The Talk Part 2

Remember how I had The Talk with the boy back in May? Well, he had another question. As luck would have it, he approached me instead of his dad.

“So, Mommy…remember when we talked about sex? Well, does the man get the woman pregnant by peeing in her?”

Why me?

I guess when I gave him the talk before, I was still a little vague on the whole “fertilizer” bit. (That or his memory is short.) I told him that no peeing was involved and explained about sperm and stuff. Told him how he’d learn more about that when he gets older and goes through puberty. He seemed to understand.

“So basically the man fills the woman with manure?” he asked.

Y’all, I laughed so hard I cried. He was baffled at my reaction.

“Why is that funny? From what you said, that is exactly what sperm is — manure. You know, fertilizer.”

I knew, of course, but I have never, ever heard someone referring to filling a woman with manure, and I hope I never will again. At least he didn’t talk about his testicles being manure shooting cannons, though.


The One Where I Write Words

Dear readers, it’s been almost two weeks since my last post.

Eh, that’s nothing considering the several months long break I took last year.

So, what’s new my way? For starters, we got the pool open. And when I say “we,” I mean my husband. He had to replace the liner, which was a time consuming job, but now it’s open and it has been swam in by at least one of us almost every day. The only way hanging onto a pool noodle could be better is if I added rum to the equation, but between not wanting to drink while I’m supervising children in a pool and not wanting to aggravate my stomach, I’ve passed on that so far.

We’ve also gone to Carowinds (an amusement park with lots of roller coasters) a couple of times. We bought season passes, so we can go as often as we want on the days we’re willing to make the hour long drive. I didn’t ride much with Little Man when we went this past Sunday, as my week+ long migraine had just finally ended the day before, but I did get on one called Ricochet, and I regretted that immediately.

Riding this was accidental. That sounds weird, because how do you accidentally ride a roller coaster, but it was. I waited in line with the boy and had planned the cross the seats and wait at the exit when one of the attendants took my drink out of my hand (he assumed I was coming out to put it to the side), so I was left with two choices: take it back and feel awkward (because I’m me) or ride the ride. I rode. That thing was so freaking jerky, as you can probably tell from the picture. I was very concerned about us tipping over the side. Every curve was met with an “Oh Jesus!” much to the amusement of LM and the two kids in front of us.

Shortly thereafter, LM wanted to ride another roller coaster, so I planned to wait in line with him, but fell and busted my knee on the edge of the cement steps, so we left. Yay, me, always hurting myself. The way this summer is going, I’ll be in a cast before it’s over.

So, Little Man’s ADHD medicine still seems to be working. It’s probably hard to tell just how well it’s working since he isn’t in school, but I can tell a huge difference at home. It’s like he’s hyper focused on everything. He had the tendency to get hyper focused on things in the past, but only things he was super into. Now he’s hyper focused on any task I throw his way, including reading a 50-page play in one sitting yesterday in preparation for practice later this week. His appetite was down at first, but he seems to be eating normally now. He also acted rather irritable and snappy for a few days, too, but that’s over.

Baby Girl is…Baby Girl. She’ll get a post all of her own, where I’ll talk about her non-cutesy stuff and rehash things. Spoiler alert: pretty sure we’re going to ask for a referral to a pediatric behavioralist at her well child visit. As far as cutesy stuff goes, she has changed her name again. She changed it to Miguel from Coco a couple months ago (and that got some weird looks when she told people her name), but then it became Violet from The Incredibles last week and now it’s Dash. It’s mostly cute, until she has a total shit fit over calling her by her given name. (By the way, I’m Elastigirl and her dad is Mr. Incredible. I guess that works since I have hypermobile joints and my husband is pretty awesome.)

By the way — I learned something new about migraines. I had a follow-up appointment about something non-migraine related with my PCP this week, and I mentioned the lengthy migraine, which I was concerned wasn’t normal. She said it was and advised me to stop taking migraine medications with Tylenol in them. She said with some people it can cause rebound migraines, so that makes sense. Sharing the newfound knowledge for those who get them.

What’s new in y’all’s world?

SoCS: Cheers

Cheers! I automatically thought of having adult beverages when I saw the prompt. I’m hoping my husband gets our pool ready this weekend, because I’d love to have a drink while floating around in the water.

