Slipping And A-Sliding

After about a solid month of being in either a fantastic mood or really good mood, things are finally feeling familiar again.

And by familiar, I mean shitty.

I’ve shied away from blogging as much as I usually do (which means maybe I’m posting a normal amount) because trying to force the happy face online and in person is a bit much, but fuck it.

I wonder how much the fear of one’s mood crashing in the back of one’s mind could contribute to a mood slippage. Or make it happen sooner, anyway. Hmm.

“Things haven’t been right with you all week,” Sam told me on Saturday night after I snapped at him over something trivial, as I had been doing the past couple of days.

Well, no, they haven’t, as my lovely mood chart confirmed. Over the past week things have been nosediving. I guess I should be happy that I had a nice little run–and I am–but it’s also frustrating to know how good I could feel versus how I actually feel.

I hate that, though–the snapping at people. It’s one thing to be in my own personal sorta hell because of my moods, but taking it out on others? Not good. And even when I do refrain from being snappy or grouchy, I wonder if they sense how much I’m seething underneath, how much darkness is there.

I know this will pass eventually and then I’ll be back at…something. I’m not quite sure what normal is for me yet. But for now I’m trying not to let those thoughts consume me again, push those feelings away as much as I can. According to the shrink, this shouldn’t be as rough as in the past or last as long, so here’s hoping she’s right.

On a somewhat related note, the new mood chart app I switched over to several weeks ago, called T2 Mood Tracker, has yielded interesting info. You can track several moods or even input your own stuff. I did this to track hypomania (along with depression and anxiety), since the mood tracker I was using only let you say things were good or bad. Not enough information.

Anyway, this tracker shows that my anxiety and depression symptoms are almost always inline with each other. When the anxiety is low, the depression symptoms are low. When the anxiety is high, the depression symptoms are also high. What does this mean to me? I dunno just yet, but thought it was interesting.


35 thoughts on “Slipping And A-Sliding

  1. Hey hun, hope this is just a small slip for you. I’m in the same process right now. By the way, I love that app. Mine shows how random my moods are, how I have suicidal thoughts mainly in the morning, and how I can go from one extreme to another with the tiniest triggers.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. during this last cycle, I remember hoping against hope that the “high”, meaning out of despair would hold. I would continue to claw a grasp onto the hope after I had slipped back into despair.

    fighting a losing battle is never fun. i wait for a miraculous turn of the tide and it never seen so to come. that on and to itself is depressing.

    i wish you a short journey through depressive stage, free of stamp filled days.

    btw, thank for the app reference. it looks good.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Just Plain Ol' Vic says:

    You rolled through the “highs” but you will make it through the “lows” too! Hopefully your cycling will level out a bit and not be so extreme.

    I will have to give that app a look-see. My be something interesting for my wife.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You said something that I am wondering about right now and just posted my own post similar to this ——I wonder how much the fear of one’s mood crashing in the back of one’s mind could contribute to a mood slippage. Or make it happen sooner, anyway. Hmm.—– I am wondering the same thing.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. the-reluctant-parent says:

    I know that for myself, blogging is a place where I feel that it’s okay to not have a happy face all the time and I haven’t read the comments on this post yet but I’d bet that some people would probably say that it’s probably better for you to post more when things are “going shitty” so you don’t keep things bottled up as they say. I’ve been a bit behind on my blog reading as you can probably imagine.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Girl you let it out and don’t feel you have to pretend to be happy in person or on here- it sucks society makes us feel like we have to always be happy or if we aren’t at least don’t bother others with our frustrations…geez people are so arrogant it’s annoying. 😏
    I didn’t tell you but reason I was going on hiatus is an attack by someone on a blog comment and his response to me was basically because I believed in a deity I probably believed in unicorns, mermaids, big foot etc- and I was an “angry Christian” (though I specifically told him I was not religious he still attacked me lol) and he told me that I needed to take a bottle of aspirin (or at least several and dump the rest down the toilet) and breathe and take anger management classes because I obviously had anger issues with the reality that there is no god. You know my existential crisis lately has led me to these negative blogs and people so I had to just take a back seat and let go and realize at the end of the day we all die whether we believe in a god or not and arguing over our theories on existence is futile and a complete waste of time.
    So there is something in air with the negative energy- I’ve seen a lot of unhappy people (including myself) lately 😔

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I have the same correlation (anxiety and depression). So far, I use that correlation to help ID when I am heading towards the danger depressive zone/episode. I don’t usually notice my depressive symptoms bc they are so meshed with my actual personality. But I can always ID the anxiety, which I take seriously and try address, to avoid further degeneration in my depressive symptoms.

    Let me know how you sort through your app’s info.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s strange how the anxiety and depression go together like that because I usually experience anxiety to a degree daily but didn’t realize how close those were. The app tracks more than just saying “I feel anxious today” and uses ten different symptoms to rate your anxiety level, so one bad social anxiety moment doesn’t necessarily make it high for the whole day.


  8. I find I get bummed when I am anxious – because it wears me down. I feel like the whole world is conspiring to piss me off and push me over the precipice. And it always happens at the same time. I get micromanaged at work, I have difficult parents I have to deal with, I come home, no one has done anything, and they are all looking to me to figure out what to eat for dinner. I hate that so much. I don’t want to blog, I don’t want to talk to anyone but the dogs. I go to my room and stare at the ceiling fan, go round and round and round. And I just get pissier and pissier.

    Liked by 1 person

    • That shit makes me want to Hulk out on somebody. A couple weeks ago, after not lifting a finger all week (which is unusual) my hubby had ONE thing to do and that was cut the grass. I come home from shopping and he’s playing video games while paying someone to do it. Da hell?!

      Liked by 1 person

      • You gotta wonder what goes on in their heads? How is that okay? At least he had the drive and motivation to get someone else to do it. Mine would have just blown it off completely. One could lose small animals in our backyard lawn.
        One day I just decided to do it all, I was so pissed, I went into martyr mode – to hell with everyone, if they want to be lazy buttholes-I don’t care- I am going to kill myself getting everything done, and I will guilt them into wanting to help. It was most EPIC FAIL, they didn’t give a crap that I almost melted in a puddle of sweat in 105 degree weather, or I could barely lift a glass of water to my mouth because I was so weak from all the strenuous activity. No one cared. I was a cleaning/chore martyr and nobody gave a crap.

        Liked by 1 person

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