Steal My Identity, Please

Things get misplaced in our house a lot. Certain people never put things back in their proper places, and chaos ensues whenever the person in charge of handling things needs the misplaced item.

Usually my husband is at fault for losing things. Check books, bills, important documents. He’s lost his social security card and Little Man’s birth certificate before. He replaced the former and we found the latter.

As you can imagine, with my tendency to be a bit high strung (to put it lightly), I don’t tend to react well when items are misplaced. Well, now I’ve lost something. Somethings, actually. And it’s one of the biggest fuck-ups of my life thanks to the potential outcomes this loss could have.

We have four safes in our house. No, we don’t have that many valuable objects by a long shot. One has a few coins and stamps and other miscellaneous things I collected as a kid; one has random objects of sentimental value my husband has picked up along the way; another has letters; and the last has things that really belong in a safe–my guns, credit cards, bullets, and medications.

That’s what it has now. It used to also (occasionally) have our passports, birth certificates, Social Security cards, and marriage license.

Yes, “used.”

Prior to a month or so ago, when I finally got Baby Girl’s birth certificate, these personal items were scattered in various places throughout the house. If you wanted, say, my birth certificate and Little Man’s Social Security card, you’d have to go on a treasure hunt. You might find one item in the letters safe and the other item in my husband’s desk.

And when BG’s birth certificate came in, I had a great idea–“why don’t I collect these items, put them all in an envelope, and put them in the one important safe. That way they’ll be all together. And if we need one of the items, we’ll just take the envelope, keep everything together, and do whatever we need and put the envelope back when we’re done.”

I now see what an idiot I was. Keeping everything, all the items needed to prove our identities, get credit, etc., in one place? Sigh.

A couple weeks ago, Sam and I set out to the bank to open a savings account for BG. We’d been sticking all of her money in a fancy cup that’s on display in the kitchen (not in the safe, because what sense would that make?). Now that we had her birth certificate, it was time to give her the real thing.

I got the envelope full of important documents and off we went. I was so fucking nervous that something was going to happen to it. I realized then how stupid it was to carry everything at once–what if?! As it turned out, the bank was busy and we couldn’t get in to see anyone about opening the account, so we decided to try another day.

Yesterday I went to get something out of the important safe. And I realized the big envelope wasn’t in there.

Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit. 

We’ve searched everywhere. We’ve looked in the car, all over the house, and that fucking envelope is nowhere to be found. As you can imagine, I was freaking the hell out.

“Gah, I hate myself, I’ve pretty much told all the thieves in there world, ‘here, let me making it really fucking simple to steal our identities!'” I told Sam in tears. “I mean, I have possibly ruined our kids’ futures!”

Sam tried to console me. “Maybe I was the one who lost it,” he suggested.

“No, I didn’t trust you to hold the envelope,” I told him.

More freaking out ensued. Anxiety attack. We searched again. Nothing. More anxiety and tears. I have no idea how I could have lost it, considering how freaked out I was about carrying it to the bank. Even on the way home, I had it clutched in my hands, worrying over it. And I have absolutely no memory of doing anything with it afterwards. It’s so fucking weird.

“Look, you either left it in the car and it got stuck in some trash or you brought it inside and it got mistaken as trash and thrown away. I doubt any thief is going to go through our trash and find that envelope,” Sam said.

“Then why do you shred all of the bills with our names and account numbers?” I countered.

He was silent for a moment. “Well, I don’t want to make it easy for anyone to get, either.”

“Exactly. And I made it easy as hell. Someone’s gonna find it, get lines of credit in our names, the kids’ names, then everyone’s credit will be ruined, they won’t be able to get student loans, get a house…someone could see the kids’ ages and come kidnap them and sell them, since they have all the proper ID,” I continued ranting.

Sam disappeared for a little while and called me into our bedroom, where he was typing up something on the computer. “Look, here’s a list of all the documents missing and how we need to go about getting them. Doesn’t that help?” he asked.

“No. I knew within five minutes what we’d have to do to get them all replaced. Why would that help?” (Yes, you’re probably right to think “Poor Sam.”)

He sighed. “Think about what’s likely to happen. It’s not likely that someone’s gonna find that envelope and steal our identities or come kidnap our kids.”

“I don’t care about likely. I care about what’s possible.”

Sam continued to try to calm me down. “Look, we’ll get these things replaced. I’ll get the kids added to our credit tracker online, that way if anyone tries to open accounts in their names we can stop it automatically. It’ll be okay. Try not to worry.”

After that, Sam talked me into going out by myself for a while to calm down. I went out to grab a bite of dinner and drove around for an hour or so. It helped. Later last night, Sam and I talked again after the kids went to bed.

“Thanks for being so nice about it,” I said.

“Why would you thank me for being nice? It was a mistake. Mistakes happen.”

I don’t make those kind of mistakes. And if it had been you, you know I’d still be pissed at you. I got pissed when you couldn’t find Little Man’s birth certificate for an hour.” To state the painfully obvious, he is by far the better half in our relationship.

“Yeah, well, we’re different people. It was a mistake and everything’s probably going to be okay. We’ll just keep an eye on things and if something happens, we’ll handle it,” Sam said.

I was hoping that those damn papers would turn up somewhere today, since sometimes it’s easy to overlook things when upset, but no such luck. I know that everyone is prone to screwing up–lord knows I have more than my fair share of fuck ups–but I’m baffled by this one.


