Heads up–I curse a lot here.
Hello, anxiety attack (or maybe panic attack?) at the Great Wolf Lodge.
The culprit? A damn water slide. An evil water slide.
To start our trip, I forgot the bottom part of my swimsuit. I realized this while unpacking.
“I’ll get you another. I have to go to Target anyway,” hubby told me, since it isn’t proper to go to the kiddie water park with one’s Petunia Blossom showing.
“No, don’t worry about it. I’ll just watch.” No biggie since I don’t exactly want to parade around half naked anyway. Thanks, god!
“No, I’m getting one.” So he does.
After he gets back, I put it on. All is well. I play in the various pools with the kiddos, then Little Man asks me to ride a water slide. Ugh. Somehow I don’t think someone my size getting on a slide is a good idea, but I’ve seen others my size and larger get off, so I go for it. I even ask the attendant if I should be fine, just in case. She gives me a crazy look and says yes.
Uh, no. Hell, fucking, no.
I’m on one of those mats you lay down on to travel down the slide head first. Halfway down, I get off balance, flip, bang my head super hard on the tube, and finish the rest on my back. My head is still throbbing as I write this.
That’s not the good part. The good part is when my damn swimsuit bottoms, which I told hubby to get a size larger than I normally wear just in case, start making their way down my rear end. And the water starts causing my top to slip up.
Shit, shit, shit.
So as I shoot out the tunnel into the part where you get out, I lay there trying to catch my breath, since in the midst of all the excitement I forgot to breathe, and fix things. My head is hurting, I’m shaking, and I’m trying to pull my shorts up and adjust my top.
I hear my son’s voice next to me.
“Hey, that’s my mom!” No, buddy, this is not a time you want to claim me.
“Hahaha, look, she came down wrong. Mom, don’t you know you’re supposed to be on your stomach?!” Leave me alone and let me get decent.
And if that isn’t bad enough, I get up on my jelly legs and take the walk of shame. I avoid eye contact with the lifeguards.
Shaking, I make it over to our chairs and try to control my breathing.
Little Man hovers over me. “You ready for the next one?!”
I grab his shoulders and pull him close. “Little Man, that damn water slide almost killed me.” Maybe I’m being dramatic, but that was a hell of a crack to my noggin and it scared the mess out of me. (Bright side–I didn’t shit myself!)
He leaned in, serious. “Well, if you thought that was bad, you’re gonna hate The Tornado!”
The fun doesn’t stop there!
On the way out, I was drying LM off and he announces, “Mom, you didn’t dry my PENIS” quite loudly. More avoiding eye contact.
Bonus: when I got back to the room, my girls were crooked as hell thanks to my top getting jerked around.
Double bonus: Sam almost died when I told him what happened. Laughing, of course.
Triple bonus: After the incident, I sat down and watched LM play while I calmed down. After five minutes of watching my kid to make sure he doesn’t drown or get kidnapped, LM walks up for a drink. The kid I was watching was not my child.
The others are napping now and hopefully we go out for dinner soon. And buy me all the alcohol.