The Not So Walking Dead

Today was an off day.

Some good came of it, but at the end of the day I still felt shitty as hell.

My husband and I discussed my upcoming doctor’s appointment. He won’t be able to go with me, but we did have a long discussion about how things are going.

He told me some changes that he’s noticed in the past month. “You seem more like your old self, before you started taking any meds a couple years ago. You seem down more, but you don’t seem like a zombie, either.”

Less like a zombie–must be the new moisturizer.

S told me that I seemed very indifferent up until the past few weeks, but that he’s noticed more emotion (even if it’s not positive emotion), more laughter, more emotional involvement with the kid(s), that my sense of humor is back (back? we’ll agree to disagree on that one), that he noticed me picking up on some old hobbies I used to enjoy.

He suggested I make a pros and cons list for myself to get a better idea of how Effexor is working.

I made one. The cons really seem to outweigh the pros (short of “shitting gold,” it’s pretty tough to find something to tilt the scale after putting down “suicidal thoughts” and “desire to hurt self”), but being more myself is still pretty fucking huge.

I also showed him the list, which we discussed, so he basically knows everything now, not just the abridged version of the abridged version.

He noticed immediately this afternoon when that familiar cloud appeared and asked me if everything was okay.  I told him it was, but he pressed me, and I told him I was feeling like shit. He gave me a hug and we went home.

Little Man got upset with his dad this afternoon and had to go to his room for a timeout (he did actually go when he was told, for a change). I could hear him in there stomping around and huffing, so went in and handed him a notebook and told him to write down what he was feeling, that it might make him feel better. He did, plus drew a picture, and then we talked about it a little while later. The knack that kid has for writing, I don’t know why I haven’t suggested that before, since he has a tough time with his emotions, too.

But, back to other things, I wonder if I was wrong to want to get rid of anxiety and depression in the first place. Both have been there a long time. Maybe they’re just too much a part of me to give the boot. It can be hell at times, but maybe if I’m a better person to be around with than without, that’s something to think about. Would you rather?

I just don’t know.

My head feels like such a mess more often than not lately. There is so much suffering all over, and here I am, some fool stuck inside her head while her American dream life (or as close as you can get in 2015) happens around her.


14 thoughts on “The Not So Walking Dead

  1. cardamone5 says:

    First of all, applause for giving Little Man paper to write/draw his feelings. What a wonderful and loving idea. And he gets his writing ability from you.

    Secondly, everything you wrote I have felt, recently. Those thoughts about not numbing my illnesses with medicine went through my mind yesterday. Your choices have to be a mix of professional advice and your own gut, with the caveat that your perceptions may be veiled by illness.

    Your husband sounds wonderfully supportive and tuned in. Keep him (as if you needed me to tell you that.)

    Finally, that thought about not really having problems compared to the rest of the world, let it go. I have them too, again on a daily basis, but your thoughts and feelings are real. Just because others suffer more does not diminish your own reality. Honor those thoughts and feelings, and take good care of yourself.


    Liked by 2 people

    • Anxious Mom says:

      Thanks for your response ❤

      Are you thinking about the possibility of cutting out meds? It sucks that certain other aspects of the personality have to get numbed out to calm down the bad stuff somewhat.


  2. Since I’ve been anxious all my life, I feel normal and good and focused with a bit of anxiety. People call it vivacity or my edge or say I’m sharp, but it’s really anxiety. Just a bit. Not anywhere near unwell or panic.
    When I tried daily anti-anxiety meds, I lost myself. Can’t do it. Got depressed, completely.
    I think the thing is we’re all looking for the “just right” balance, and it’s different for everyone.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. VERY cool thing you did with your kid, there. He’s quite lucky to have you. I think this “devil you know” feeling is fairly common in treatment. We get so used to the way we feel, that even if it’s shitty – it’s still comfortable because it’s what we’re used to. But tbh, you deserve better. I think you should keep fighting for it ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Anxious Mom says:

      Aw thank you 🙂

      That’s a good point. I guess it’s better to stick with it (or test something else out) now than still fit crappy in 10 years and wonder. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Feeling the walking dead kind of day- 😣- and brilliant idea on getting Little Man to write his feelings- 😎this idea couldn’t have came at a better time. And I’m going to have to try this. My oldest had me in tears yesterday because her will was so strong and mine- well- just wasn’t. I don’t know if I was emotional because I had just got done with that God awful stomach bug going around- or PMS 😱😂
    And you are not weak for trying meds though I will ask you- please try no meds because the numbness and depression does subside. It is a process and I had some crazy days when I was going off meds for my social anxiety disorder and OCD. Everyone says they have OCD but mine was so bad I wouldn’t wear a pair of underwear if I had a bad day in them and sometimes I wouldn’t leave the house for an entire weekend if I had one single zit! 🙈🙉 I’m better now- but I still am quirky- but finally realized- dude this is me- no holds barred- and after my recent surgery- I’m almost to the I don’t give a fu** what people think of my quirks 😝😄I hope and pray that you embrace your originality and unique personality. I enjoy your blog and it looks like a lot of others are too!! 😃 just imagine how free you will feel when you let go of that inhibition (medication). 😉 maybe that novel will be completed in no time!! 😎

    Liked by 1 person

    • Anxious Mom says:

      I hope tomorrow is better for you! How old is your eldest? LM is 7–totally know what you mean about their will being so strong!

      I would definitely prefer not to use them, but then again thinking about going back to the pre-med days of the very severe anxiety and depression (both of which were worse then, have been around since I was a teen) is also scary.

      At the risk of sounding hypocritical or whatever, accepting my own quirks (not so much anxiety/depression as the other stuff that has always made me stick out/be labeled weird as hell) has been helpful. Too bad that didn’t happen about a decade ago in school 😛


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