That pool has been the bane of my husband’s existence. Every single year, something goes wrong, and that something always costs at least $300. This year it was a hose. And then another hose. And then the liner. (Someone wanted $800 to replace the damn liner, so my husband is handling it.) He’s installing it now, so it’ll be at least tomorrow — July 1 — before we get to enjoy it. We got an above ground pool the spring before we had Baby Girl. We weren’t going to be able to do a vacation that summer, since we’d have a newborn, and I wanted LM to have some fun, so we bought a really nice above ground pool and built a deck around it. The whole thing set us back $7000, and it so has not been worth it. My dad told us not to get one, because it’d be a pain in the ass, but he likes telling everyone what to do in general, so we didn’t listen to him. For once I regret that. Should’ve bought one of the cheap ones for $300 and even if it lasted only one summer, that’d only be what we spend on stuff that breaks every year.

Cheers. Now I really want a drink after getting annoyed thinking about that.

Sadly, I do not enjoy adult beverages as often as I used to anymore. My stomach can’t take it. It all started when I was about 30 or 31. After having a drink or two, I’d start hurting really bad in my stomach, break out into a sweat, and feel nauseous. Now, I knew it wasn’t from having too many, so it wasn’t that type of sick. After a while, it would subside and I’d be good to go. This only happened once in a while.

Fast forward to the past year. I’ve only been able to enjoy drinks a couple of times without that happening. That should probably deter me from having any, but dammit, I like some fruity rum drinks! (I usually only attempt to have them once in a while, on special occasions now, like vacation or get-togethers with friends or something. The pool would definitely be a special occasion, considering how long it has taken to open it.) The sickies don’t subside quickly like they used, too, either. Full on throwing up and having to take my ass home and go to bed.

That’s one way being over 30 sucks. All of my friends complain about ferocious heartburn and stuff after having drinks, too, and that stuff never happened in our 20s. Pretty soon our get-togethers will be just playing board games and chatting. That’s mostly what we do now, though, just with drinks. Aren’t y’all just dying to hang out with us exciting folks?

How I miss my 20s. None of the yuckies from drinking (unless it was too much), my joints didn’t bother me so much, and I didn’t have this stupid sun spot under my eye. Sigh. The good ol’ days.

(When I’m in my 40s, I wonder what I’ll be looking back fondly at my 30s over? “How I miss my 30s. No gray hairs, no…hmm, I can’t think of anything else that would be annoying in my 40s. Aside from having teenagers, maybe.)


Stream of Consciousness Saturday is hosted by Linda G. Hill.

Lost Boy

A few weeks ago, my husband and I took the kids on a cruise. We’ve been on a few before, but it was Baby Girl’s first time. And man, were we nervous. Y’all know how the girl is — temper, temper, perfect angel, then more temper. It’s all hot and cold with her. It’s something that makes me kinda afraid, but I admire at the same time, the purity of her emotions. The anger is scary, but the pure love and adoration she shows when she’s not mad is enough to make my eyes mist up. Her random “I love you’s” and swooping by to kiss my knee or arm or wrap her little arms around me…

(I totally did not intend to start this off as a sappy post.)

So, cruise. We were worried she’d get lost or fall over or be overwhelmed and miserable or starve or not sleep or rage so much that our neighbors would hate us. Lots and lots of worries. (We did bring a bag of Goldfish crackers, a loaf of bread, and some peanut butter and jelly with us to be safe, so she wouldn’t really starve.)

Well, obviously she didn’t fall over. Being a little shorty has its advantages, even if the anxious mama doesn’t consider that.

And she didn’t starve. She existed on a diet of PB&J, grilled cheese, fruit, cereal, hash brown cakes, and yogurt for five days, which isn’t entirely unlike what she exists on at home.

She had a couple of bad outbursts the first couple of days, but it all subsided. Her sleep schedule was way off and she definitely did get overwhelmed at first, but once she adjusted, it was smooth sailing. She really loved the trip, which made us ecstatic, as cruising is absolutely our favorite way to go on vacation.

And, oh yeah, she didn’t get lost. But Little Man did, and holy fuck, that was the most scared I’ve been in my whole life.

The second day of the trip, I had a major wipe out. I hurt my leg/ankle pretty bad on the water slide deck, and after resting a bit, we went downstairs to the pool. LM knew this because he was the reason we were going down, since he asked to go to the pool a hundred times. My husband had to help me walk and try to hold on to Baby Girl at the same time, which wasn’t easy. Little Man walked ahead of us, and as my husband helped me down the spiraling staircase, we lost sight of him.

At first we didn’t freak out. We figured he just got in the pool, since that’s where we were headed, but he wasn’t in the pool. And then we figured he must’ve gotten a table and chairs and waited for us, so my husband walked around the deck looking for him. And he wasn’t at any of the tables, either. That’s when the panic set in. It hit me that my husband might’ve just looked for his head/neon green shirt when he checked the pool, and that there was a possibility he could have drowned and be floating at the bottom. (I recently read how often kids drown in busy pools.) My blood ran cold and I told my husband to run back and check, and obviously he wasn’t there.  So we walked around looking, with me eventually yelling like a crazy person. (Adrenaline had fully kicked in, so the pain from the hurt foot/leg which ultimately left me wearing a walking boot after a visit to the doctor when we got back, had disappeared.)

