If you don’t have kids yet and think you might want to, don’t let this list of things sway you. Or maybe don’t read it at all. (Yeah, I’m kidding, of course…this is the shit that keeps parenting fun!)
You’ve had 64 pretend conversations on the phone. Today. Baby Girl has three toy phones. And she expects me to talk on all of them frequently throughout the day. She’ll thrust one of the phones behind her shoulder (instead of next to her ear), say a few words of gibberish, then thrust the phone at me in a demanding way only a one-year-old could have mastered.
“Hi! How are you! Nice to hear from you! Bye bye!” I’ll say and hand it back. Unsatisfied, she thrusts it back in my direction. “I thought I was on the Do Not Call list! How’d you get this number? Bye bye!” Sometimes I’m expected to talk on two of the three phones at once.
You whistle, suck your teeth, stick out your tongue, and blow raspberries on demand. This all started when BG was a few months old. She’d suck her teeth, we’d suck ours, she’d do it again, and so on, and she loved it. Then she started expecting us to mimic other things. She started forming a tiny O with her mouth and going “whoooo!” and then would wait. We tried mimicking that, but that wasn’t good enough, so we tried whistling. She smiled and went “whoooo!” again. You can hear us randomly whistling at the grocery store. Sticking out the tongue, arguably the easiest one, started maybe three days ago.
You’ve listened to certain songs at least 500 times. Baby Girl has a few certain songs she likes to hear when she’s going to sleep. The two that have gotten the most air time are Me, Myself, and I by Hanson and No Surprises by Radiohead. These are the ones that get played over and over when we rock her for naps and bedtime. They’re slow, catchy, and great at making those heavy eyes droop.
Baby Girl’s non-sleepy time current favorite is Let It Go. Yep, my kid, too. This is the one she wants to hear when she wakes up, in the car, after lunch, whenever. She now says “Go go go!” in a sort of singy voice to let us know what she wants. Sam and Little Man no longer like Let It Go. They make up crude songs to sing along, like “Let her poop, let her poop, ain’t holding it back anymore!”
You hide when you eat. It took my little one longer than most to get started on table foods. She was 10 months old, after all, when she finally ate a meal of baby food. She’s been on table foods for maybe three weeks now and she wants everything. That’s great and all, but it gets old when you try to take a bite of your sandwich and you hear a little tyrant going “Bah! Bah bah bah bah, Mama!” while angrily gesturing towards the food you just gave her a bite of. Little Man has taken to building a fortress out of the many containers of Lysol wipes I have in my house around his plate so he can eat in peace.
You’ve recently been smacked in the face with a toy. This happens almost every day. And it’s usually an accident–a result of Baby Girl getting excited while we’re playing and slinging something while waving her arms. Sometimes it isn’t an accident, though. Like when her brother sat in my lap in the floor and jokingly said “My mommy,” and BG threw her phone (the one I’d had my 35th conversation on) at him and then pulled his hair. Or when Sam said “No baby girl,” when she tried to take his drink and she hurled the little block she’d been holding at him.
You’ve told your little one not to punch her vag. Yeah, that one was today also. I’ve got one kid infatuated with his penis while the other likes to punch her vag. It’s kinda funny, especially when she is standing in only her diaper, until she starts punching at it while you’re changing the shit explosion that worked its way up to a couple inches below her belly button all the way to above her butt crack.
What are some of the strange, cute, funny, or interesting things you can add to the list of how to know you’re the parent (or caregiver) of a one-year old?