The Red Candy Cane

Little Man’s Christmas program was tonight. I was mistaken–he wasn’t a green candy cane. He was a red candy cane. Call your kid the wrong color candy cane and you’ll get corrected pretty damn quick (and not with much Christmas spirit, either).

A little backstory…

While my son has a lot of teachers he likes, he’s not a fan of the teacher that coordinated everything for the program. “I can’t stand her. She screams all the time! I’m like ‘lord, can’t you just use your inside voice?'” LM told a week after starting the school in first grade.

Sam asked the school principal about her shortly thereafter, and he assured him and LM that the teacher wasn’t yelling at him. “She just has a super loud voice,” he said. We witnessed the voice first hand at the fun run. I had just walked up with Baby Girl and this booming voice yelled out, “HEY YOU! YOU DOING FRUIT OR WATER?”

I looked around and saw this slight, older woman on a cane coming towards me. “SO? YOU DOING FRUIT OR WATER?”

I gave her a dirty look. Why the fuck was she yelling at me? At that moment, she turned around and yelled at the principal. “YOU NEED TO PUT THOSE SPEAKERS OVER THERE.” He was ten feet away. Then I realized that she was the teacher LM had been talking about. Good god. If her voice hurt the ears of someone who has sucky hearing, I can only imagine how it must really bother LM, who has very sensitive hearing. My husband said she reminded him of Sergeant Carter from Gomer Pyle.

Here’s a video in case you’re like me and don’t know who that is.

So, as I said, this woman was in charge of the Christmas Program. They started practicing a couple months ago.

“Mom, Mrs. P said that everyone has to come to the program,” Little Man told me a couple weeks after they started practicing. “Everyone. She said she doesn’t care if they’ve been sick with the flu for a week, they better be at this program that we’re working so hard on.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah…she can’t do that, right? If I’m sick, she can’t make me go…right?” It’s not that he was looking for an out–he was legit concerned about this.

I shook my head. “I’m your mom. If you’re sick, you stay home, period. But let’s not worry about that.”

“Well, she said…”

“She probably just told the kids they all have to show up and someone started the What Ifs. She can’t make a sick child come.”

Little Man smiled. “Good, I’m gonna tell her that.”

“Please don’t.”

Fast forward to last night. Mrs. P had sent home a list of what everyone was supposed to wear, so Sam and I were double checking to make sure there wasn’t anything I needed to pick up when I went shopping.

So, what does one require to transform into a green red candy cane?

“He needs a white long-sleeve t-shirt and khaki shorts–the school will supply the rest,” I told my husband.


“Shorts. It says they’ll have red knee socks to wear, too.”

“But it’s December.”

I sighed. “I know. But are you going to argue with Mrs. P over this?”

He sighed. “Well, we could just send him in khaki pants. What’s she gonna do?”

“Probably grab a pair of scissors and cut them off at the knee?” That’s really not much of an exaggeration. She threatened to make LM sit out of their version of PE because he didn’t have the right sneakers. She even amended her rubric type thing this year to exclude his Converse shoes.

“What about the shirt?” Sam asked.

“Well…LM has an off-white long-sleeve thermal and an off-white pullover.”

We both looked at each other.

“So I’ll just go to Walmart tomorrow and grab a plain white long sleeve t-shirt,” I said.

Illness? Hypothermia? Spending extra money on a shirt LM doesn’t really need? Whatever, we’ll risk it instead of facing Mrs. P’s wrath.

You’re probably wondering how the program went by now. Well, there was a mini crisis when I forgot to bring LM’s khaki shorts — those oh-so-fucking-important shorts that we likely wouldn’t be able to quickly replace since, ya know, it’s almost winter. We had to rush to Walmart (didn’t have time to go back home) and found the last pair that was sorta his size–an 8 husky. When I say “sorta,” I mean “my son could wear a 6 in the waist (but not length-wise) and it was a Christmas miracle that the belt held these things up.” The funny thing was that half the kids were wearing the exact same shorts with the crease, so we weren’t the only ones who had to make a WM run.

Now for the program–it went very well. Little Man did wonderful in his job as a red candy cane. He sang the songs and did the little dances and did the Anxious name proud!


30 thoughts on “The Red Candy Cane

  1. _Marielli says:

    Omg he looks so cute love the outfit and he was too serious about that teacher being so loud shit I hated my teachers big mouth too it was so screechy and annoying sounding 😩

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Adorable Candy Cane 🙂
    I haven’t had the too loud teacher. Never even met one. But I’ve heard they’re out there. O_O
    I remember long ago my son was in a program where they could wear only red or green, and all the girls had to wear white. Bubba was a blue and black fella, so I had to go fetch a red shirt, and like you, I must have seen half a dozen boys in the same red thermal from the bloody buggery Walmart. Kinda made me chuckle. I never mind the dress requirements as long as I’m given good notice. Also, I’m laughing at hypothermia. 1) You live in The South 2) You have a daughter, which will no doubt result in many years of tights through the winter 3) You live in THE SOUTH! lololol
    PS: Moo’s music shirts are hideous this year. Just hideous. On Thursday, Moo will be singin, and playin bongos and the xylophone — but her shirt will be LOUDER. lol

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Just Plain Ol' Vic says:

    GREAT STORY THANKS FOR SHARING! (I’m yelling…get it…um, never mind…). I bet he was the awesomest red candy cane ever!


  4. Mrs. Please sounds like a nightmare to deal with. I always wonder why they have to make so much fuss on clothing and then expect us to do miracles just to get that one bloody outfit right which they only would wear once! We huff and we puff but we parents still go through hoops for that and spending unnecessary money. You did well and I’m sure you can’t be prouder of your personal red candy cane! 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I too can’t stand loud talking and my kids both have that auditory defensiveness going on. My son’s teacher last year was kind but not quiet. When I had to be around her for a field trip my ears were bleeding. I know she didn’t sound loud to herself because she talked to everyone that way. I understand why my son had to take as many sensory breaks as he did his classroom was deafening at times. Congratulations to your red candy cane son. I get to experience that Christmas hoopla next week. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

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