Signs You Might Be The Parent Of A One-Year-Old

If you don’t have kids yet and think you might want to, don’t let this list of things sway you. Or maybe don’t read it at all. (Yeah, I’m kidding, of course…this is the shit that keeps parenting fun!)

You’ve had 64 pretend conversations on the phone. Today. Baby Girl has three toy phones. And she expects me to talk on all of them frequently throughout the day. She’ll thrust one of the phones behind her shoulder (instead of next to her ear), say a few words of gibberish, then thrust the phone at me in a demanding way only a one-year-old could haveΒ mastered.

“Hi! How are you! Nice to hear from you! Bye bye!” I’ll say and hand it back. Unsatisfied, she thrusts it back in my direction. “I thought I was on the Do Not Call list! How’d you get this number? Bye bye!” Sometimes I’m expected to talk on two of the three phones at once.

You whistle, suck your teeth, stick out your tongue, and blow raspberries on demand. This all started when BG was a few months old. She’d suck her teeth, we’d suck ours, she’d do it again, and so on, and she loved it. Then she started expecting us to mimic other things. She started forming a tiny O with her mouth and going “whoooo!” and then would wait. We tried mimicking that, but that wasn’t good enough, so we tried whistling. She smiled and went “whoooo!” again. You can hear us randomly whistling at the grocery store. Sticking out the tongue, arguably the easiest one, started maybe three days ago.

You’ve listened to certain songs at least 500 times. Baby Girl has a few certain songs she likes to hear when she’s going to sleep. The two that have gotten the most air time are Me, Myself, and I by Hanson and No Surprises by Radiohead. These are the ones that get played over and over when we rock her for naps and bedtime. They’re slow, catchy, and great at making those heavy eyes droop.

Baby Girl’s non-sleepy time current favorite is Let It Go. Yep, my kid, too. This is the one she wants to hear when she wakes up, in the car, after lunch, whenever. She now says “Go go go!” in a sort of singy voice to let us know what she wants. Sam and Little Man no longer like Let It Go. They make up crude songs to sing along, like “Let her poop, let her poop, ain’t holding it back anymore!”

You hide when you eat. It took my little one longer than most to get started on table foods. She was 10 months old, after all, when she finally ate a meal of baby food. She’s been on table foods for maybe three weeks now and she wants everything. That’s great and all, but it gets old when you try to take a bite of your sandwich and you hear a little tyrant going “Bah! Bah bah bah bah, Mama!” while angrily gesturing towards the food you just gave her a bite of. Little Man has taken to building a fortress out of the many containers of Lysol wipes I have in my house around his plate so he can eat in peace.

You’ve recently been smacked in the face with a toy. This happens almost every day. And it’s usually an accident–a result of Baby Girl getting excited while we’re playing and slinging something while waving her arms. Sometimes it isn’t an accident, though. Like when her brother sat in my lap in the floor and jokingly said “My mommy,” and BG threw her phone (the one I’d had my 35th conversation on) at him and then pulled his hair. Or when Sam said “No baby girl,” when she tried to take his drink and she hurled the little block she’d been holding at him.

You’ve told your little one not to punch her vag. Yeah, that one was today also. I’ve got one kid infatuated with his penis while the other likes to punchΒ her vag. It’s kinda funny, especially when she is standing in only her diaper, until she starts punching at it while you’re changing the shit explosion that worked its way up to a couple inches below her belly button all the way to above her butt crack.

What are some of the strange, cute, funny, or interesting things you can add to the list of how to know you’re the parent (or caregiver) of a one-year old?


37 thoughts on “Signs You Might Be The Parent Of A One-Year-Old

  1. Thanks for posting! Yep, sounds about right. It will get even more fun, especially if you have more than one child.

    When my daughter was about 2 years old she was swinging her arms while bored in a rather long grocery store line. Her brother, 17 mos older, kept telling her to stop, which of course made her swing with more gusto. Finally, he yelled, “Stop touching my penis!” Apparently, she had been hitting or nearly hitting him every time she came around… but the people in the store didn’t know that and looked accusingly at the adult standing next to him. Good times.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I can’t help myself lol- i logged in- imagine if I had FB or Twitter we would be I trouble πŸ˜‚
    Love this! And so bad ass you play cool ass music like radiohead 😎❀️
    BG is growing up so much!! Geez next time we see yall she will be having full blown convos and running up to everyone instead of crawling!
    PS W is begging for LM to come to her house or to go to his house lol!! ❀️
    Hope yall had a good day! We are all lobsters from the beach even SPF 50 lol

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Well. I had one of those portable toilets when I was 1 and sometimes I would pull out the little bowl and splash pee everywhere as I tried to make it to my mom. She wants to think it was because I was proud of my accomplishment. I have no idea what I was trying to do. Memory doesn’t go that far back. XD Kids are a mystery box. BG is too cute. She ate the cupcake how I eat cupcakes, lol.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. notapunkrocker says:

    M used to do what we called “baby bird” when he started table food. If we were eating something outside of dinner time, he would just come up to us and open his mouth. No noise, no other thing. Just open his mouth. If we pretended not to see, he would close it and open it wider. My brother took advantage of this once to get his started on an addiction to Queso Cheese Dip at 14 months old.

    It was annoying, but so cute πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I remember having a whole cleaning kit for eating out. Me and my husband would be down on hands and knees cleaning noodles and rice and whatever else the sweetums in the highchair decided to fling about when we went out to restaurants to eat. One time the oldest was eating noodles or something stringy and decided to have a spasm of some kind and his noodle laden hands flung back into the air, and one errant noodle flew across the restaurant and landed in this well-coifed lady’s hair and just hung there. She never figured out that it was there. Whoops! – Didn’t clean that one up.

    Liked by 1 person

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