Don’t Mind The Ingrown Toenail

My husband and I both have the habit of not wearing our wedding bands. It’s not that we don’t love each other or because we want to pick up other people, because we don’t (well, I don’t), but it’s a combination of being prone to losing shit and being lazy as hell. Mostly the latter.

Being lazy as hell means not taking the time to do little things in the morning or before leaving the house. Like putting on wedding bands and other jewelry (or putting them back). Or shaving. Or taking the time to put on clothing that makes us look less like hobos and more like, I dunno, non-hobos.

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Not wearing our rings regularly has led to some interesting situations.

Sometimes I’ll get the You’re living in sin look from The Judges. You know, those women who live to try to make people feel like shit in the name of the lord. This sometimes happens when Sam and I are both together, but mostly when I’m out with the kids by myself. And those same heffas also love to look over my shoulder to see how I’m paying for my groceries. Because Jesus said “Let the poor and their kids go hungry.”

The more interesting–and funnier–situation is interest from the opposite sex.

The very first time I witnessed this effect of not wearing wedding bands was at a doctor’s office. Sam had an awful infection from an in-grown toenail. It was nasty and quite painful for him. I drove him while Little Man stayed with my MIL. After giving it a look over, the young female doctor said that she had to remove part of the toenail and lance the wound.

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If the first time you met someone was under those circumstances, you’d probably be feeling like Clint Eastwood, even if you couldn’t let it show. This would probably kill any potential sexual attraction. Even if it were Charlie Hunnam or the female equivalent.

But not this doctor.  No, she was not to be deterred. Her stomach was made of cast iron, as she definitely found Sam attractive, which she made obvious while removing his toenail. While he was groaning in pain. And with his wife in the room.

There was a lot of flirty chit-chat, asking about a football team Sam liked, suggesting the two of them meet up at a tailgate during the upcoming weekend. There were also many caresses to his arm and shoulder. Not just “it’s okay, I’m sorry you’re in pain” pats, but “I wanna move this hand down below and I would if there wasn’t a person in the corner reading a magazine.”

Maybe she thought I was Sam’s sister. I was wearing jeans and an old t-shirt while Sam was wearing his Corporate America clothing he had on at work (back when he still drove in). Regardless of who she thought I was, it was still pretty damn inappropriate on many levels.

It took every bit of willpower I had not to laugh, as Sam looked absolutely horrified. He’s not the type to flirt and “doesn’t do well talking to girls” even now.

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After it was all done and Sam had gotten instructions on care plus a prescription, we got up to head out. On the way out, I looked the doctor in the eyes and said, “Thanks for fixing up my husband.” The look on her face was absolutely priceless.

Have you ever had any strange situations come up due to lack of a ring?

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35 thoughts on “Don’t Mind The Ingrown Toenail

  1. I am allergic to my rings lol. I have to put a clear coat of nail polish over it so I can wear it- and when that wears off the way I find out is I get this itchy rash all over my ring finger and it looks like a plague lol. So A is saving to put my alexandrite and diamonds in a platinum setting since I’m allergic to gold and white gold 🙈 I’m not top shelf high maintenance at all right?! 😂 so girl you rock that confidence and comfort in your marriage- you’re right- at the end of the day as long as you and Sam know yall are committed and going home to each other that’s all that matters ❤️❤️
    And f that doctor- I would have said “sure bitch you can come tailgate with US if you buy our season passes- you’re a doctor after all- it wouldn’t set back your budget too much- oh and find another patient to hit on other than my husband.” 😜😆
    Funny post love it! 😎

    Liked by 1 person

      • That would be so awkward for Sam- he couldn’t say anything because she probably had sharp objects in her hand lol- and on the other he’s probably like wtf this quack doc is hitting on me in front of my wife 😳😂 that would be funny- I can see why you took a back seat- yall definitely had something to talk about after the apt lol!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. My fingers are too fat to get the rings off, been on there 19 years. So I have never had this experience or anything like that. But that does seem rather unprofessional of the physician to flirt like that. She was making some HUGE assumptions, and you know what happens when one assumes!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve pretty much never worn a ring, even when I was married. It just never suited me. I don’t like rings with stones and I only want a really nice band. I’ve been hit on more times than I can count.

    At the same time, I’ve also worn a ring when I was single. It worked like a charm. Most of the people i met ignored me. It was amazing the difference.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. That’s funny 😀
    Unfortunately it reminds me of the time I was dating the most beautiful man in the world and women just flirted up to him as though I were a fly buzzing around. I had never known jealousy till that man. Such an obvious “he’s so out of your league you don’t even deserve our attention”. Bitches. No ring but it was clear we were together. Women!

    Liked by 3 people

  5. LMAO OMG E! This was so great. I don’t know how you held back. I’m the jealous type when my man is flirted with, but from now on I’ll hold back for an ending like this one. Not that I am married, but you know what I mean. HAHAHA. Howling over here!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I don’t get jealous much and I so love absurd situations like that for the entertainment value. Between the situation itself as well as how uncomfortable Sam was, I laughed a long time that night 😄

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  6. Somebody told me once that women get more attention when they are not wearing their rings, but men get more attention when they are wearing theirs. My husband actually tattooed my name on his ring finger. So he’s telling the world he’s really, really married, right? Well, that doesn’t stop women (his hairdresser, for starters) from flirting with him. “You look so young”, “this new haircut looks so sexy”, blah blah.

    Liked by 2 people

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