You’re Killing Me, Smalls

[If you are sensitive to four-letter words or generally don’t have a sense of humor, scroll on past.]

Are you the parent of a child who is likely to copy everything you say? Especially the bad things? Because we all know that you really only have to say “shit” once, and they pick up on that right away. But “please”? Gotta do that one at least a hundred times before it sorta sticks.

Are you also the parent of a child who isn’t perfect and constantly finds ways to drive you batshit insane get in trouble?

If you’re the parent of a little bad word repeater who often drives you to saying bad words and you prefer that your kid doesn’t have the mouth of a sailor like you do, I have a great substitute for you. (You know substitutes…like saying “motherlover” for “motherfucker.”)

You’re killing me, Smalls! 

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That’s our go-to bad word phrase substitute around the Anxious household. Yep, a line from my and Sam’s favorite movie as kids is what we use when we need to say phrases like “Are you fucking kidding me?!” and “For fuck’s sake!”

Sam uses You’re killing me, Smalls! more frequently than I do (sometimes he shortens it to Smalls!), but that’s because he’s better at filtering his language. I’m a work in progress.

Some scenarios, in case you’re not sure how this works:

Your kid is kicking his damn soccer ball around the house again, even though you’ve told him to take the ball and his butt outside. You know this because you hear it bounce off the wall while you’re feeding the baby. Instead of saying “Is this fucking real life right now?!?!” you can say:


You’re folding clothes while your kid is taking a bath in the bathroom adjacent to the bedroom. While folding that towel in half, you catch the kid perched on the side of the tub preparing to leapfrog in, from the corner of your eye. Instead of saying “Are you out of your g*ddamn mind?! You’ll kill yourself!” you can say:


You see your son, who is about to go into the second grade, snatching a shape that goes into the shape sorter toy from his one-year-old sister. Again. Instead of saying “I’m gonna beat you in the head with that fucking triangle!” you say:


It’s almost bedtime. You’ve told the kid to brush his teeth and get dressed for bed while you wrap up shit. You look at the clock and about ten minutes has passed. You go check on him and instead of being in the bathroom or bedroom, he’s hiding underneath the sofa table with the candy jar. A shit ton of wrappers are beside of him. What do you say then?

Fuck You’re killing me, Smalls! The only one that works here is You’re going to grandma’s!

So, what’s your bad word phrase substitute? I know we can’t be the only parents with potty mouths who want our kids to be out of elementary school before dropping f-bombs. Share away.


56 thoughts on “You’re Killing Me, Smalls

  1. hahahahaha I am soooo glad my kids are grown….how quick you forget all that stuff….I used the word bummer all the time when my kids were small….I was called into the principals office and told that “bummer” as my son like to use constantly was not an accepted word for the school….all I was saying in my mind was …Are you fucking kidding me….but I tried to explain my reason for using it and it didn’t fly…so I still had to talk to my son about the bad word bummer…I am pretty sure it made him loose faith in all grown ups at that point..he already thought all grown ups were stupid…LOL
    …love you stories…..

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Ours dropped the f bombs and so did their kids. We weren’t too kid with filtering. Now I have 2 daughters and 1 son with sailors mouths and they didn’t learn it from me! So there daddy, one more thing you effed up.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. NotAPunkRocker says:

    I do believe you mean that the kid is kicking the DARN soccer ball in the house.

    Yeah, my kid picked up on my language pretty quickly. I was lucky he didn’t repeat such language in front of grandparents or teachers; apparently he stored it all up for xbox live and PS Plus interactions.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Very funny post. I actually don’t remember that far back…:) but I have grandchildren now and find I need something to get me through those earth shattering times…:) thanks for the suggestion. I’m sure it will be used quite a bit.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m a total potty mouth. I curse all the time. Owen is older now so he knows he can’t repeat but a few years ago I snapped and said “you’re driving me freaking crazy.” At least I said freaking, right? The little shit got right in my face, imitating my posture and hand motions and said “well you’re driving ME freaking crazy.” We fell into a fit of giggles and couldn’t help ourselves!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Marielli_ says:

    Omg this is so me I love this post the other day my daughter said oh shit with the face expression and everything she heard me and my husband say it accidental because we forgot to do something and she heard us then when she was playing with her dolls she tells me ohhhh shittt mommy I’m like what’d u say she’s like oh nothing sorry. She’s like bad word oops. She’s so smart she always said crap once too ugh I have to wash my mouth with soap now

    Liked by 2 people

  7. No kiddos yet but around my nieces and nephew I talk like an old lady. I kind of over exaggerate the dork talk. So instead of “What the fuck?!”, I might say, “Oh for Land Sakes of Life?” (What does that even mean?! I don’t know but it’s not profane) 😜

    Liked by 2 people

  8. lolabipola says:

    LOL! Classic! I have a filthy mouth – my 14 year old son refuses to swear – his friends think its hilarious that I swear, and one day he had a bunch of mates around… One of them (a sweet, geeky one) walks up the stairs and says ” ‘Sup motherfucker” – I nearly pee’d myself!

    My daughters, on the other hand, will probably swear like troopers, just like their mama! The other day my 2 year old dropped something on the floor, and in her two year old language said, “Aagggg, fucking hell.” – I know I shouldn’t, but I laughed so much! My son says, “MUM!!! Stop it! Don’t laugh at her!” – and then he laughs!!!!! We’re stuffed really.

    Swearing is fun! Such fun! Hahahaha!

    BTW, the girls don’t use bad language around other people (to my knowledge anyway!)

    Liked by 1 person

  9. lolabipola says:

    One of my favourite exclamations of frustration is “Oh my hairy bollox” – its funnier because I (clearly) am not in possession of bollox, hairy or otherwise 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  10. My cousin told me if you yell “peanut butter!!” or something equally goofy after slipping up and saying a swear word that it will distract your child from learning and repeating the swear word. Funny thing…the other day, Kat told her ABA therapist “you are a fucking peanut butter asshole peanut butter!” Guess that trick didn’t work on my kid. 😜

    Liked by 1 person

  11. We used to use Chandelier or Mantelpiece as replacement words – of course my husband has never filtered his language at all. I do hear my teenagers swear but can’t really say anything, or else I would have to scold the entire household. Funny post!!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Hahaha my child out-cussed me when he was little, which is difficult to do…Then we moved to a community where cussing was NOT OK and we both had to unlearn it. Thus, Jeekers Crow, Jiminy Christmas, oh heck, rats….booooorrrriiiinnnggggg….gosh, golly, darn…goddammit, what fucking fun is that? Sonofabitch, I’m glad that’s over! Kid is now 30 and can make his own damn language decisions, I’m alone and can frickin’ cuss like a motherfucker if I want to! Like just now when I dropped a heavy object on my fucking foot, the air turned blue and the dog headed for the hills!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Hilarious! For many years I was a devout born again maniac so never let fly the foulness in my head. One day, when middle child was 13 I let fly”dammit!”. I thought her jaw drop was going to create a portal to China. Later, when baby boy was about middle school age, I wised up, left prudishness behind, and let fly lots more filth. He used to send me to the corner… Regularly. Now I’m on my own, so no holds barred. But whenever I talk about Comcast, I tell people that is my favorite curse word. Truly. 😂


    Liked by 1 person

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