I’m Smaug, Bitches!

This is a letter to my 31 years, 9 months, and 18 days self.

The kids are staying with their grandparents tonight and your friends will invite you over for a last minute cookout. You’ll be excited, as you haven’t hung out with these friends in a while.

At first, you’ll regret agreeing to come, because anxiety. But then that’ll wear off with the help of a rum drink.

You’ll feel relaxed and have a great time, and at some point, one of your friends will have everyoneย gather around for shots. Now, you typically don’t do shots, as you suck at doing them and can’t stand the taste of most liquors. But then you see that your friend has brought out Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey, and you think “Ooh, yum, I haven’t had this since college, bring it on!”

So you do one shot, and then another, and then the small bottle is empty, but your friend says, “Wait, I’ve got another bottle!” and you finish that one off together.

At a point, you expel a breath of air and shout, “I’m Smaug, bitches!”

And the rest of the night is a lot of fun. In fact, you don’t feel too drunk, despite having two large mixed drinks, two jello shots, and at least five shots of cinnamon whiskey in the span of about 5 hours.

You’ll go home and go to bed. And two hours later, you’ll wake up as sick as a dog.

Yourย 31 years, 9 months, and and now 19 days self will learn that while that cinnamon whiskey tastes great going down, it hurts like fucking hell coming backย up.

Don’t take those shots. In fact, don’t take any shots ever again, because you suck at shots–even jello shots, which you eat with a spoon. Stick with your mixed drinks. It’s fun and exciting to get out of the house without the kids and have some rare adult fun, but don’t overdo it. You’re too old for that. And especially stay away from anything you haven’t touched since college–there’s a good reason for that.

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40 thoughts on “I’m Smaug, Bitches!

  1. Haha! Right? I’m ten years-ish older than you, so I have had to give up QUITEAFREAKINLOT, and cinnamon fireball whiskey is not my friend. It is hot, it is spicy, it gives me rosacea flares and aggravates my joints, it gives me heartburn and it doesn’t come out gently, either!
    Bubba drank cinnamon fireball whiskey here last weekend. He asked me if I wanted some. “No, son, I do not,” came out much easier than it has in a long, long time. Apparently, I have reached a point where I’m not even tempted. Now, a candy cinnamon fireball, that sounds good! But just one ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Ugh… i feel your pain. Stayed up till 4 am having some adult beverages (canadaian club and coke). Except the kids were not having a sleepover. Getting up at 6:30 was brutal. You could have written this me a month ago!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Fireball claims another victim! That first shot always taste so good and for some reason makes you feel invisible then the next thing you know your five shots in and learning the next day you aren’t 18 anymore!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’ve been watching Inside Amy Schumer and she has a little stand up about passing out. How it makes you the fun party girl when you’re in your 20s. How it makes you uninvited in your 30s. ๐Ÿ™‚ Hell, though, I’m 57 and just found out that hard apple cider and whiskey just don’t work too well together. It’s a learning curve.

    Liked by 1 person

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