Let’s Talk About S-E-X. Or Not.

This discusses womanly matters. So you may not want to stick around. Or you may want to and not learn something. And, after reading Fannie Frankfurter’s post titled Period., I decided to write my own post (clearly) and expand on my comment a bit. 

Like many young girls who were largely raised by their grandmothers, my grandmother did not have The Talk with my sister and me and explain things.

We had names for our lady parts, but nothing that made sense like vajayjay or hoo-hah. Petunia Blossom was my grandma’s name of choice. She also referred to us, her granddaughters, as her Petunia Blossoms at times, so it was all very confusing.

This conversation between Monica and Rachel on Friends that I saw years later resonated with me for obvious reasons.

Monica: What?! I mean, I didn’t work this hard and-and-and lose all this weight so that I can give my flower to someone like him!

Rachel: Okay, first of all, if you keep calling it that, no one’s gonna ever take it. Then, second of all you’re not actually gonna have sex with him! You’re just gonna make him think that you are.

Back to the story. One day, I somewhat left the world of Petunia Blossoms and Daffodils and became a woman (okay, so I still didn’t know the proper words for quite some time, but it sounds better that way). Here’s what happened:

One day when I was 10 or 11, I was visited by Aunt Flo for the first time. Fortunately, this was shortly after I got home from school. Unfortunately, I was pretty darn clueless and as such, didn’t have a clue what was happening and thought I was dying.

“Grandma! Help!” I yelled while sitting on the toilet.

Grandma came in, gave me one look, and walked out, leaving me to die. Or so I thought. She came back in a couple minutes and was obviously prepared for this, as she handed me a pad. She told me how to put it on and that I’d be that way for about a week, so no swimming lessons.

She also told me this:

You can get pregnant at any time now.

Considering that I had a brother who was one or two, I knew what pregnant meant and was quite terrified. I would stay that way for about two years, until I took a sex ed course in middle school. (Is it any wonder I have anxiety problems?!)

The day I found out that I couldn’t get pregnant by simply breathing, I confronted my Grandma.

“Why didn’t you tell me that? I’ve been scared this whole time that I was going to get pregnant!”

She laughed. She had clearly overestimated my sex knowledge. Why, I don’t know, since she made us turn our heads when anyone kissed on TV. “No, you have to do it first. So don’t do that until you’re married. Or you’ll go to hell.”

Okay, then. To hell I will go.

And just because I typed vajayjay, I must include this:

tumblr_m61yfilKH11rwnprno1_500

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47 thoughts on “Let’s Talk About S-E-X. Or Not.

  1. All I can do is shake my head. You poor thing! Well, the important part is that you finally learned the truth about these matters. I myself am a little too forward when it comes to talking about this stuff with my girls. They always give me the eye roll and say, “yeah we know, we know…”

    Liked by 2 people

  2. My mother was pretty open about me with everything as soon as I started getting “boob aches.” She explained what was happening, what would happen, and that at some point soon enough I would have an “awakening” where I would see boys differently. Considering my first French Kiss was at age 9 I think I saw boys well enough. When I got my period the first time I was in school and it hurt like hell. It has never stopped being hell. I get cramps, leg aches, numb legs, stiff back, nausea, and the list goes on forever. It’s the only part of being a woman I don’t like. Awful week.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Anxious Mom says:

      I’m still half asleep and read that as “tooth aches” and was all “wtf?” Haha.

      Oh god, your periods sound like the hells of pregnancy thrown together in one week.

