Panxiety 2020

Okay, usually I use panxiety to mean a combination of a panic attack and anxiety. But in 2020, I’m redefining this to be a mashup of pandemic and anxiety.

She’s making a list, checking it twice…

And it isn’t the Christmas shopping list, the Thanksgiving grocery shopping list, or even the Christmas movie-thon list. Nope, it’s the “Psychiatrist Day list.”

(Okay, I’m just trying to be clever…of course I’ve already made those other lists. In fact, the movie list has been on my phone since 2017.)

Y’all, probably: 

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I haven’t seen my psychiatrist since January. We are supposed to check in every 3-4 months, but between the pandemic and holding off to do in-person instead of Zoom, I just haven’t gone in. And, yes, I’ve gone other places, but I was dragging my feet on driving a 2-hour round trip for a 15-minute appointment. I do a lot of that, dragging my feet. Anyway, that will change in early December since I’m finally going in then. And I’ll be prepared since I’m making a list of issues and stuff.

Things have been up and down this year, with right now being down as fuck. Depression is moderate, so that’s relatively okay, but anxiety is just awful right now. I have Xanax to take for it when it gets bad, but it doesn’t seem to help. One tablet doesn’t take the edge off and one and a half tablets just makes me super drowsy. Obviously I’m not trying to do super drowsy unless it’s bedtime. (And even then, Xanax puts me in a mini coma and makes it hard to wake up the following morning.) So something needs to change there.

Had I not already been down the “convinced it’s a heart attack and need to go to the ER” road, I would have been out of some money last week.

The anxiety aside, I just don’t feel like myself, either. I feel so flat and humorless and just…I don’t know. Where did I go? My creativity has taken a nose-dive for months now, so it’s not just pandemic stuff. I barely enjoy anything that I used to love. I’m in that place of wanting to go clean slate on the meds I take to manage bipolar and see if that gets me feeling normal. But that, of course, comes with potential issues. Something’s gotta give soon.

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The holidays coming up are not helping. I love this time of year, and they can be stressful under normal conditions, but this year — whew. Have any of y’all had the talk yet? I’m not a fan of The Talk. And that’s not, “Hey, let’s talk sex,” because that would be weird for Thanksgiving/Christmas, but, “Hey, we need to talk about how things are going to be different this year.” 

My idea: have small celebrations with the grandparents for Thanksgiving and Christmas. We take some low to moderate risks, but most of those risks involve masks and having the ability to distance or being outside and distancing. It gives us the ability to have a sense of normalcy for some situations while being mostly safe. (The exception to this has been my husband’s mom, who the rules don’t apply to in his book. Luckily we avoided her for a couple weeks before she got COVID.)

My small celebrations suggestion, apparently, is not a good idea. My husband thinks going to the various celebrations that are a) indoors, b) no one else will wear a mask, and c) range from 20-35 people is fine. No problemo, and even if there was a problemo, “the benefit outweighs the risk.” Sigh. Anytime this has come up over the past 8 months, we’ve ultimately done what he wanted. Like with his mom. (Despite him saying, “As always, we’ll do what makes you feel safe.” Except my success rate in this department is 0 percent.)

After much discussion, we will cook at home on Thanksgiving. This is mostly because of my MIL’s COVID situation. So, my MIL got COVID, and her other son ended up with COVID, because she talked him into staying with her to keep her company while she was in isolation. (And it came as a huge shock to them that he got it. They’re both doing fine, btw.) Anyway, her doctor told her to quarantine for an extra two weeks after her son’s infectious period is over, so her house is off-limits until sometime in early December. And since we can’t go to my MIL’s house, my husband doesn’t care so much about going to my family’s house. (I’m guess Christmas will be a different story if his folks are all well then.)

I told my dad we were not coming for Thanksgiving, but that we could stop by and visit that afternoon and spend a little time together and eat some pie that I’m bringing him. He went off about living in fear, the Democratic hoax that is the virus, etc. 


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And I have to go by his house this morning to drop off a phone for my stepmom since hers died, so if he’s home, I may very well see the Great Tantrum of 2020.


My kids’ school district is changing stuff up, so that’s a new set of worries, which I’ll save for later.

How is the last part of your 2020 going?

10 thoughts on “Panxiety 2020

  1. Ugh. Holidays are so difficult this year. Hubby and I are also having these talks…🤦🏼‍♀️ His family is having a large gathering (40-50 people! 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️) and I guarantee that no one will wear a mask…ugh. We planned to see my family, but we have been very careful as has my brother because we want to be able to safely visit with my mom. Hugs. I’m hoping things get better for all of us soon. 💗

    Liked by 1 person

    • Good luck to you with the talk! I don’t see “winning” on the Christmas one, especially since the Kid Card will factor into it much more so than in Thanksgiving.

      I just don’t see why folks can’t take one year off from the huge gatherings. Or make some changes to how it’s done. I asked both our families if they could do something outdoors (mine has a beautiful area for dining outside), but that didn’t go over well.


  2. Oh dear. Friend. You all need to MOVE NORTH. Just kidding I AM KIDDING.
    But for real, I am sorry you are dealing with all of this PLUS anxiety. I have serious anxiety and this year just about put me over the edge which is why I believe my migraines went into overdrive during the summer. I think my anxiety manifested into my head pain, quite honestly. And well, a lot of other stuff too I am learning. But I started taking an antidepressant for my migraines in June and that has helped me tremendously. At first, I didn’t realize it was helping until someone mentioned how they were crying daily, still. Like, now. And I was like, huh really? Then it was like a lightbulb went off. OH YEAH I AM MEDICATED! 😉
    So I am sending you healing thoughts and lots of medicated love from up north. I hope there is a light at the end of the proverbial pandemic tunnel sooner than later.

    Liked by 1 person

    • We do need to move north, though, lol! I’m over just about everything down here.

      Thank you ❤ It’s incredible how much physical shit anxiety can cause. When I went to the ER last year, among what I thought were heart attack symptoms, I couldn’t lift my damn arm. It was bewildering.

      I’m so glad you’re doing better! I hope y’all continue staying safe.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s going to be a different Christmas this year, for sure. We’ve just heard that we’ll be able to form an exclusive “three household bubble” for Christmas week, so at least we’ll be allowed to see each other indoors.
    I hope your Christmas time sorts itself out okay 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

      • It really depends on whether the police get wind of it. Each person can be liable for a £200 fine, organisers up to £10000 I believe. But the UK operates “policing by consent”, so if people are told to go home and they do, fines are not required.

        Liked by 1 person

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