Meet The Parents

Soccer season is upon us! Little Man had his first practice tonight. It was…interesting. His two coaches have never coached soccer before or know anything about it, but none of the other parents stepped up to coach, so they did the best they could. Sam will likely pitch in since he knows slightly more, even though he was hoping to avoid coaching for one season and just be a spectator.

But the most interesting parts of practice weren’t when Little Man practiced kicking the soccer ball over the goal or when he pretended that his joints were made of metal and needed to be lubricated or even when he decided to be Spiderman and climb up the back of the net.

The really interesting parts occurred when the other parents decided to interact with me. Or talk at me.

I’m not the most social person in the world. That tends to be a byproduct of a) having social anxiety and b) generally loathing social situations. (Kind of a chicken-egg situation happening there.)

Unfortunately, the world hasn’t figured this out, as people are always coming up and talking to me. And I’m always getting super fucking uncomfortable and trying to get out of the conversation. You see, between walking to the other side of the field (where the other parents aren’t gathered) and what I assume to be closed off body language (arms crossed), people still get the impression that I want to socialize. Or that I want to listen, rather.

I’m not exaggerating. My husband has witnessed this many times and thinks it’s hilarious. “You’re not really a bitch, even though you project that, and it’s funny because no one gets it,” he says as lovingly as possible.

Tonight I got to listen to three different parents go on and on and on. Much like the way I’m going on and on and on in this post.

Parent #1. I kinda knew him in high school, as in I knew his name. And since I was Miss Overachiever who was president of all things, he knew mine. He spoke to me, I spoke back. Done, right? Noooo. Instead, he launches into a monologue on his personal woes. No joke, this dude I vaguely know comes up and tells me about the three years worth of trouble he’s had with his taxes.

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I felt for him (and expressed my condolences for his situation), but that’s a weird fucking thing to be telling someone you barely know. Might as well tell me his favorite sex position while we’re at it.

Parent #2. She thinks I need to know all about her four kids. One of whom is on the soccer field. I don’t know the lady from Adam, but she’s making sure I know her kids from Adam. And don’t forget about Trixie, who isn’t on the team but is a free spirit and doesn’t like sports even though she made her play them anyway for five years, until she figured out Trixie didn’t like sports. And that pisses her off because all the other kids like sports, but not Trixie! Where did she go wrong?! And her husband. OMG. She let it slip that her husband is one of the coaches on the middle school football team five times. FIVE TIMES. “My husband, you know the one who is a coach on the middle school football team…” It’s like how Angela from The Office constantly referred to her husband as The Senator. Am I supposed to be impressed or do you have that much trouble keeping your husbands straight? 53884420

Parent #3. She thought it was necessary to discuss her child’s life history as well. At least there was only one kid to discuss. Well, for me to listen about. “We don’t know what we’re going to do with Riley. He only likes to play video games. And watch TV. You can get him outside and he doesn’t like to do anything. He doesn’t like soccer. I don’t know why he doesn’t like soccer. He probably won’t even try.” Okay, so maybe this is more run-of-the-mill parent chat stuff, but a) Three works better and b) This gif:

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If you’re thinking “the bitch is strong with this one,” then you’re right, as long as bitch = person who just likes to mind her own business and watch her kid play. It won’t be often that I watch LM without Baby Girl along (and there likely will be no watching him when she’s with me), so have social hour elsewhere!

Here’s to two months of trying to duck parents! At least I think I can count on one of them to be the Team Mom. 😀

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33 thoughts on “Meet The Parents

  1. I usually get chatty with strangers when I’m uncomfortable so there’s no awkward silence lol- but damn these people sought you out despite your attempt to turn off your “hey I’m here for you to vent to!” Radar 😂 I wish LM a smooth soccer season and you a season minus obligatory chit chat 😄

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I hate it when your somewhere to support your kids and people think your there to hear their life story…I like talking to people but lets keep in on the topic…soccer not who you had sex with last night….Aghhhhh!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hahahaha. God damn this was funny. I wonder if some of these parents are just really bored and are desperate for some adult talk? But poor you. And that first guy was a little nuts. By the way, I like the reverse cowgirl, doggie style, and glory holes.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Maybe! But you’d think watching your kid play the sport you signed them up for for the first time in the season wouldn’t be too boring.

      That’s good to know. I imagine you did an excellent reverse cowgirl when Fester was around.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Mindy says:

    Hahaha all of these parents were great and socially competent. I feel as though I have a lot of strange encounters like this as well when I’m just trying to mind my own business. Maybe if we tried talking to other people they just wouldn’t respond and they’d ignore us?!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Just Plain Ol' Vic says:

    Kick the ball into the other goal…not that difficult to coach?! 😕. Lol just kidding! I am also being exposed to everyone else’s life story with my kids activities too…sigh…the sacrifices we make as parents!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Where’s your shirt that has Smeag with his ears covered and says “Not listening!”?!?! Or your “I don’t give a flying fuck about you and your kids” one. Some people…but I’m sure parent #1 would have told you his favorite sex position if you asked because he probably wouldn’t have caught that you really could give two shits-unless it’s tied up with a ball gag in his mouth. (I totally would have said that to him 😈)

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Honestly that sounds horrible. This happens to me all the fucking time – even when I am actively sending out “do not interact with me!” vibes. The other day I was running to an appointment, eyes down, noise-canceling headphones on. Someone grabbed my arm to ask me how to get to a train stop in Brooklyn. I told her, but I was stunned. We both obviously need to work on our resting bitch faces.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. AHAHA! You had me LMAO! From one bitch to another, I TOTALLY GET YOU.
    Gah!
    People will tell me anything. Just anything. They’re all so freakin scared of my husband, but despite what I’ve been told is resting bitch face, I am apparently a magnet for social interaction. This is the bane of my existence. I’m so tremendously jealous of The Mister. And he’s NICE. I am not nice.
    Gah! “Go away!”

    Liked by 1 person

  9. LOL you’re not the bitch at all, THEY need to get a life… somewhere far from you! Sooo well done on braving the soccer mum thing, hero! I secretely jump for joy every time the little one says “nah, don’t want to this sport/activity/group thing”. bad mamma! You a good mamma!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I am actually awesome at chatting up with other parents (parents of my friends) – I am the girl that every mommy will want their kid to be friends with. But I get how sometimes there is information overload which leads to a frantic search for appropriate responses 😀

    Liked by 1 person

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