      Like

  3. My mother’s side of the family is quite matriarchal. I had great education in all those areas, and I feel dreadful for girls who don’t.
    I have one friend, who like you, thought she was dying, and her mother came upon her and her sister, holding one another in the bathroom, crying in front of the toilet, K with her pants still down. That’s a funny story, but also, sad.
    Now, my father’s mother, she had rules about living with your period like it was 1850 or some crap. I had to wrap the pads in tissue and then put them into brown luncheon bags and then throw them away in the kitchen, but down inside the trash where my grandfather would never see them. Tampons were forbidden, because tampons would ruin my petunia blossom and no man would ever want me after that.
    I love my mother. I think I’ll call her right now and tell her I love her. lol

    Liked by 2 people

    • Anxious Mom says:

      Omg. Esp about the tampons. We were forbidden those forever but because my dad thought they’d automatically fuck up the septic tank. My grandma was also of the mind that it would be the same as having sex. The first time I used one…holy shit I got it wrong and it’s a horrible (but hilarious) story. Let’s just say the applicator stayed on my person for an entire day of school.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Petunia Blossom!!! 😂that is hilarious!! oh my- and not even knowing what was going on that sucks!!
    My mom was the opposite and scared the shit out of me by telling me everything and I mean literally everything about sex- she showed me all the info on STD’s as well and gave me pictures from her deviant behavior book from college!! 😳 I can’t fault her because it actually worked- and I always told my friends I didnt want to have sex because I didn’t want a “boo boo on my hoo hoo” 😄😄 they would laugh but it worked- and when I first started dating my husband I made him get tested before we had sex!!! Lol- he was like- seriously? Ok…whatever- never been asked that 😜 but he thought it was awesome I just said it- and I told him I scared off bad boyfriends this way as well!! 😜

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I lucked out, because Grandma thought she was dying the first time she had hers, so she was very open about the period thing and the sex thing, although for the sex thing it was “Sex is awesome and fun, but wait til you’re married.” :/

    But my great-grandma (Grandma’s mom) was so uptight, rumor has it great-grandpa never, ever actually saw her naked (despite having seven kids) and when she would talk about periods she would make this weird “whooshwhoosh”sound and move her hand up and down in her stomach area. So weird.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Anxious Mom says:

      Wow! Things were different back in the day I suppose. After I was an adult, my grandma told me how she laughed at her older sister who happened to check her husband out in the middle of the night and was shocked to find that it had shrunk. 😳

      Liked by 2 people

  6. My mom was pretty straight forward and I knew what was happening when it happened. I was young. My ex-husband took it to extremes with out girls. He asked the oldest if she was having sex. Shocked all of us looked at him. He was serious. She said yes and I was despatched to get her on birth control. The other one wasn’t so we didn’t do anything. AND she got pregnant at 17. We didn’t get her to the dr on time.

    Like

  7. NotAPunkRocker says:

    Petunia Blossom? Was that one of the friends on Rose Petal Place?

    (Yes, I know, I’m older and you probably didn’t have those dolls…tough)

    I almost made my post today “S is for Sexting (during online games)” but I didnt register for A to Z with “adult content” and didn’t want to offend any gentle flowers 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    • Anxious Mom says:

      I googled; no it wasn’t hehe. Want me to grab your walker? 😛

      Haha you should do that post anyway after it’s over. I’ll do C for Cybersex since that’s what was up back in the day.

      Like

  8. I fucking love this post! I laughed out loud, literally.

    Petunia flower sounds so much nicer than some of the words I’ve heard for our lady parts. But I feel your confusion around your grandmother using the same pet name for you and your petals.

    And I can relate to your fear around getting pregnant spontaneously. My head was filled with so much religious nonsense that at 15, I feared I was going to conceive the anti-Christ by immaculate conception.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Compwhiz 3001 says:

    Here is yet another post that makes me ask, “If I push the Like button, am I testifying that I relish the author’s childhood trauma?”

    As this topic is about as familiar to me as a baseball bat is to an American League pitcher, I’ll just say…nice prose.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. The story my Mum tells is that I quite calmly walked up to her one day and asked her politely whether she might get me some pads, and that I refused to discuss it thereafter. My sister, on the other hand, behaved as though she’d been stabbed. So, given the fact that I have anxiety issues and she doesn’t, we really should just talk about stuff!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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