Putting The Baby Days Behind Us

I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry.

That has become my mantra for when I go through the various baby items Baby Girl no longer uses.

There’s the tummy time mat, the play mat, the bouncer seat, the swing, the bumbo seat. Admittedly, she probably didn’t use any of these items more than a handful of times because unlike Little Man, she preferred to be held constantly (and we were happy to oblige), but still.

Getting rid of these items is another sign–like BG moving in 12M size clothes a few weeks ago–that the baby days are numbered.


I have a hard time dealing with watching the kids grow up. I’m know I’m not the only parent who struggles with this, of course, but it hits awfully hard at times. When Baby Girl cut her first tooth, my husband was thrilled, but all I could think was “I may never have another toothless baby again.” It’s almost like a part of me is grieving for the baby, the toddler, the kindergartner, etc. that will never be again.

And now it looks as though the likelihood that I’ll never have another toothless baby is about to move to 100 percent (well, 99.999 percent), as my husband visited a urologist to discuss getting a vasectomy last week.

I knew this was coming. My husband wasn’t convinced that he wanted a second child until after he saw a positive pregnancy test. And he was so sure that he didn’t want a third kid that he volunteered me to have a tubal during the c-section.

“Why push our luck?” my husband asked when discussing a third kid before his visit to the urologist. “We’ve lost two already and you had two very stressful pregnancies, especially the last one. Do you really want to go through that again?”

I’m pretty sure that I’m happy with the current size of our little family. I was even more sure of that during the pregnancy scare we had last month when I screwed up my birth control pills, the incident that prompted my husband to schedule an appointment with a urologist. How in the hell will I handle three kids when I feel like I suck at handling two?! I thought during the scare.

There’s also the issue of the meds I currently take–one is category C and one is category D for pregnancy. I’m not willing to put a baby at risk, so obviously I wouldn’t take the meds if I were to become pregnant (and quitting the meds is not something I want to do either). My husband says that even thinking about going off the meds when things are improving isn’t an option, so the matter is settled in his mind.

Despite all that, I’m not 100 percent sure like my husband is. I don’t feel like my body is done. I’m not sure that I’m ready to say at 31 that I will never carry another child. Never feel the little flutters from the baby’s first movements again, never feel those jabs to my rib cage, never feel those somersaults. Maybe a woman, a mom never feels like she is done in that regard.

I’m pretty sure that even if I had five more babies, I’d still feel the same, though. So even though emotionally I may not be ready to say “we’re done,” I know it’s the most logical thing. I told my husband to go ahead and schedule the appointment.

Trying to accept that we’re done building our family hurts. A lot. But falling into that trap of longing for being pregnant, newborn days, the baby days, etc. and ultimately getting depressed by it all (as I have before and will again if I’m not careful) just cheats me out of enjoying my kids in the present, so I have to try to force myself not to get lost in that type of thinking. Easier said that done, but try I will.


25 thoughts on “Putting The Baby Days Behind Us

  1. One and done for me… I tried to get the doctor to do a tubal after my first (and only) but he wouldn’t. I tried to schedule my husband for a vasectomy after but he wouldn’t…(he now has two little girls with his second wife.) Pregnancy was awful, I’ve never been more miserable in all of my life. I love my son to pieces, I got so lucky with him once the horror of pregnancy was over. At this point I am just not willing to start over. He’s 8.5… I do not want a baby and a jr high kid or older. That said, my friends who have lots of kids feel like you do.. That they aren’t sure they will ever be ready to say no more. I’m getting sterilized just as soon as this IUD has to come out (hurt like a motherfucker going in so I’m keeping it the full 5 years!). While i don’t share your sadness at no more babies, I can sympathize with your pain. I’d be willing to bet BG and LM get even more hugs and snuggles this week!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Bless your heart–that’s a big part of my husband’s deal, not wanting to go through the scary shit again. Also in part because of his age (he’s 37 and doesn’t want to be 40+ having another kid). We really thought LM would be it for a while, but if I could go back and have BG a couple years sooner, I would, since there’s such an age gap between them.

