Soccer season is upon us! Little Man had his first practice tonight. It was…interesting. His two coaches have never coached soccer before or know anything about it, but none of the other parents stepped up to coach, so they did the best they could. Sam will likely pitch in since he knows slightly more, even though he was hoping to avoid coaching for one season and just be a spectator.
But the most interesting parts of practice weren’t when Little Man practiced kicking the soccer ball over the goal or when he pretended that his joints were made of metal and needed to be lubricated or even when he decided to be Spiderman and climb up the back of the net.
The really interesting parts occurred when the other parents decided to interact with me. Or talk at me.
I’m not the most social person in the world. That tends to be a byproduct of a) having social anxiety and b) generally loathing social situations. (Kind of a chicken-egg situation happening there.)
Unfortunately, the world hasn’t figured this out, as people are always coming up and talking to me. And I’m always getting super fucking uncomfortable and trying to get out of the conversation. You see, between walking to the other side of the field (where the other parents aren’t gathered) and what I assume to be closed off body language (arms crossed), people still get the impression that I want to socialize. Or that I want to listen, rather.
I’m not exaggerating. My husband has witnessed this many times and thinks it’s hilarious. “You’re not really a bitch, even though you project that, and it’s funny because no one gets it,” he says as lovingly as possible.
Tonight I got to listen to three different parents go on and on and on. Much like the way I’m going on and on and on in this post.
Parent #1. I kinda knew him in high school, as in I knew his name. And since I was Miss Overachiever who was president of all things, he knew mine. He spoke to me, I spoke back. Done, right? Noooo. Instead, he launches into a monologue on his personal woes. No joke, this dude I vaguely know comes up and tells me about the three years worth of trouble he’s had with his taxes.
I felt for him (and expressed my condolences for his situation), but that’s a weird fucking thing to be telling someone you barely know. Might as well tell me his favorite sex position while we’re at it.
Parent #2. She thinks I need to know all about her four kids. One of whom is on the soccer field. I don’t know the lady from Adam, but she’s making sure I know her kids from Adam. And don’t forget about Trixie, who isn’t on the team but is a free spirit and doesn’t like sports even though she made her play them anyway for five years, until she figured out Trixie didn’t like sports. And that pisses her off because all the other kids like sports, but not Trixie! Where did she go wrong?! And her husband. OMG. She let it slip that her husband is one of the coaches on the middle school football team five times. FIVE TIMES. “My husband, you know the one who is a coach on the middle school football team…” It’s like how Angela from The Office constantly referred to her husband as The Senator. Am I supposed to be impressed or do you have that much trouble keeping your husbands straight?
Parent #3. She thought it was necessary to discuss her child’s life history as well. At least there was only one kid to discuss. Well, for me to listen about. “We don’t know what we’re going to do with Riley. He only likes to play video games. And watch TV. You can get him outside and he doesn’t like to do anything. He doesn’t like soccer. I don’t know why he doesn’t like soccer. He probably won’t even try.” Okay, so maybe this is more run-of-the-mill parent chat stuff, but a) Three works better and b) This gif:
If you’re thinking “the bitch is strong with this one,” then you’re right, as long as bitch = person who just likes to mind her own business and watch her kid play. It won’t be often that I watch LM without Baby Girl along (and there likely will be no watching him when she’s with me), so have social hour elsewhere!
Here’s to two months of trying to duck parents! At least I think I can count on one of them to be the Team Mom. 😀