Time For A Change

I’m thinking it may be time to look for a new psychiatrist. I liked my current one a lot at first — she actually listened and took things seriously — but things have been kinda weird lately. There are a lot of little things, but one of the most bizarre is this — she has changed practices twice in one year, and the last time her patients weren’t notified. It was bizarre, going in for an appointment, signing in, and then being told that she had moved across town. When I got there late and explained why I was late, she was like, “Oh, yeah, we forgot to send out a notice.” Why not tell people when they get the call reminding them of their appointment time??

And there is no privacy in her new office. It’s in a building with a bunch of other businesses, so her space is very limited. In the small waiting area, the nurse checks your blood pressure, takes your weight, and talks about meds in front of the other person or two waiting. At my appointment this week, a friend of the receptionist dropped in to chat for a bit while all of that personal stuff was being taken care of.

The psychiatrist herself seems out there lately, too. Not only did she have the file for the wrong person again and talk about keeping me on meds that I’ve never taken, after she got that sorted out, she then suggested going up on my current med for no reason. (As in she hadn’t even asked whether depression was an issue at that point.) It’s so strange, because this is the psychiatrist who talked about keeping patients on the lowest therapeutic dose possible to avoid having your senses dulled to the point that you lose creativity or whatever. She spent much of the short appointment talking about her new art classes, even when I tried to bring up increased anxiety symptoms.

I promise I’m not just being nitpicky; this isn’t the only appointment where things have just been off in some way in the last few times I’ve been in. While I appreciate how things have improved overall since I’ve been seeing her, a lot of stuff just strikes me as being unprofessional at a minimum lately.

I’m not even sure how to address these issues, if I could work up the nerve to, anyway. (There’s no way that she can’t be aware of the issues with the office at least.) So frustrating. I dread having to search for a new psychiatrist, as the options in my area are super limited. I had to drive an hour to this one, as there is only one psychiatrist in my town. And starting from scratch with a new person would suck, but maybe not as much as the lack of privacy and everything else. At least I have six months worth of meds, so I have some time.


Updates On This And That

Outside of needing to paint some trim, the bathroom is done.

It only took another week, and then my husband had to do all of the painting because the guy took on another job and wanted to push ours back, but it is now functional and no longer a state of chaos. This has been a sucky month/almost two months, but at least it’s over and hopefully nothing else will come up this year.

So, we took the boy to his ADHD appointment last week. Aside from giving us a few tips on helping him, nothing is changing, no new medication. His doctor wants to wait until part of the way through fifth grade to see what changes before putting him on one of the more serious meds. She said since we don’t have to worry about issues cropping up with his teachers that it’d be better to wait, so wait, we will.

I also had my first mapping appointment for the implant. Things are going pretty good with that. In quiet environments, I can make out enough speech to carry on a conversation (with my good ear plugged), so that is progressing faster than I had anticipated. I even made it through one of the rehab apps already. That whole thing was kinda funny, since it was called Continents and Oceans, and you had to pick out the locations on a map, and y’all know how bad I am with geography!

My job has been put on hold temporarily. I got an email on Friday about it, something about the company merging some offices and needing to hold off on assignments. My manager said it was temporary, but I’m always wary of that with freelance positions, since shit can change overnight. Bad timing money-wise, but good timing in the sense that I was struggling to juggle all the things. Now maybe I’ll get caught up a bit.

And speaking of writing, remember how I was working on books? I haven’t touched those projects in a few days, because I started working on a children’s book. My brain is just all over the damn place! My kids have always required me to make up stories at nighttime for them instead of read a book, and Baby Girl has been requesting two stories lately. Sometimes the stories are takes on classic stories (like Goldilocks and the Three Bears, only it ends up being Baby Girl and the Three Avengers, or something like that) and sometimes the stories are legit stories.

Last week, one of the stories I made up on the spot was good enough that I could see it being published, if I can get all my ducks in a row and find an agent, figure all of that out. I’m really excited about that, and since it’s already written from start to finish, I’m optimistic about finishing editing and all that. It’s a departure from what I wanted to finish writing, but at least I completed something for a change. 😉

That’s all for now. Time to go get the girl from preschool!

ADHD Problems

I really hate to complain about my husband and son, but I’m going to anyway.

ADHD is gonna be the death of me.

My husband and son both have it and life is like this:

Food wrappers —-> floor
Clothes  —-> floor
Chores are left undone
Spill in the floor? Leave it there
Nothing is done in a timely manner
No one knows where anything is
Keys are lost, work IDs are lost, school papers are lost and WHY DOESN’T MOM/WIFE KNOW WHERE IT IS
“Insert whatever lie here” —> I said the wrong thing, sorry

Every time I say something or remind them, it’s, “Sorry…can’t help it.”

