[This whole post may be a little TMI — or straight up weird — for some of y’all, so between this warning and the title, read at your own discretion.]
My friends and I give each other hell quite often. Sometimes it’s over things that happened ages ago — like my slurring and saying that I was sharp as a dick instead of sharp as a tack — and sometimes it’s over more embarrassing stuff that I should absolutely write about here sometimes.
One thing in particular that we like to harp on is a habit my husband has. Since my husband doesn’t read this blog unless I send him a direct link to a post, I have no problem talking about his little habit here.
One night at my friend’s house a couple of years ago, she left her bathroom and asked, “Y’all, why are there footprints on my toilet seat?”
This was just an adults only cookout, so drinks were involved, and when drinks are involved with these people, you never know what’s going to happen, but usually whatever comes up isn’t quite that odd.
We all looked around at each other, wondering who stood on my friend’s toilet — and for what reason.
“Well, I knocked off your shower rod and curtain,” my brother offered. “But I didn’t have to stand on your toilet to fix it.
Then it dawned on me.
“It’s him!” I said loudly, pointing at Sam. (A: Yeah, that probably lost me wife points. B: I can be trusted any with serious secret you tell me, but if you tell me something that’s hilarious, there’s a chance it might come out over drinks.)
My friend laughed, thinking I was giving Sam a hard time, until she noticed the dirty look he was giving me. She knew then that he was indeed the culprit of the footprints on her toilet seat.
“Sam, why are you standing on my toilet seat?!” she asked, looking at him incredulously.
He wouldn’t say anything at first, so I did.
“He thinks it helps him poop better.”
This elicited a round of “Whats” and guffaws from the rest of the group.
Finally Sam spoke. “I don’t stand on the toilet, okay? I squat on the toilet. You get a lot more out that way.”
Naturally, we all told him that he was full of it.
My friend told her that she didn’t care what he does on his toilet, but not to be putting his dirty feet on her toilet to try to get more out. Between the butt plug she found in her toilet tank a few years ago, she’s already had enough weird shit going on in that bathroom.
“So, Sam, you’re perched up there like a gargoyle, pretty much?” another friend asked, teasing.
Sam took it all in good stride, while reminding us every so often that he’s the only one in our little group who has good BMs. (And this is probably why all of our adult interactions that don’t involve kid stuff are limited to this one small group that wouldn’t run for the hills over some of the stuff we talk about.)
Like I said, that was at least two years ago. In the last few weeks, I’ve discovered that Sam wasn’t exactly wrong. Weird, yes, but not wrong. Not only did I read an article that talks about the benefits of squatting to poop, there is also a nifty little potty companion that helps you achieve super BM benefits without going gargoyle style on your toilet.
I’ve never seen such a look of smugness as when I showed that link to Sam. We discussed this at the party on Saturday, and while Sam was in “how do you like me now?” mode, that still didn’t stop us from still giving him hell for perching on the throne. What are friends for, amirite?
Also, we’ve decided to all chip in and buy the squatty potty for Sam for Christmas. We’re lovely people, in case you haven’t figured that out. Don’tcha wanna hang out with us?
For what it’s worth, I suspect that a $3 footstool from WalMart would achieve the same effect, but when it’s Christmas, you do things up right.
So, weird blog topic, but now you’ve possibly learned something that you probably didn’t expect to learn on this blog and have an idea for your Christmas shopping. Would #winning be inappropriate?
What’s the strangest thing you’ve ever caught someone doing in your house?