A Mental Health Santa List

For the past few weeks, my husband has played Radiohead’s No Surprises when rocking Baby Girl at night. It plays over and over until she falls asleep. Every night he’s played the song, a super depressed feeling hits me right around the chorus.

Weird, I thought the first few times. But then I started wondering why and it hit me–the last time that song got stuck on repeat like that was when I was going through a really bad depressive period earlier this year.

After maxing out Wellbutrin and Zoloft and feeling even more depressed, my doctor switched me over to Effexor. That made things even worse, and I decided to quit that, on top of the sleep pill and anxiety pill I was taking regularly at the time.

Not a great idea. At all.

Between barely sleeping for days, the depression, feeling like I had the flu, experiencing brain zap after brain zap, and generally feeling like I was coming out of my skin, things sucked. Towards the end of that withdrawal period, Baby Girl got sick and I was up all night with her sleeping on my chest in the recliner.

That song was playing the entire time.

The only thing that’s more maddening than all of the withdrawal stuff and being up all night again is both of those things while hearing the same song at least 50 times back to back.

While thinking about that, I realized that it’s been almost seven months since I was diagnosed with Bipolar II and started the mood stabilizers. That doesn’t seem like a long time, but it’s just under half of Baby Girl’s life. And it’s been almost five months for therapy.

A lot has happened this year mental health wise. Hopefully next year will be more boring on that front.

While on the mental health stuff, I have an appointment with the shrink coming up next week, so I’ve got to start analyzing the past four months and figure out what I’m going to say. My mood chart has been all over the place for the most part, so I’m not sure there’s any point in continuing that. It’d be great if I could pick up on some trends, but there’s nothing there.

Off the top of my head, there are some things I’d like to see change: the number of nightmares and times I wake up throughout the night with anxiety attacks reduced; a decrease in anxiety (which gets worse at night); less mood swings, especially the ones throughout the day; more consistent “normal” feeling (which I had for a solid 2-3 weeks); less days where I feel completely depressed.

Do I sound like the kid who puts a ton of super expensive toys that his parents couldn’t possibly afford on his Santa list?

Hopefully the shrink will be able to figure something out at least on the sleep front. If that’s improved, then maybe I’ll see improvement with the other things.

Well, I’m off to get myself ready for a Halloween party Sam and I are attending tonight. I couldn’t come up with anything interesting this year, but I did find a hat and beard combo at Target, so I decided to go as E the Dude. I’m sure I’ll write a post either talking about having an amazing time or complaining about social shit tomorrow. 🙂



19 thoughts on “A Mental Health Santa List

    • Thanks. Things are better across the board, but there’s still a lot of room for improvement. The song effect is temporary, but anything that helps get the little one to sleep relatively quickly is worth it.


    • I get that, not at all. I’ll hold out for improving one area and then maybe we can focus on others after that. I’m so hesitant to change the meds up much since it’s working much better than before ya know.


  1. I’m always wishing you well(er.)
    Funny how music can do that, ever so subconsciously even. If we want Moo to go to sleep, we put on her sleepy cds from babyhood or turn on MSN. Never fails — the brain remembers 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Nice wishlist. Won’t find those in any catalog! And like Joey said, interesting how the brain remembers even if we don’t. Hope the party was fun, but either way it sounds like we’ll be treated to a good story 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I want those toys too. There’s nothing wrong with wanting those toys. And thankfully our shrinks aren’t Santa ’cause they suck. Well. Not all. I’m just bitter about them in general. Only ever liked one of them. XD

    Liked by 1 person

  4. “Hopefully next year will be more boring on that front.” Boy howdy, do I know that feeling! I am wishing that for you as well, and to some resolution on the sleep front. Which, as you say, absolutely helps with everything else.

    Liked by 1 person

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