After taking some more laps around the deck, I talked to one of the security people, who directed me to go to guest services. He was concerned at first until I told him his age (10) and then it was like whatever. I went inside, and then my husband appeared with the boy. Apparently he had forgotten we were going to the pool (thanks, ADHD) and gotten freaked out, so he talked to one of the staff who took him to the kids camp and had him wait there.

I about squeezed the life out of him when I saw him. There were a lot of tears. And then there were a couple of very strong drinks. Little Man thought he should get a strong drink to calm his nerves, too, but no.

That is really the worst feeling ever. We’ve had a couple of very minor scares before — like when I lost sight of Baby Girl for 30 seconds at Chuck E. Cheese because she ran off and someone got between us, but nothing that bad. There was once a tornado scare with LM, but I didn’t find out about that until after it was over, which was rough, but it was already over at least. (A very weak tornado came through by my MIL’s mobile home, where she was with all of the grandkids. No damage there, but they were horrified and it knocked another mobile home off its blocks.)

On a lighter note, BG’s birthday is this weekend. She will be 4. She was just 3 or 4 months old when I started this blog, y’all, and know she’s four and just a year from kindergarten. I’ll be cliche for a moment, but I do wish time would slow down. The older I get, the more quickly time passes by.

We have a bounce house party planned for BG. Justice League theme. She went back and forth on several different themes, but Justice League it is. Last year was the Joker, the year before that was Batman, and the year she didn’t have the ability to pick, it was Mickey Mouse. Transformers, Avengers, and straight up Wonder Woman were among her top choices. I so love my nerdy little girl. We bought her a doll house off of Craigslist (it was like new and a fraction of what it cost new, plus someone else had gone to the trouble of assembling it) and some toys from the movie Coco. I can’t wait to kick off the festivities!

Little Man is also going to audition for a play this weekend. He has had parts in plays at school before, but this will be the first time with the community playhouse. He fucking nailed Cassius in Julius Caesar in third grade, so I’m hoping his nerves will go away and he’ll be able to get at least a small part in this one. He’s worried he’s going to embarrass himself, but we talked about how important it is to take chances so he isn’t left with regrets over not trying later (a lesson I learned the hard way). Fingers crossed!!

SoCS: Reservation

The last time we had dinner reservations was when we went to the Brazilian steakhouse, Chima’s, for our wedding anniversary. That is my favorite place to eat, ever.

If you’ve never been to a Brazilian steakhouse — or rodizio — before, it’s one of those all-you-can-eat places that brings grilled meat directly to your table. They bring around a dozen different cuts of meat, including ribeye, filet, flank steak, and picanha. Picanha is more tender and flavorful than even the best filet, so it is by far my favorite cut. I originally thought the wagyu beef we had a couple years ago was the best steak ever, but the picanha blows it out of the water. The cajun ribeye at the steakhouse was my second favorite.

That’s the picanha. I’m salivating right now.

They also bring around grilled pineapple that has been coated in cinnamon. The first couple of times I went there, I wouldn’t try it, as I like my pineapple unheated, plus I wanted to save room for meat, but the third time, it smelled too damn good to pass up. Y’all, that stuff was heavenly. I probably won’t be able to make it as good as they do, but I’m definitely going to try to grill some pineapple this summer. I could’ve eaten a plateful of that, and that’s saying something, as I’m the weirdo who sits there and doesn’t eat anything other than meat at this place. (Yep, they have a huge buffet full of stuff, but I’m like, “This place is expensive, no point in filling up on salad when I can fill up on steak.”)

Knowing how good grilled pineapple is, it almost makes me wonder if those people who like pineapple on their pizza are on the something. Heated pineapple is one thing, but could I do heated pineapple plus cheese, sauce, and bread? Hmm.

All this talk of food is making me hungry. My husband is going to grill out tonight — chicken and shrimp. I offered to take him out for Father’s Day (we always do the day before the avoid the crowd), but he said he’d rather cook himself. I told him I’d cook something tomorrow, then, but he won’t tell me what he wants. “I don’t want anything. No gifts. No cake. No meal.” Gah. I bought him a bottle of Glen Livet whiskey, which he developed a taste for when we went on our cruise in December, and he didn’t say “no” to that.

Happy weekend, everyone.

Stream of Consciousness Saturday is hosted by Linda G. Hill. Check out the details here