      Not to scare you, but as bad as that IUD hurt going in, it was 10 times worse coming out, for me anyway. Dude was up in my junk for 20 minutes trying to get the thing. At one point I made the very awkward joke of “so this is what being fisted feels like.” So did not help matters. 😀

      Liked by 4 people

  2. Babies are the most fun, but good kids can still be fun at any age. Everyone loves the baby cute stuff, but to keep needing it is as much of an addiction as anything else, Sometimes it is just good to stop an otherwise good thing.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I can feel you! I just can’t seem to giveaway my daughter’s stuff, still. For my new baby, I used hand downs or not many cutesy stuff, and while wrapping his 3mo stuff I didn’t try to look twice, coz I would have kept it and it would just get the dust..
    One trick I use. I tell myself that i’ll save the best of 3-5 dresses. Then I sort. This way my mind is picking the dress I want to keep not thinking what I am giving up. It’s a mind game you play to your heart. Does it make sense? Sigh who am I kidding! I still have a big box of stuff from my first born and still saving stuff from new baby,Why is it so hard? Does it make is materialistic?? I am like you, sorry couldn’t be of much help😱

    Liked by 2 people

    • That’s what I did with LM-kept a few cute outfits from each age. Now I haven’t gotten rid of any of BGs clothes and have four totes full 😞 Nah not materialistic, just not ready to part with the baby I think.

      Liked by 2 people

        • No, I think it is a great thing doing that. My mom kept 1-2 of HER outfits and MY outfits from every age category (every few years she’d purge a bit more) so that she had 1 trunk filled with her favorite memories.

          When she died and we went through her stuff, we found the trunk and it was the best. To see how carefully and pristinely each item was folded. I got to see how she felt about moments, and it triggered many memories for me.

          So there you go. Now you both HAVE to keep some of the baby clothes. You’re welcome.


  4. Sending lots of hugs and support. Even though, because of diffuculty getting pregant, and the high needs of our daughter, we decided we were done after one, I still sometimes dream of being pregnant again, having a second child. I know its not something i really want, but as my daughter gets older, it is all bittersweet, you know? I think its a normal reaction. Xx

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Would considering adoption be a possibility if the wish to grow a family doesn’t go away?

    I’m almost 31, single, and apparently don’t have a biological clock at all. So I have trouble understanding some of these (apparently common) struggles…

    Liked by 1 person

  6. the-reluctant-parent says:

    the wife didn’t enjoy a single minute of being pregnant with any of the three children and I know that there are people who love being pregnant and people who hate it and somewhere, there’s a group of people in the middle.

    She had preeclampsia with the last one and her first who was also a boy but no complications that I remember with the little girl. The two boys were around 5 weeks early and the little girl was a few weeks late, though she was the easiest of the deliveries.

    She went into labor at 6 PM at the birth center and by 7:20, lg was born and by 10 or 10:30 that night we were home.

    with the little boy, it was the exact opposite. 30 hours in labor, an emergency C-section, out of the hospital a few days later and then back in after a couple more because of an allergic reaction to one of the medications. Almost 4 years later and she still feels twinges from the incision.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yikes I doubt I’d want to go through it again with those health scares! With baby girl–which I’ll write more on at her birthday–it was constant “you could miscarry or she could be born very early” yeesh.


  7. I have tears because I so relate to what you are going through- and feel the emotion from knowing its done…Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for grieving this process- I was a mess being awake during the surgery knowing they were cutting off my baby factory right after M was born- they had to give me some serious anti-anxiety mess in my IV- I think I’m still grieving the end of my baby making days…it’s a real emotion and experience- and know you are not alone 😍😊 I hope as each day goes by as our little girls grow- we learn to accept and embrace the change- because it is hard for sensitive and caring people like you and me!

    Liked by 2 people

    • That would have been too much for me, having that done at the same time as the c-section! We will get there 🙂

      Btw did your c-section incision start acting up when M turned one? Mine has been on fire the last few days lol

      Liked by 2 people

      • Mine itches on and off and worse this second c section because I can even feel my tubes when I ovulate no joke- it hurts like a mother f*cker even during ovulation- so basically I hurt all the time LOL- so I’m glad Sam is getting vasectomy and at least sparing you- and my periods are horrible- so bad that I don’t leave the house when I have them for fear of hemorrahging in public 😱😢😂 I am on track to be period free when yall visit so I won’t be hiding out LOL
        But yes- scar does seem worse lately- might be because you and I are paying mind to it all the emotions behind it and all 😔😉


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