It’s Time For Hell House

If you live in a conservative community like I do, you’ve probably seen a handful of churches advertising these attractions you can visit from mid to late October, where you go inside a decorated place to get a fright.

No, these attractions aren’t haunted houses–they’re called Hell Houses, and they’re “designed to save your soul.” They have absolutely nothing to do with Halloween fun, since celebrating Halloween is a sin.

Never been to a Hell House? Lucky you! I’ll describe the one I visited with my Dad when I was a teenager (we went just to check it out, not to divert my soul from going to Hell), that way if you happen to see one advertised, you won’t mistakenly think you’re going to partake in Halloween fun when you’re not.


You’ll go in several rooms where you’ll witness “actors” (mostly middle school to high school age kids) portraying people who never accepted Jesus, like the atheists and folks from other religions, or people who have participated in a variety of other sins, but are too far gone to be redeemed. You might see drunk people, people who have had premarital sex (they’ll be under the sheets and much will be made of the lack of wedding bands!), had abortions (don’t fucking ask for the details of this), got divorced, are gay, gamble, watch porn, murdered someone, or otherwise engaged in activities that didn’t glorify God.

After seeing all this sinfulness, you get to a room that is actually Hell (as no Hell House worth its salt would be without it), which is complete with a fog machine, red lights, and a dude dressed something like this:


Darth Maul, that you bro?

And guess who else is in Hell? Almost all of the sinners mentioned above (the people in the last room scurry in to take their place in Hell a little late). They’re on the ground writhing in agony, begging God to forgive them, and screaming about how they wish they’d never had that abortion, had that drink, or killed that person.

But, wait! It isn’t too late for you!

After watching the sins and checking out people suffering in Hell, you get to a room that has white sheets draped everywhere. There’s canned harp music, candles, angels dressed in white sweatpants and sweatshirts, and, of course, Jesus. Jesus has the white robe, long blonde hair, a patchy goatee, and is inviting everyone in there not to make the same mistakes the folks in Hell made.

After fake Jesus gives his speech, the pastor comes out. Cheesy pop Christian music starts playing, and the pastor invites everyone to accept the Lord. If you accept or have already accepted and want to renew your relationship, you get down on your knees and pray (and you damn well better pick one, otherwise the show won’t get on the road). And, on the way out, you’ll be offered a bulletin so you’ll know when church services are and will be told to feel free to make a donation (on top of the $12 admission), if your heart was moved by what you saw (in other words, your ass belongs with the sinners on the carpeted floor of Hell if you don’t cough up some change).

Sound like fun?

[I’ll go ahead and apologize if this post offends anyone, but this type of thing offends me, so I guess we’re even.]


43 thoughts on “It’s Time For Hell House

  1. NotAPunkRocker says:

    Oh, I always thought Hell House was the house in the neighborhood that purported to not celebrate “the devil’s holiday” but still lured kids in with Veggie Tales or autumnal decorations and gave them tracts instead of candy.

    Actually, I’ve been to both of these.

    Do you also go to the walk-through live Nativity in December? Same concept, less Hell.

    Liked by 2 people

    • You mean that thing where we are told to “keep Christ in Christmas” and “fuck happy holidays” at the end?

      There’s a walk-through near our house that my dad pestered us to death about going to a couple years ago. So boring. But the part at the end where an angel flew in on this pulley thing and they almost dropped her made me laugh my ass off (and get branded a heathen for life).

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Oh my word.
    I had no idea.
    Even my in-laws’ church doesn’t do a Hell House. Good gravy. I’m reeling.
    I’ll be sending Moo there for trunk-or-treat. She loves Jesus, donuts, dressing up, singing, socializing, and candy, so that’s nice for my in-laws ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Liked by 3 people

  3. My wife and I watched a documentary a few years ago on this very thing. We howled with laughter and were practically shocked speechless at the offensive nature of this concept. What really saddened me though was the level of stupidity required in order to construct such simplistic and silly concepts about the nature of good and evil.

    Liked by 3 people

      • lol,

        in a way, i am glad to be a cradle catholic. i find the intense fire and brimstone speech to be too scary. it reminds me how broken i am and how i am surely headed to a fiery hell. hell, i even feel massively uncomfortable if someone heavily proselytizes me. i can only imagine it’s a good thing i didn’t grow up in the deep south. i much prefer the forgiving god I have grown to know.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. lolabipola says:

    Wow. That’s fucked up. Like, for realz fucked up. I’m a Christian (hahaha, no really, I am – don’t judge ๐Ÿ˜‰ ) and that concept just makes me sick to the fuckin stomach.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. We either don’t have these around here, or I don’t pay close enough attention. But no way I could keep a straight face through that three hour tour. I’m sure this is brought to us by the same people who drop that church literature in the middle of Mecca disguised as a lost $20 bill…

    Liked by 1 person

    • A $20? You’re getting screwed. We get the &1,000,000 bills here. The look on LM’s face that time when we had to tell him the million dollar bill that had been shoved in his hand was fake.


  6. These Hell Houses sound completely demented!!!! What the Hell (tee-hee, I think I made a pun). Have any of these religious crazies ever stepped back and really looked at what they are doing? These houses sound like those LSD/hypnosis experiments that never happened (but really did). Brainwashing at its most psychotic!!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. the-reluctant-parent says:

    I found this quite offensible probably for the same reasons you did. these kinds of religious theatrical stunts are designed just for show and nothing more than to guilt people into believing in a nebulous God who implores you to have a “personal relationship” provided you follow all the rules, and if you don’t, you’ll be right on that metaphorical carpet in a hell of your own making because you didn’t subscribe to the teachings of a book of historical fiction.

    And for those who are offended by my comment and if you’re one of the Christians who follows your conscience, loves people for who they are and isn’t all theatrical about your belief system, this obviously isn’t aimed at you but rather, the people who have perverted a religion for their own personal, financial, and even political gain and I believe Jesus referred to these sorts of people as “white washed tombs”.

    Liked by 1 person

    • As a Christian, I feel exactly the same as you. It’s part of the reason why I want little to do with organized religion. I’m content to study the Gospels, try to take the example Jesus set, and leave it at that.


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