ADHD Problems

I really hate to complain about my husband and son, but I’m going to anyway.

ADHD is gonna be the death of me.

My husband and son both have it and life is like this:

Food wrappers —-> floor
Clothes  —-> floor
Chores are left undone
Spill in the floor? Leave it there
Nothing is done in a timely manner
No one knows where anything is
Keys are lost, work IDs are lost, school papers are lost and WHY DOESN’T MOM/WIFE KNOW WHERE IT IS
“Insert whatever lie here” —> I said the wrong thing, sorry

Every time I say something or remind them, it’s, “Sorry…can’t help it.”

Look, I get the struggle. As someone with anxiety who is also prone to episodes of depression, I have days where the bare minimum gets done. My husband has always been good about picking up my slack with the kids and stuff when needed, too. So I know I have no right to complain about him.

But Jesus H. Christ.

I feel like I’m taking care of four toddlers. Yes, four, because the messes my husband and Little Man make are equivalent to that of at least three toddlers, plus there is Baby Girl. I literally cannot get anything done unless they leave the house for the day, because I’m constantly interrupted and then when I do get one thing cleaned or all of the laundry folded, I walk back through the kitchen and it looks like a tornado went through just to eat some cereal and get juice. I’ve got my job (writing) plus writing projects, and I’m one of those people who really struggles to function in chaos.

Sometimes my husband tells me that I just need to be bitchier and hold them more accountable. Sigh.

I give reminders. I set specific places for them to put things. I set up an app on the devices (30/30) that gives you each task and a timer, so there is no question to what the routine is. I leave notes/post-its. I even made a laminated keychain for Little Man’s backpack reminding him what needs to be done before he leaves his classroom every day. (Do you have all papers? Have you turned in everything? Do you have your books? Do you have your lunchbox, jacket, and glasses?) You can guess how well that has gone over.

I preach being pro-active. I have to be pro-active to manage my own illness, so I know that not doing that is either going to create a bad situation or make a bad situation worse. I preach personal responsibility and being accountable for your actions/behavior. All to no avail.

So I don’t know what to do, but it’s driving me nuts and making my anxiety/irritability skyrocket. And I don’t know how much they can help it — is it all ADHD or is some of it laziness/carelessness? Can I even suggest laziness/carelessness or does that make me an uncompassionate asshole? It’s getting worse by the day it feels like with both of them. LM’s impulsiveness even created a situation where he accidentally did something that would likely have gotten any other student suspended last week.

I don’t know what LM is going to do when he gets in middle school if things don’t improve. He’ll just be one of a hundred students for each of his teachers; he’ll have his 504 Plan, but still, they aren’t going to let him get by with losing stuff and not having his materials or homework all of the time.

Tomorrow we see the behavioralist NP who has been working with him. We’ve tried three or four meds so far, and those have not helped. Maybe she’ll have some ideas for what to do now.

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31 thoughts on “ADHD Problems

  1. OMG. You have just described Crash perfectly. We’ve tried 2 different meds at 2 different doses (the higher dose was worse) and neither worked. We are on the counselling route now. Fingers crossed that they can help!

    Liked by 1 person

      • We’re not seeing anyone just yet. We’re still in the intake part so I have no idea who/what kind we’ll be seeing. I saw a Ted talk once where a guy talked about procrastination and he likened it to having a monkey named “instant gratification” in your brain. I often tell Crash, “Tell the monkey to shut up until I get this done.” It makes him laugh, but it doesn’t really help him stay focused. I’m afraid he thinks his ADHD is a disability. I need to convince him otherwise.

        Liked by 1 person

        • It’s tough. I hate how it makes life so much harder for them, but I don’t want him throwing up his hands “because ADHD” either. The lady we saw today wants to hold off on trying more meds (he hasn’t tried any of the more mainstream ones like ritalin or adderall yet) until halfway through fifth grade, when we see if he matures more/copes better. Good luck!

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  2. For a long, long time, and still sometimes on occasion, my husband claimed to be my 5th kid. There are certainly times it applies.
    I can only say you’re not alone. God speed.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I can’t imagine how frustrating this must all be for you. I am probably in the category of your son/husband. I am told that I leave a trail wherever I go!

    I think that it’s important to point out that ADHD is very interest based. We do what is interesting for us. And let’s face it – chores is not interesting at all!! What has worked for me, and I am not sure if it will work for you is creating a daily schedule for myself. For example, I HAVE TO workout before 9am. I have to do my laundry on Sundays. I do not have to stop and make a decision as to what I should be doing; I know because it is on my schedule! Maybe, it can be on your child/husbands schedule that they have to pick up after themselves every 2 hours? Or have a gentle reminder? Here is a blog that I recently read that I found super helpful for the “rules” part. https://www.brightsidelearning.com/single-post/2017/04/04/Getting-Rid-of-the-Homework-Wars-Part-II-The-Schedule This blog is talking about homework but you can really apply it to anything, like chores! 🙂