Look, I get the struggle. As someone with anxiety who is also prone to episodes of depression, I have days where the bare minimum gets done. My husband has always been good about picking up my slack with the kids and stuff when needed, too. So I know I have no right to complain about him.

But Jesus H. Christ.

I feel like I’m taking care of four toddlers. Yes, four, because the messes my husband and Little Man make are equivalent to that of at least three toddlers, plus there is Baby Girl. I literally cannot get anything done unless they leave the house for the day, because I’m constantly interrupted and then when I do get one thing cleaned or all of the laundry folded, I walk back through the kitchen and it looks like a tornado went through just to eat some cereal and get juice. I’ve got my job (writing) plus writing projects, and I’m one of those people who really struggles to function in chaos.

Sometimes my husband tells me that I just need to be bitchier and hold them more accountable. Sigh.

I give reminders. I set specific places for them to put things. I set up an app on the devices (30/30) that gives you each task and a timer, so there is no question to what the routine is. I leave notes/post-its. I even made a laminated keychain for Little Man’s backpack reminding him what needs to be done before he leaves his classroom every day. (Do you have all papers? Have you turned in everything? Do you have your books? Do you have your lunchbox, jacket, and glasses?) You can guess how well that has gone over.

I preach being pro-active. I have to be pro-active to manage my own illness, so I know that not doing that is either going to create a bad situation or make a bad situation worse. I preach personal responsibility and being accountable for your actions/behavior. All to no avail.

So I don’t know what to do, but it’s driving me nuts and making my anxiety/irritability skyrocket. And I don’t know how much they can help it — is it all ADHD or is some of it laziness/carelessness? Can I even suggest laziness/carelessness or does that make me an uncompassionate asshole? It’s getting worse by the day it feels like with both of them. LM’s impulsiveness even created a situation where he accidentally did something that would likely have gotten any other student suspended last week.

I don’t know what LM is going to do when he gets in middle school if things don’t improve. He’ll just be one of a hundred students for each of his teachers; he’ll have his 504 Plan, but still, they aren’t going to let him get by with losing stuff and not having his materials or homework all of the time.

Tomorrow we see the behavioralist NP who has been working with him. We’ve tried three or four meds so far, and those have not helped. Maybe she’ll have some ideas for what to do now.


That’s Relevant

I saw this online about the bipolar brain. I know many who can relate to this (bipolar or not), but considering the way my brain has been going lately project-wise, I couldn’t help but chuckle since it’s so relevant.

Yes, that unfinished sentence on the third one bothers me, too.

I’m working on three projects right now. A story, a book related to my doodle blog, and then another about parenting through mental illness. The odds that I’ll finish any of these (or even be working on them by the end of the month) aren’t good, but dang, the preview mode of the e-book looks nice.

What are you working on right now?


Activation Complete

A month after having my cochlear implant surgery, the implant was activated on Friday. After the audiologist said “It’s time to turn you on…are you ready?” I kept a straight face and said that I was, and she clicked something on her computer, and boom, activation complete.

I’ve done a shit ton of reading about cochlear implants over the past few months. As with anything that I set my sights on, I completely immersed myself in all of the information available, from ear anatomy to implant brands to user experiences. My husband jokingly told the audiologist that I probably know as much as they do by now that I’ve researched so much (someone was feeling ignored).

From what the audiologist told me and from what I’ve read, there was a range of possibilities for how activation was going to go for me. It was highly unlikely that I would be able to understand words, pretty darn likely that I would hear beeping and clicks and other noises, and possible that I would hear next to nothing. Being the optimistic person I am, I put my money on hearing sounds, but the sounds being so painful that I wanted to rip the implant out.

That wasn’t the case, fortunately!

When it was turned on, it was very overwhelming at first. I definitely heard a lot of sounds, but everything was robotic sounding and hard to make out what was what. After wearing it for a few days and working with the rehab apps I was told to download, I can actually understand some words already! (I plug the ear that isn’t implanted so I can practice with the implanted ear only.) Not so much with conversations, but when my husband plays categories and says a word or two at the time, if I focus really hard, I can make it out more than half of the time. That doesn’t sound very impressive, I know, but from what I’ve read of other cochlear implant experiences, this is really good! (It can take a year+ for some people to understand words at all.)

I bought a couple of skins to jazz up my processor. The Wonder Woman skin didn’t work out, but this Rebel Alliance one turned out nicely!