One of my negative qualities: I’m too damn indecisive. The exception to this rule: making potentially bad decisions.
Something I’ve been back and forth over the past few months is my medication. When my Wellbutrin-Zoloft combo wasn’t working out, I wondered whether I should just stop them both to see what would happen. Sure, it was possible that they had merely stopped working, but then again, it was also possible that I didn’t need them anymore and that taking them was making things worse.
I didn’t quit them, though, and waited until I saw my doctor before making any decisions.
As anyone who has been reading this blog for at least a month knows, I then switched over to Effexor. This one had a few perks, but ultimately didn’t work out, and seemed to make certain problems even worse.
Again, the thought of just quitting the meds was in the back of my mind. But I waited, since I wasn’t sure how long it would take for any negative side effects to go away.
After the doctor told me that being on the medicine for a month shouldn’t leave me feeling more depressed and having suicidal thoughts and whatnot, I then decided to get a referral to the psychiatrist (which I’m waiting to hear from) and to play it by ear with my meds for the time being.
My options: take a whole 100 mg tablet of non-extended release Effexor once per day, twice per day, or split the tablet and take one once per day or twice per day. Plus Klonopin twice per day, to decrease my anxiety and perhaps help the Ambien regain its effectiveness. And if that doesn’t work, switch back to Wellbutrin and Zoloft while I wait.
That’s rather tricky territory, honestly. I’ve tried a few different combinations over the past week, such as [An Effexor in the AM, a Klonopin around 12AM, and the Ambien at 2AM…trying to make sure I’m good for Baby Girl’s nightly feeding]; [a half tablet of Effexor in the AM, a half tablet in the PM, then the same deal with Klonopin and Ambien]; [nothing in the morning, Effexor tablet in the evening along with a Klonopin, and then another Klonopin at midnight and the Ambien at 2AM]; and finally, [Effexor in the morning, and then another Effexor, Klonopin, and Ambien all at the same time at 2AM].
None of those combos seems to be effective, and quite frankly, I’m pretty fucking tired of playing whatever-the-hell game this would be compared to with the pills. Can you tell that I’m slightly regretting the decision to turn down the psych referral a month ago?
With that said, this week wasn’t so great as far as my mood went at times (surprise, surprise), which is really just downplaying things a bit, since I intentionally burned my arm on the oven rack yesterday, finally giving in to that particular impulsion, to see if it would make me feel better. Well, how about that, a bit of honesty and putting things bluntly.
I could just make the switch back over the Wellbutrin and Zoloft for the time being, but seeing how that lost its effectiveness, it seems to be a bit of a waste.
So, in true Anxious Mom decision-making fashion, I’ve decided not to take any medications today. I’m going cold turkey on all of it over the weekend, which is good timing since my husband will be available to watch after the kids and I can just hole myself up in my room if needed, suck it up, and see what’s what on Monday and go from there.
If I can stick it out, then when I do see the psychiatrist, he’ll be able to start with a blank slate, medication wise. And while I wait on that, I can also get an idea of whether or not the meds were making things worse, if I don’t wimp out.
Yeah, I know it’s not the best thing, but what the hell else should I do when nothing else seems to be working?
My husband knows what’s up, BTW. I tried to convince him to take the kids to the beach for the weekend, that way if I go in Hulk mode, they don’t have to be around it, but he didn’t think that was a good idea. I’ll give that one another go in the morning.