41 thoughts on “Steal My Identity, Please

    • No; I’ll get Sam to call tomorrow, but I could swear I brought them out (just because I remember one guy giving my thick envelope a look like he thought I had money on the way out). It’s worth trying, though.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I’ve done this MANY times with NSLM birth certificate, soc cards. I found it in his baby book when I KNOW I didn’t put it in there. I had my wallet stolen with all of our soc cards in it, immediately filed a police report and called all three credit bureaus. After the Anthem hack, we now have credit monitoring free for 2 years, but it still doesn’t make me feel better. I’m sure the envelope grew legs and walked away. Not really, the Borrowers needed your papers to make a paper boat to float in the bathtub at night. You’re a good mom and wife. You have wonderful kids and an amazing husband. It will turn up in the least likely of places ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s a big, brown envelope, right? Using my psychic abilities, I’ve determined that it’s in the garage.

    And if you don’t have a garage, then the envelope is in the freezer. If there’s no room in your freezer, then it’s in the mailbox. And if the envelope is too big to fit in your mailbox, then it’s somewhere in your laundry. Check the dryer, dirty clothes, and between folded towels. (You don’t have to waste time checking the washer — if the envelope ended up there, it’s history.)

    After you find the envelope, you’ll feel so grateful that you might think you need to pay me for this psychic service. But this one is free. From me to you. Enjoy. 🙂

    Important Notice: Psychic abilities don’t always produce clear results. Results can (and usually do) vary. Psychic therapy has not been approved by the FDA. Payments are always non-refundable. Have a nice day.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I would be a basket case. I’ve done a few, similar things over the years. If it makes you feel any better the stuff usually appears, in a really stupid place. When it hasn’t, it has been my debit card, which is small and easily misplaced. Sometimes you HAVE TO carry around the envelope with too much stuff in it. Been there, done that, and it scares the hell out of me. {{{hug}}}

    Liked by 1 person

    • Gah yes, the debit card. I’ve nearly given my hubby heart attacks when it turns up missing and I have no idea how long it has been lost (since I usually let him pay). I’m going to go on a cleaning spree this weekend and hopefully it’ll turn up then, since that’s usually when things reappear around here.


  4. I know this sounds silly, but it has worked in our house. Quietly ask the universe for it to be returned and don’t be surprised if it is in a place you already looked. Otherwise disregard me as a nut. I am used to it, but I also used to getting my things back when I ask for them. ❤ Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’ve been losing documents since starting on Lamictal. Lost all my prescriptions, misplaced payment copies, spaced out and put things away in the WRONG place. My mother found her wallet in the fridge, as an example.

    I’m hoping you can find it still. I would be feeling EXACTLY like you. I’m so sorry, E. It just sucks when things like this happen.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I feel your pain- Im still looking for that damn cash that went missing- it’s so frustrating 😓😢 I hope it turns up because the work you have to do to get those documents replaced is bogus and takes literally weeks to get done. I told my about my SS card and passport- I was pissed and still wonder who has that shit- but luckily it’s been 7 years since that happened- I guess if anyone was going to fuck me over that would have already happen (methinks) lol. Don’t beat yourself up you’re an awesome mom and you have a lot going on 😊❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I feel sorrow for you. it is never fun to loose something important.

    i know where my social security card is; in my wallet. i keep telling myself to get it out of there and put it some place maybe a liiiiiitle bit safer. still haven’t done it yet. maybe, i’ll make that happen this morning. thanks.


  8. Mindy says:

    Dang! I hate when I lose things. Usually I end up finding the thing I lost in the most obvious place too. I hope you are able to find the envelope with everything in it!


  9. Did you put it in the glove compartment in your car? Did it slide between the seats in the car? Diaper bag? This is awful. I am so nutty about those types of things. I always threaten my family’s life if they do not bring back whatever important document it is, so I can put it back in the filing cabinet. I lost my birth certificate ages ago – and it is an Australian Birth Certificate which is a nightmare to replace. I also lost a jewelry box of gold sovereigns which has completely disappeared – my Great Grandmother saved them for me, and I have looked everywhere. It is all so frustrating. I feel your pain. I hope they show up soon.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nope to all, I’ve even checked places like the bathroom drawers in case I randomly stuck it somewhere. Grr.

      Oh man, that had to be tough to lose 😞

      Me too, although I think the most likely thing is they’re at the landfill now. I’m driving my hubby crazy about it, keep bringing it up and talking through what i did that day.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. It is possible that it was your husband that took the envelope out of the safe and it was not you. I highly doubt you would take it out and then just toss it some random place and lose it.

    Have you noticed any other things missing in the house?

    Liked by 1 person

      • OK that’s good, It is so frustrating to lose these kinds of important documents. I hope you can begin getting them replaced. You still have your drivers license and health insurance card or some other ID I hope and proof of address like a phone bill…so you can use those for ID to get the others.
        I think that I ordered copies of my daughter’s birth certificate and all I had to do was enter information online like her SS number etc.
        Vital Statistics
        I think you search Vital Statistics and then type in the state the child was person was born in.
        For my daughter I typed in vital statistics Maryland. Be careful of sites that look suspicious and make sure your virus protection is on.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Thanks! The “funny” thing is I had just ordered baby girls birth certificate from vital certificates when I lost it. Those will be easy to replace, but I read that we’ll have to get doctor records to get the social security cards. Luckily the passports were about to expire anyway.

          Liked by 1 person

  11. I lost my son’s birth certificate and SSN card when he was applying for his first driving permit. We had to go down to the social security office so he could apply for a duplicate after we had obtain the copy of his birth certificate via mail. As soon as the new SSN card was in hand, I found the ones I had apparently just misplaced. Everything is in our one, single safe. I only use the safe because it’s fire-proof… not that I was offering yet another worry on the subject. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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