    Also, I am thinking back into my life and my mom would get upset with me and pick up/clean up after me before I even had a chance to do it. I always thought that if she would have just waited an extra 30 minutes I would have done it! It would make it extremely hard with your anxiety and it also depends on your family members but it really sounds like you need a break from picking up after your family 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for this response! That was very helpful to read about it from the perspective of someone with ADHD, since my husband and son don’t really say much other than “sorry” or “didn’t mean to.” We saw my son’s behavioralist today and she suggested that we focus on one thing per month (like starting with having all of his papers from school) and make that one thing into a routine and then move on to something else. So hearing the routine thing from you too is helpful! I’ll try to get my husband on board for doing that himself, I’m sure my son seeing they’re both in it together would be helpful. ❤

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  4. I don’t have ADHD, but ADD my brother has ADHD though. I can only imagine how hard it must be to live with someone who has one of these two, based on what I hear from my father. It must be hard. In my experience we organize and even think different. Our minds jump from one topic to the other, seemingly without connection, but that’s not true. There is not much known about these Syndroms but it is believed to be connected to dopamine. I am not good at experixplainig this, but I’ll try my best. The theory goes that the function to filter the information relayed to our conscious is somehow hindered. We get overloaded with unnecessary information a ‘normal’ people’s brain would have filtert out. We have a hard time deciding wich information is important an wich one not, because we have to do that consciously. Often making us swith between things halve done. We can’t turn that of, even if we are genaraly aware of our behavior, wich makes us feel bad. That’s why they say sorry so often and still there is no change.
    For the small one I think it could be good to find creative ways for him to do things or find a motivation ( I don’t know how old he is, but in my therapy I had to do worksheets to help a dragon wich motivated me to actually do them). Something that is also very important (I don’t know how much you already do this) is to reward them if they overcame their ADHD abd did something even just something small. And a smile or a hug is enough as a reward. As someone with ADD I received a lot of negative feedback in my daily life. In school, from friends even from strangers. ADD and ADHD themselves aren’t that bad on their own, I wouldn’t want to be ‘cured’ if that was possible. It is part of who I am, but they don’t work well with our society today. It will always be problematic, but people can learn to live with it. I think it would be good if you talked to them and ask them how they feel, how they see things.
    I hope this was of some help and not to chaotic. I apologize for any spelling or grammar mistakes, I am not a native speaker.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks for your perspective on this! That is a good explanation re: the I’m sorry stuff. I do try to offer a lot of positive reinforcement to my son, but it seems things are just getting worse instead of better. He just turned 10, though, so some of that may just be an age thing, since I know kids that age are nearing puberty and starting to go through changes.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Kathryn Osmond says:

    I have it myself. It’s true- you do need to be extra hard on people like me. The best thing my husband (or I..) did was read the book “Is it you, me or adult A.D.D.” — it gave me so much insight into how annoying I actually am to be married to!!! yikes.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh my goodness I can relate with this so much!

    One thing Ive learned is I MUST take care of myself (especially my own health) and when I do that my household seems to follow suit. So when Im feeling good and getting sleep, making self care a priority – the after affects spill over into my family and we have a much more successful day/week/month. It can be SO frustrating though, especially as the mom. One thing that helped us in a massive way for both my health and my son’s (then our family) was using essential oils as a natural way to support our emotional and physical health. They’ve helped me so much!

    The other thing we are working on is – we did a massive purge in the basement (out of our control had a flood) and this helped us continue in the rest of our home to purge without emotions. Having much less has helped there be less on the floor because things have a place. If it doesn’t have a place we figure out why or if we really need it. It takes a LOT of reminders some days, however now looking back over the last few years I realize just how far we’ve all come.

    It can get better. Involve the entire family in strategies and ask their opinion. This also has helped us, asking the kids their opinion or what they would find helpful.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I like the idea of purging. Simplifying things around here would make things easier on us all. LM has been a little more on top of things lately, sticking with that 30/30 app, so that’s a start!

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  7. Hey, hope you are doing well.

    I invite you to read a post of mine where I am gathering warriors facing mental health challenges 1st hand to educate people, to raise awareness and acceptance.

    I need help from you in breaking stigma.

    Here is the link to post.. https://stoneronarollercoaster.wordpress.com/2018/04/27/mental-health-awareness/

    Your participation can make a huge difference in someone’s life.

    Thank you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I can totally relate to this!
    If it is not interesting or exciting it seems impossible to do
    I learnt i had ADHD in adulthood and the main reason i fought for a diagnosis is because my life was so unorganised and basically chaotic!
    Having a strict routine in my life is key otherwise it falls to pieces
    I started blogging to understand myself more
    The blog you shared was very helpful, thanks

    Liked by 1 person

    • Blogging is definitely great for that! I noticed by the end of the school year that — after continuing to use the 50/50 app to help with his routines — that he did much better with them. Not so much in other areas, but any improvement is great!

      Liked by 1 person

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