The Birds and the Bees – It’s Way Too Early for This

Wanna know the best time to have The Talk with your kid, who happens to be in the first grade?

Not before 7:00 in the freaking morning.

Little Man’s doc is getting fixed today. My husband is going to take LM to school and then drop Bilbo off at the vet to have his jewels removed.

Sam mentioned the dog tagging along and when he was asked “why,” he told LM that he was having a surgery to have his privates removed.

“Come on LM, get your shoes on,” I prodded him. He just sat there staring.

“What’s wrong?”

“Daddy said that Bilbo is getting his privates cut off!” He seemed very concerned.

“Oh.” I thought for a moment. “Well, you know he’s keeping the part he potties from and is just having the part that contains the baby making goods removed.”


Shit. Why had I never gotten around to using the proper names for everything?

My husband tapped in.

“You know…the round things down there? That’s what he’s having removed.”

“Oh!” Little Man exclaimed. “You mean the thing with those two little balls.”


“Yes; those are your testicles and the other part is your penis,” I told him. “Bilbo is having his testicles removed so he can’t contribute to making babies, which was part of our adoption agreement.”

“Wait. I thought only women made babies?” Little Man inquired.

“They do, but not on their own,” I said.

“They’re like chickens; men have to fertilize their eggs,” Sam offered.

LM gave me a look. “Cool! You have eggs in there?” I can only imagine he thought this was the reason for Mommy’s lumpy tummy. Or maybe he was thinking about me being like a piñata and being full of Cadbury eggs. I’m locking the bedroom door tonight.

“Yeah, remember the video I showed you last year about pregnancy? How it started with an egg?”

“Well how many eggs do you have?”

I should know the rough answer to that, but brain fail. “I dunno, like a million.”

“And they can all be babies if they’re fertilized?” LM pressed.

“Well, yes, but that isn’t happening.”

And then the Big Question came.

“How does the daddy actually fertilize the egg?”



“He just does,” I said. “Now eat your toast.”

Yep, I’m pretty sure I’ll be getting a message from his teacher today.


10 thoughts on “The Birds and the Bees – It’s Way Too Early for This

  1. I’m dreading the talk. We call everything at our house “girl bits” and “boy bits.” The only talk I may be dreading more is the death talk. I can only hope that someone discovers some kind of vampire gene soon, rendering that talk moot.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Yeah, you can’t avoid the death talk if you watch Disney movies… As a result, my little one plays barbies… and literally every minute I hear “then she died…”. I love my kid, but man she can be creepy sometimes!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Just Plain Ol' Vic says:

    On my son’s 14th birthday, we went on a trip to get a private tour of a railyard (he is a big train fan). The trip home was about 3 hours, while “trapped” in the car with me I had “the talk” with him.

    Did you know that it is possible to blush for about 2 hours straight?!


    Liked by 1 person

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