers, Baby Girl has the uncanny ability to pick up on every word that isn’t quite appropriate for her to say. Even if she hears it just once, her radar goes off and she adds it to her lexicon.

Bilbo had just swiped Baby Girl’s snack off the table, and after yelling at him, she said, “Bilbo a dummy!”

I’d be irritated, too, but that was a bit harsh. “We don’t say ‘dummy’ Baby Girl, that’s not nice,” I told her. “Did you hear someone say it at school?”

“No, Mommy, I hear Daddy say dummy,” she answered.

“Ha ha! It wasn’t me this time!” Little Man, who has been getting lectured over certain words he’s taught Baby Girl, exclaimed. “Oooooooh, Daddy is in trouble! He called Bilbo a dummy when he wouldn’t come inside last night.”

I called Sam in to explain the situation and ask if that were true, figuring that he’d take a hint and say that he shouldn’t have called the dog a dummy.

“Yeah, I called him a dummy, because he is a dummy. He wouldn’t come inside when it was raining.”

I sighed. “But is that a nice word to use when talking about our dog?”

“It’s true.”

Little Man giggled. I sighed a bit louder and gave Sam the look.

“Baby Girl, Daddy shouldn’t have called Bilbo a ‘dummy.’ That wasn’t nice, okay? You don’t go around calling people dummies,” Sam told her.

“Dummy,” she said, with a grin on her face.

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A little while later, I was helping Little Man with his homework. He had a thick math packet to complete from when he was absent. I helped him through it, but not without him trying to drive me crazy by getting out of his seat every five seconds to check on something or pee or get a drink or see what Baby Girl was doing with the tablet or to get a snack… It didn’t help that Baby Girl kept interrupting us with her list of demands. “Mommy, you get my milk, please. Mommy, I want a cereal bar. Mommy, I want my favorite sucker. Mommy, I want a THAT.” (When she’s not sure what she wants, she’ll ask for a “THAT” and wait for me to suggest things that she could possibly want.)

“Y’all gonna make me lose my mind up in here, up in here. Y’all gonna make me act a fool, up in here, up in here. Y’all gonna make me lose my cool, up in here, up in here,” I sang. This was better than saying other words.

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“Ooh, what song was that?” Little Man wanted to know.

“The theme song to my life. I don’t know, the name is Y’all Gonna Make Me Lose My Mind or something. Let me look it up on YouTube.”

So I did. And I started playing it and then Little Man started break dancing. And then Sam came back in.

“Oh, my god, E, what are you letting them listen to?!” He rushed over to the computer.

“That Y’all Gonna Make Me Lose My Mind song. Why?”

He close the tab with the song playing. “Did you not hear the words he was saying?”

“Just the opening part.”

He whispered some of the rest of the song in my ear. (You can read the lyrics here.) Yikes. Luckily LM couldn’t understand any more of the song, either.

“So, dear, you do realize that you were just riding me about saying ‘dummy’ around Baby Girl, right?” Sam asked. “And then you play a really explicit DMX song to them a few minutes later?”

Hmph.

Things Kids Do Thursday: Moves Like Prince

Today I’m changing up things a bit. Instead of doing a “Things Kids Say” post, I’m going with a “Things Kids Do” post.

Sam was watching music on YouTube with Little Man when he came across a Prince video. He and some other guys were cover a song (I’ll post it at the bottom), and at the end of the song, Prince throws the guitar in the air and walks off.

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Little Man liked it so much that he wanted to listen to the song again, and while it was playing, he pretended a wood souvenir baseball bat was a guitar and played along. (Side note: LM sometimes carries this bat around and does Harley Quinn impersonations.) My husband was loving that LM was so into Prince. “He’s gonna have good taste in music, unlike his mama.” Burn.

And then the end of the song comes. Little Man, who was still being a cool dude and shredding the guitar, decides to continue copying Prince and throws the bat in the air and attempts to walk off. Unfortunately for him, he threw it forward a bit and the bat landed on his head.

Sam broke one of the cardinal rules of parenting — check and make sure your kid is fine before laughing at them — and nearly fell in the floor because he was laughing so hard. (Little Man was fine, aside from being annoyed at Sam.) At least he didn’t have his real guitar.

Funny Friday: Valium

So, my husband had a vasectomy this morning. The procedure was a breeze, and he’s fine, aside from feeling a little embarrassed at some things he said. He had to take a Valium before the procedure, and his comments reminded me of the time he was drugged up and had his wisdom teeth out. I had no choice but to write them down, of course.

Regarding another urologist who walked into the building:

That man looks way too happy to be doing his job. 

After a bunch of nurses walked in, he loudly remarked:

That’s way too many white people. ???

When his urologist entered:

Look it’s the man whose gonna cut open my penis! I hope you don’t take too much!

On a female patient who came in:

You think that woman’s gonna get a vasectomy? **Giggles.** Ask her. Ask her.

Thoughts on Valium, while kicked back in a chair in the waiting room:

I could go through life like this. I wouldn’t be useless either. 

Regarding a nurse who came in only five minutes early.

That woman’s late for her work. That’s unacceptable. 

I have no idea what this one was about:

I’m not gonna say what I want to say. All these bitches walking around.

To the doctor:

I need to get my hands on some more of these valiums.

After the procedure was over:

Oh, yeah! I got the snip-snip-sniparoo! No more babies for you.